Remembering James… 9 Years Later...

JAMES LAO YAP (JIMMY)

September 11, 1965 - January 25, 2005

I can’t believe how fast time flies. Today, we commemorate the 9th year of our loss. It all seems like yesterday- the panic, the frantic search, the grief, the anger and bitterness, the confusion, that excruciating inner pain… They are still clear in my mind. 

9 years ago, our world was covered in darkness. A dark nebula hovered above us- day by day, week by week, month by month that turned into years. 

But we (my kids and I) refused to live in murky existence. One day at a time, we took baby steps towards finding the Light again. We resolved that our own lives were not going to end miserably. We decided that having each other was more than enough blessing to keep us going. And so, our journey towards the path of gratitude began…

Yes, it’s true. Happiness is a choice. For us, it was a decision we had to make each day of our existence until such time that it became a habit. The last 9 years have opened our eyes even to the smallest manna from heaven. In everything, we learned to give thanks. Because now we know, everything that happens- whether good or bad- HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

December 2013

Back in 2007

A pocketful of sunshine and 

A Bend In The Road

There once was a girl

She wanted to become a lawyer

And as she grew older

Each step she took got her closer

To her heart's sole desire.

As dreams do come true

So did hers,and she took her oath

She went on to fight in court

With fervent ardor

Wearing only the best of suits and stilettos.

Each time she walked into a courtroom

She stepped into a magical world of her own

For many years, the law's complexities

And intellectual challenges kept her

Spellbound and mesmerized to no end.

And then somewhere along the way

Something happened...

Suddenly the law that she faithfully

Served and loved

Seemed distant and impossible.

And so, she took on the road

That led her to another path

She took a turn that would lead her far, far away

From the world that she used to know

It all just seemed meaningless.

But not far into the new journey

She opened her eyes and saw

That she was in a strange world

Where nothing seemed right

No matter how hard she tried.

She felt so lost and alone

Her spark of life begun to flicker

Then it dawned on her

When she took that sudden turn

She left her heart behind.

 © Bing (PinkLady) 2010

In Memory of James and The Thousands of People Who Lost their Lives 8 Years Ago

James would have turned 44 today. My kids lit a candle and offered their prayers for him early this morning. It's good to know that after 4 years, they still remember his birthday. It's also good to know that I sense no pain in them anymore. Maybe they still miss him but this tragedy has not derailed their lives. As I said before, there are no longer "what if's" and "what-would-have-been". My children are moving towards the future and have not looked back for a long time. We talk of "tomorrow" now and it warms my heart to know that they are looking forward to all the challenges and changes ahead of us.

Also on this day 8 years ago, thousands of people lost their lives in several acts of senseless violence in the US. These people left behind thousands of grieving families and friends who, to this day, couldn't make sense of what really happened that day.

Let us all join in prayer as we remember James on his birthday and all the victims of terrorism around the world, particularly those who lost their lives on September 11, 2001. May they all rest in peace!

It's been a year daddy, I really really miss you.
Mommy says you're safe now,
in a beautiful place called heaven.

We had your favorite dinner tonight
I ate it all up...
... Even though I don't like carrots

I learned how to swim this summer
I can even open my eyes
when I'm under water

Can't you see me?

I started Kindergarten this year
I carry around a picture of us in my Blue's Clues Lunch Box

You are the greatest Daddy
I can swing on the swing by myself ...
Even though I miss you pushing me

Can't you see me?

I miss how you used to tickle me
Tickle my belly
My belly hurts

I try not to cry
Mommy says it's okay
I know you don't like it when I cry

Never wanted me to be sad
I try daddy but it hurts

Is it true you're not coming home
Maybe some day
I can visit you in Heaven okay?

It's time for me to go to bed now
I sleep with the light on.
Just in case you come home,
and kiss me good-night.

I love you so much.
I miss you Daddy

Blessings to all,

A Prayer Out Of Darkness

"The end of all good music is to affect the soul."
-Claudio Monteverdi-

In an earlier post, I wrote that there were three songs that guided me as I picked up the broken pieces of my life. The first song was The Warrior is a Child.

I cannot find the right words to describe to you how all three songs led me out of the dark. But on those times when I was desolate, I never really felt alone just by listening to them. Those were the times when I just listened... and listened well.

While the first song helped me find my courage, this song embodied my desperate call for help. It served as my prayer when I had no strength left to utter a word.

