Longing For You

as dawn breaks i lay

awake... cold and shivering

my soul yearns for you

searing pain grips my

heart... how much longer before

i see you again

 love rush back to me

lest this forlorn existence
shall forever stay 

© Bing (PinkLady) 2011

Posted for !The Haiku Challenge!- Day 10- image 5 

Calm Waters

calm waves cover me

lull before another storm?

i am slowly sinking

i can choose to float

and go with life's ebb and flow

why am i sinking?

a moon child with a
water sign... melancholic...
challenging hurdle

© Bing (PinkLady) 2010

Image courtesy: Trine Meyer Vogsland
Posted for Sensational Haiku Wednesday (Next week’s theme: Shoes)

and Poetry  Potluck (Next week’s theme: Beaches and Mountains)

When It Rains...

you are special to me

a friend more than a daughter

the best one could ever hope for

you are brighter than any star in the sky

every time you flash a smile

and when your burdens get too heavy

always remember that i am here for you

not just as your mom 

but as your best friend as well

© Bing (PinkLady) 2010

There's a monster in my family. It has surreptitiously crept into our genes and has now hit my teenage princess.

Last Tuesday, my daughter Jazzy and I went for a walk. Since she usually runs or jogs instead of walking with me, I got the chance to look at her from afar.

"Oh dear, I have to do something about her posture," I remember telling myself. And when I finally caught up with her, I told her how bad her posture was and how I hated it. She just smiled at me and promised to be more conscious about it next time. The same promise she gives me every time I tell her "don't slouch!" or "stand up straight!" or "watch your posture!"

We all know how teenagers hate to be criticized. So I tried to make it up to her and passed on my treasure chest- classic blouses and cool shorts I was hoping to fit into again when I go back to my old form (I have given up on that now). As she was excitedly trying them on, that was when I saw it... a deformed spine.

Why did I not see it before? Was I so blind? Or have I just lived in denial?  The bad posture... I understand now... I wanted to take back all the scolding I gave her. It was not her fault. In fact, I am blaming myself now for not paying attention.

Scoliosis is the medical term for curvature of the spine. Genetics are believed to play a role and my daughter's condition appears to be congenital. The fact that I myself (as well as my mom's sister and her daughter) suffer from mild scoliosis (non-progressive 20 degrees thoracic curve) should have put me on "red alert" with my daughters as it is more often diagnosed in female members of the family (which I learned only now).

Last Thursday, I brought her to two doctors- a rehab medicine specialist and an orthopedic surgeon who specializes in spine surgery.



 X-ray of a person with thoracic dextroscoliosis and lumbar levoscoliosis

The diagnosis: not just single but DOUBLE curve- thoracic (upper spine) curve of 40 degrees and lumbar (lower spine) curve of 60 degrees. For someone her age, progression is 5 degrees per year.

The recommendation: immediate spinal surgery that could last for 10 hours or more. And we are talking here of my 14 year old princess.

Oh nooooooo, not my princess!

Image from Photobucket

A Bend In The Road

There once was a girl

She wanted to become a lawyer

And as she grew older

Each step she took got her closer

To her heart's sole desire.

As dreams do come true

So did hers,and she took her oath

She went on to fight in court

With fervent ardor

Wearing only the best of suits and stilettos.

Each time she walked into a courtroom

She stepped into a magical world of her own

For many years, the law's complexities

And intellectual challenges kept her

Spellbound and mesmerized to no end.

And then somewhere along the way

Something happened...

Suddenly the law that she faithfully

Served and loved

Seemed distant and impossible.

And so, she took on the road

That led her to another path

She took a turn that would lead her far, far away

From the world that she used to know

It all just seemed meaningless.

But not far into the new journey

She opened her eyes and saw

That she was in a strange world

Where nothing seemed right

No matter how hard she tried.

She felt so lost and alone

Her spark of life begun to flicker

Then it dawned on her

When she took that sudden turn

She left her heart behind.

 © Bing (PinkLady) 2010

Have I Forgiven This Man?

Have I really learned to forgive?

I thought I have

But today I came face to face

With one of the men

Who caused us our grief

Five years ago...

When he walked into the room

I knew right away that

This was the moment 

I've long waited for

Here he was on a table next to ours

At a party hosted by James' cousin...

The man who caused our grief

In the same room with me

My mind raced, my heart skipped a beat

I searched my soul for answers

A lump formed in my throat

Have I really forgiven this man?

have i really forgiven this man?

Cate of Show My Face hosts this wonderful meme.

In Pursuit of Happiness

"You are the person who has to decide.

Whether you'll do it or toss it aside;
you are the person who makes up your mind.
Whether you'll lead or will linger behind.
Whether you'll try for the goal that's afar.
Or just be contented to stay where you are."
~Edgar A. Guest~

Two years ago,
I made a choice...
I MOVED ON.
The climb was not easy
but at least I knew where I was headed.