Until now, I cannot help being teary-eyed every time I listen to this song. Those days were my darkest. Yet the sun found its way to shine in my life again. Indeed, music is the language of the soul.

I am where I am now because of HIM... and all for HIS glory.

Lead me Lord
lead me by the hand
and help me face the rising sun
comfort me through all the pain
that life may bring

There's no other hope
that I can lean upon
Lead me Lord,
lead me all my life...

Walk by me Walk by me
across the lonely roads that i may face
take my arms and let Your hand
show me the way

Show the way to live inside Your heart
All my days,
all my life...

You are my light
You're the lamp upon my feet
All the Time, my Lord I need You there
You are my light
I cannot live alone
let me stay by Your guiding love
All through my life Lead me Lord...

Lead me Lord,
even though at times
I'd rather go alone my way
help me take the right direction

Take Your road
Lead me Lord
and never leave my side
all my days, all my life...

You are my light
You're the lamp upon my feet
All the Time, my Lord I need You there
You are my light
I cannot live alone
let me stay by Your guiding love
All through my life...

Lead me Lord...

Blessings to all,

A Powerful Prayer That Was Meant To Be Shared

"My soul is overwhelmed with
sorrow to the point of death."

It all begins with a question. It all begins with an unquenchable thirst, an insatiable hunger. You begin to feel that there is something more than what meets the eye. You want to know. You want to find out.

You start asking: "What is the meaning of my life?" "What am I here for?" "Why am I doing this?"

My own journey began when I was fresh out of college. At a time when I had everything, I was so discontented. My heart yearned for more and yet, I had no idea at all what I was looking for.

Let me explain something here. I was never really religious although I made every effort to be a good Christian. I can't even recite an entire verse from the Bible until now like some people do. Although I was raised a Catholic and spent 10 years of my life in an exclusive Catholic school ran by nuns, I associated Bible reading with grueling graded recitations, quizzes and exams on Religion and Christian Living.

When I began having a recurring nightmare- where I would feel I was floating on air and saw my sleeping body right below me which always freaked me out, of course- my Mom placed a Bible and a rosary on my bedside.

There I was, in my early 20's and feeling so lost, opening the Bible again and discovering for the first time that some of my feelings of inadequacy were alleviated by short verses and passages. Soon after, I began keeping a journal of verses that struck me and wrote my own reflections on them. It was a difficult period in my life. The confusion overwhelmed me. But I still had no idea where it was coming from. I was desperate to take control of my life and my mind again.

It was in one of those nights that I was led to this prayer. I opened the Bible and there it was in front of me. When I read it, I felt a twitch in my heart. I knew it was meant for me. I read it over and over again until I memorized every single word by heart. It goes like this:

"My Father, if it is possible,
may this cup be taken from me.
Yet not as I will,
but as YOU will."
Matthew 26:39, NIV

This was the prayer that Jesus recited in the Garden of Gethsemane (the Mount of Olives) on the night that he was betrayed. He was downcast and troubled and admitted to his disciples that: "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death."

He then went on to pray a second time:

"My Father, if it is not possible
for this cup to be taken away
UNLESS I drink it,
may Your will be done."

I wish I can enumerate to you all the miracles that this prayer has done for me. When James went missing, I suffered from severe post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd) but could not take any of my medicines (anti-depressants and sleeping pills) because I had to stay up and alert all the time. Every time those debilitating panic attacks, flashbacks and nightmares came, every time a "voice" popped up telling me to end it all-- I paused for a moment to say this prayer until I calmed down. When my Dad had a stroke and was given a slim chance to survive before Christmas in 2007, I held his hand and quietly repeated the same prayer out of desperation. My Dad survived and continues to be a source of strength and inspiration for me and my kids.

They say that nothing happens by accident. This prayer may have seemed so plain and simple when I first came across it. Never in my wildest dream did I imagine that it would someday save my life and my sanity (that's almost two decades later).

I kept this to myself for far too long. Not that this was a secret. But I really never felt the urge to share it with anyone else until I came across Angela of Here and Now~*~4Angel~*~. That's when I realized that there are more people out there who are in a darker place than I was before.

I am no hypocrite. I don't aspire to be a preacher or a church leader (I have great respect and admiration for these people who give so much of themselves to others). I must admit I still don't go to church as often as I should. Heck, I don't even remember when was the last time I went. I don't open the Bible everyday and I have not written on my journal for ages. But I know now that this prayer should not stay with me. This was meant to be shared. I guess my blog is no coincidence after all.