That choice paid off...
Each little step led me to the light.

I found the warmth of the sun
embracing me again.
I was finally out of the abyss.

Now that I hear the wind whispering...
I show a little hesitation to heed
but the quest for truth
is too tempting to ignore.

But what is the truth anyway...
In my heart there is no doubt
that I can never go back.
I will not put my life on hold again
for another journey in the dark.

In time maybe... in time...
the truth will unfold on its own.
For now it does not matter anymore.
After all, I found closure in my heart
a long, long time ago
when I decided to bury the past and move on.

I have to remind myself over and over again that no "new development" can bring James back. I am not putting my life on hold again for another "breakthrough" that only serves to bring more questions and uncertainties. I had more than enough time to weigh my options these past few days when I got sick. It dawned on me that I made a choice two years ago. Nothing is going to change that now. I am definitely NOT going back. Enough is enough!

No dark cloud can ever hide my sun again.

a pocketful of sunshine to everyone!!!

Blessings to all,

The Ever Elusive Truth

I hope it is not true that political motives are behind the inquiry. Because those left behind by the victims of summary killings and unexplained disappearances in the city just want to move on with their lives.

Injecting politics into the ongoing investigation definitely muddles up the issue. It is unfair to point fingers at people without clear evidence of their participation in the wrongdoing.

It is also unfair to ascribe sinister motives to people who are just doing their jobs. What matters most now is to find out the truth which, in the eyes of the families of the victims (the desaparecidos), is "what really happened to those who disappeared."

For someone like me who has waited for 4 long years, finding the skeletal remains or whatever remnant of my missing husband will forever close that dark chapter of my life and allow me to take a step forward.

The bones that have been found may not even be of James but they definitely belonged to someone whose own family had suffered like us. I am sure they would welcome the answers that have long eluded them.

This new development has opened up old, deep wounds. I wish I can turn a blind eye and remain detached. After all, I have long moved on... or so I thought. They have shattered my illusion.

Blessings to all,

I Stood My Ground

4 years ago, James disappeared without a trace. There were 3 of them actually. 2 weeks later, one of them, a very close friend of ours, was tagged as a "druglord" by no less than this city's highest official himself. Wow! Tough luck! That was our friend. And he was with my husband and another friend (a doctor) that fateful evening.

So this declaration justified the unexplained disappearance then???

One of them was a "druglord" so that makes it okay if they all disappeared from the face of the earth???

If you find a sympathetic police friend in your office room one morning begging you to keep mum so the rest of the family (comprising of 3 little kids) would be spared, do you think you would still find the guts to cry out loud in pain? If you hear of malicious talks from people in power accusing your own husband of having benefited from his affiliation with an alleged "druglord," do you think you stood a chance at defending your name in public? Again, even if it were true, did that justify James' disappearance?

If you received advice to leave the city until things have cooled down, would you heed it despite knowing that you didn't do anybody wrong and you are in fact the aggrieved person here?

I stood my ground. I didn't leave my beloved city. Not that I didn't have anywhere else to go. I talked to my kids, laid down the facts and we faced the odds together.

I am not ignorant. When a person is accused of a wrongdoing, you bring him to court. You don't summarily execute him. You let justice run its course. This is Davao. You can't buy justice here. If you have enough evidence to pin a person to a crime, lock him up if you want, but give him fully his rights to due process of law.

So where is justice in this case?

And what happens now to the family of the people left behind by the victims of summary execution? I have 3 kids, all in their teens. 4 years ago, the eldest was in 4th grade. How can I impart the value of trust to them when they lost their own father because of a friend whom we have considered part of this family and whose children they embraced as their own siblings?

I am telling you this... KILL SOMEONE and you kill his entire family. James' mother died 2 years after his disappearance. I would have killed myself a long time ago if not for my kids. The pain inflicted on us was too deep to find the words to describe it. Nobody was there to comfort my kids whenever they felt the need to run to their hiding places just to cry... Oh, they had that in school and at home.

Where was I? I was out there nursing my own wounds and trying to eke out a living at the same time (amidst my own grief) to raise and feed my orphaned kids.

So please, I am appealing to you... YOU WHO HAVE LONG WANTED TO TALK TO ME... Tell me PLEASE if James' remains were among those found in Ma-a. Allow me to give him a decent burial so my kids and I can fully move on and finally bury the past. Give us closure please. That's what I beg of you.

I Am Scared

"People deal too much with the negative,

with what is wrong.
Why not try and see positive things,
to just touch those things
and make them bloom?"
-Thich Nhat Hanh-

It's not easy. Sometimes it also gets dark here. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I just can't get out of it.

I fear of...

The future... I can't seem to see myself 5 or 10 years from now. I don't know where I will be. And the feeling that plans don't happen according to my will is pervasive. It never left me. Why can't I just completely "let go and let God?"

The present... Everything about the present scares me. What if I fail my kids? What if I can no longer go on? What if I am still in denial of my life's present circumstances? What if reality is clouded by my own illusions?

I hate it when I am not in control. But all the things that are happening tell me that there is a greater power out there. Sometimes I just have to believe and trust that everything will end well... for the good of everyone. I should not let "what I cannot do" interfere with "what I can do."

Writing about this helps. In fact, I feel much better now that I have defined what bothers me. I know where these anxieties are coming from. The sun has not stopped shining though. I just have to embrace its warmth again.

a pocketful of sunshine to everyone!!!

Blessings to all,

The Man In The Mirror Tried To Heal The World

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could
Have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and
Then make a change..."

ED BRADLEY: Michael, what would you say to you — your fans, who have supported you through all of this, and — and who today, some of them might have questions? What would you say to them?

MICHAEL JACKSON: Well, I would tell them I love them very much. And I— I— they've learned about me, and know about me from a distance. But if you really want to know about me, there's a song I wrote, which is the most honest song I've ever written. It's the most autobiographical song I've ever written. It's called, "Childhood." They should listen to it. That's the one they really should listen to. And thank you for your support, the fans around the world. I love you with all my heart. I don't take any of it for granted. Any of it. And I love them dearly, all over the world.

(Interview With Ed Bradley On '60 Minutes')

Here are some of MICHAEL JACKSON'S songs that made a difference in this beautiful yet chaotic world of ours...





We may never see him perform live again but his songs will linger on through many generations to come.

How about you, have you thought of doing anything significant with your life? Nothing big is necessary... making someone smile each day is enough.

Here's my share:

a pocketful of sunshine to everyone!!!

Blessings to all,

Image Source: Michael Jackson - King Of Pop from http://tube.hk

Ranting For The Last Time

After blaming my laptop ("Windows problem" they said) and two reformats later (to no avail), SmartBro has finally admitted an equipment problem on their part, whatever that means. FINALLY, they are sending their technical people to my house tomorrow to look into whatever re-configuration that needs to be done. After almost 30 days of malfunction, we MIGHT be able to FINALLY figure out why- why oh why!!!- my laptop works in all internet stations and cafes except in my own house. A week ago, we brought my unit to a friend's house which is being served by the same provider (SmartBro broadband) and - wow!- it worked there.

My no-show in this blog has caused its page rank to drop. That shouldn't really bother me because I am not into commercial blogging. But then, every blogger would know how difficult it is to achieve a google page rank and a site's rise gives one a sense of achievement or self-fulfillment.

My melancholic attacks in the past were effectively cut short by my blogging. This blog became my sanctuary... my so-called "happy pill."

I tried to get a new connection with another provider but after 2 weeks of waiting, they came back to inform us that they allegedly ran out of premium lines in my area and offered us the option of obtaining internet connection at the speed of dial up connection. Tough luck!!! Oh well, such is life.

Anyway, I don't want to waste any more of my time ranting about SmartBro's lousy service. I hope that after tomorrow, I will be back in full swing.

Blessings to all,

Keep on Dancing... The Music Plays On

"I gotta keep dancin'... smilin'...
to keep from breakin' apart...

I gotta keep dancin'... smilin'...
to cover up my broken heart..."
-I Gotta Keep Dancing by Carrie Lucas (1977)-

I dance. I dance when I'm happy. I dance when I'm sad. And I dance like crazy. I don't care if you like it. I dance only for myself. The heavier I feel, the crazier I get. And it makes me feel so good.

Here in the comforts of my home, I dance alone. My kids are used to it now and it always leaves a smile on their faces. They grew up watching me dance. They have even memorized the lyrics of my favorite tune- the Dancing Queen (Abba)- like a national anthem of sorts. :D

Give me an upbeat tune and you'll see me swaying to the beat- be it disco, trance, house, hiphop or whatever.

I was home alone tonight. So I danced and it felt soooooooooooo good. Do these songs sound familiar to you- Dancing Queen by Abba, I Gotta Keep Dancing by Carrie Lucas, Ain't Nothing Gonna Keep Me From You by Teri de Sario, I Love The Nightlife by Alicia Bridges, Last Dance by Donna Summer, Souvenirs by Voyage, It's Raining Men by The Weather Girls, Rhythm of the Night by El Debarge, A Night to Remember by Shalamar, Breakout by the Swing Out Sisters? Oh yes, they are all in my playlist... and more. All disco hits of the 70's and the 80's.