You don't have to be a Catholic, Protestant or Christian to say this prayer. You can change some words, if you must, to suit your own personal belief. But believe in its power to change your life. I am not saying that this is a cure-all or overnight remedy to your woes. It won't resurrect the dead or bring you the impossible. It did not bring back James to us. Neither did it change the circumstances of my life.

However, it DID give me calmness in the midst of chaos, clarity amidst great confusion, gratitude despite of emptiness, relief from a deep searing pain, a forgiving heart in the face of injustice.

This is a prayer for you-- for acceptance, for calmness, for healing, for peace within yourself. It is an armor against your greatest fears and sorrows. Remember, if it worked for Jesus then it must also work for all of us. Again, this is for ACCEPTANCE, HEALING and PEACE within you. Say it like a mantra. Say it over and over again. And mean it from the bottom of your heart. What have you got to lose anyway?


Blessings to all,

A Place of Solace... My Home

There were three songs that guided me as I picked up the broken pieces of my life. I played them every opportunity I got everyday... as soon as I got up in the morning, on my way to the office, while working, while crying in between tasks, and in my quiet moments. Most of the time at home, my kids would cry with me as we sang these songs together. Those were great moments (at a time of great darkness) when we bonded and helped each other cope.

I still listen to them... this time though, to remind myself how I reached the path I'm treading on now (lest I forget). They are a constant reminder of the strength I found from within and how I found it. These are songs that eventually led me to accept that everything is and will be beautiful in God's time.

I am sharing with you one of these songs-- the one that has the greatest impact on me and my children. Although this was originally written by Twila Paris, the version that became very popular here was that of Gary Valenciano's.

THE WARRIOR IS A CHILD
Music and Lyrics by Twila Paris

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing, I'm strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me, I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor the warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing, I never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies that lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor the warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
Cause deep inside this armor, deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor the warrior is a child

The warrior is a child...

Now you know where I got my strength... the ultimate source of my will to carry on. Perhaps one day, when you feel like giving up, listening to this song will ease your pain and remind you that despite life's crazy downturn, there will always be a safe place to hide... a place of solace and comfort... a place you call Home.


Blessings to all,






Video URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XHmua3TTRQ&feature=related

The Road to Recovery

"In the end, we stop asking why something has happened... but start asking how we will respond. What we intend to do now that it has happened."
- When Bad Things Happen To Good People by Harold Kushner -

For 11 years, I expected that I would be growing old with James. I was contented with the thought of a shared life together and a shared future. All of that suddenly changed one morning. Everything had been spoiled.

Whether I liked it or not, a core of my old identity was lost. Fortunately, I was left with something else: a chance to grow. My favorite line then every time someone asked how I was coping was: "Don't worry, I'm sure I will survive." Along the way, I learned that growing and thriving are more than just surviving.

In a sense, each loss is a pregnant pause in the process of personal growth. Just as time provides a resource, loss also presents a window of opportunity. Believe me, it was not easy for me to clear off that window and peer through the haze. What proved to be the ultimate challenge was to pass courageously through the familiar framework and into the unknown. But I knew I had to do it because it was the only way I could discover a path to recovery... a passage forward into life.

After overcoming denial, anger and active grieving, I jumped right into action and accepted all invitations and nominations for positions in various civic groups and foundations that I was a member of. I was president of this, vice president of that and a director of whatever. I led a committee for a convention which proved to be the most arduous and controversial task. The busier I got, the better. People talked, I didn't care.

Change was the challenge ahead. I restored my vitality with the thrill of doing things alone for the first time. A new intact identity gradually emerged- someone who was stronger, wiser and perhaps even nicer than the one I reluctantly left behind.

Moreover, I began to sleep better, think clearer, cry less and smile more. I gained greater control of my emotions and was not easily overwhelmed by them anymore. I became less obsessed with my loss and could talk about it more easily (as I am doing now). I felt freer to choose when and how to grieve and to bounce back. I became less preoccupied with myself and more patient with everyone, including myself.

The waves of pain no longer come as often as before and they don't knock me over easily anymore. I think less of the past and find myself reaching forward to the future less fearfully.

And as I drink in the cup of healing, let me take this opportunity to give a toast of thanks to those who helped me along the way.



Blessings to all,