In those darkest moments of my life, I danced like there was no tomorrow. As each wave of pain or anxiety hit me, I bumped it off with every sway of my hips and swing of my hands. Eyes closed, feeling every rhythm, tears flowing down my face. I didn't care at all.

Now I understand why James bought me my boom box. He knew me too well. He even used it to his advantage several times. He knew I could not resist my music. Good old disco.

Now I feel like dancing again :D In the meantime, keep on smiling...




Blessings to all,






Image source: Dance Therapie from http://www.dance-therapie.ch
* Found with

A Powerful Prayer That Was Meant To Be Shared

"My soul is overwhelmed with
sorrow to the point of death."

It all begins with a question. It all begins with an unquenchable thirst, an insatiable hunger. You begin to feel that there is something more than what meets the eye. You want to know. You want to find out.

You start asking: "What is the meaning of my life?" "What am I here for?" "Why am I doing this?"

My own journey began when I was fresh out of college. At a time when I had everything, I was so discontented. My heart yearned for more and yet, I had no idea at all what I was looking for.

Let me explain something here. I was never really religious although I made every effort to be a good Christian. I can't even recite an entire verse from the Bible until now like some people do. Although I was raised a Catholic and spent 10 years of my life in an exclusive Catholic school ran by nuns, I associated Bible reading with grueling graded recitations, quizzes and exams on Religion and Christian Living.

When I began having a recurring nightmare- where I would feel I was floating on air and saw my sleeping body right below me which always freaked me out, of course- my Mom placed a Bible and a rosary on my bedside.

There I was, in my early 20's and feeling so lost, opening the Bible again and discovering for the first time that some of my feelings of inadequacy were alleviated by short verses and passages. Soon after, I began keeping a journal of verses that struck me and wrote my own reflections on them. It was a difficult period in my life. The confusion overwhelmed me. But I still had no idea where it was coming from. I was desperate to take control of my life and my mind again.

It was in one of those nights that I was led to this prayer. I opened the Bible and there it was in front of me. When I read it, I felt a twitch in my heart. I knew it was meant for me. I read it over and over again until I memorized every single word by heart. It goes like this:

"My Father, if it is possible,
may this cup be taken from me.
Yet not as I will,
but as YOU will."
Matthew 26:39, NIV

This was the prayer that Jesus recited in the Garden of Gethsemane (the Mount of Olives) on the night that he was betrayed. He was downcast and troubled and admitted to his disciples that: "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death."

He then went on to pray a second time:

"My Father, if it is not possible
for this cup to be taken away
UNLESS I drink it,
may Your will be done."

I wish I can enumerate to you all the miracles that this prayer has done for me. When James went missing, I suffered from severe post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd) but could not take any of my medicines (anti-depressants and sleeping pills) because I had to stay up and alert all the time. Every time those debilitating panic attacks, flashbacks and nightmares came, every time a "voice" popped up telling me to end it all-- I paused for a moment to say this prayer until I calmed down. When my Dad had a stroke and was given a slim chance to survive before Christmas in 2007, I held his hand and quietly repeated the same prayer out of desperation. My Dad survived and continues to be a source of strength and inspiration for me and my kids.

They say that nothing happens by accident. This prayer may have seemed so plain and simple when I first came across it. Never in my wildest dream did I imagine that it would someday save my life and my sanity (that's almost two decades later).

I kept this to myself for far too long. Not that this was a secret. But I really never felt the urge to share it with anyone else until I came across Angela of Here and Now~*~4Angel~*~. That's when I realized that there are more people out there who are in a darker place than I was before.

I am no hypocrite. I don't aspire to be a preacher or a church leader (I have great respect and admiration for these people who give so much of themselves to others). I must admit I still don't go to church as often as I should. Heck, I don't even remember when was the last time I went. I don't open the Bible everyday and I have not written on my journal for ages. But I know now that this prayer should not stay with me. This was meant to be shared. I guess my blog is no coincidence after all.

You don't have to be a Catholic, Protestant or Christian to say this prayer. You can change some words, if you must, to suit your own personal belief. But believe in its power to change your life. I am not saying that this is a cure-all or overnight remedy to your woes. It won't resurrect the dead or bring you the impossible. It did not bring back James to us. Neither did it change the circumstances of my life.

However, it DID give me calmness in the midst of chaos, clarity amidst great confusion, gratitude despite of emptiness, relief from a deep searing pain, a forgiving heart in the face of injustice.

This is a prayer for you-- for acceptance, for calmness, for healing, for peace within yourself. It is an armor against your greatest fears and sorrows. Remember, if it worked for Jesus then it must also work for all of us. Again, this is for ACCEPTANCE, HEALING and PEACE within you. Say it like a mantra. Say it over and over again. And mean it from the bottom of your heart. What have you got to lose anyway?


Blessings to all,