Flowers to Show our Love

After the traditional visit at the cemetery on the 1st of November, my children and I proceeded to Sta. Ana Wharf. It was too late to get a small boat to take us out to sea. The waves were too strong.

As we walked to the shore, the sound of the waves filled the air of silence between us. Raging waters threatened to drench our feet but we were unmindful. We were there for a reason.

Each whispering a prayer for James, my children and I took turns throwing flowers and loose petals into the sea. We had a bag full of them, you see.

The wind roared loudly... The sky turned gloomy… The waves raged to shore… Perhaps heaven heard us.

Time may have eased the pain and helped us mend the broken pieces of our fragile lives but… We still cope with grief one day at a time until now… even after almost 9 long years.

A pocketful of sunshine

and 

Image source: China Central Television

His Bike Is His Passion

When my son first asked my permission to join the Bike for Peace, I said NO. He did mention that it was going to cover the distance of 30 kilometers and that immediately sent my heart racing. My only question was, "are you going to use the highway?" He answered "yes" so I said "no!"

When I asked that question, his initial reaction was something like "duh!" Lol! It was a stupid question after all and he knew where it was leading to. He eventually shrugged his shoulder and retreated to his room.

Feeling guilty about it, I summoned him back and asked realistic (albeit more appropriate) questions like who he was biking with, what time would he leave and what time would I expect him back. His answers didn't make sense to me but at that point, I only needed a basis to reconsider my first decision. I knew how important his biking is to him and this was his first time to join a group of serious bikers.

So on November 30 (Monday, a holiday here), he left our house at 6:00 a.m. which is his usual time to go biking on weekends and holidays. As the hours passed, I had to fight the urge to send him sms asking where he was. Do you have any idea how hard it was to stop myself from worrying that morning?

I was so relieved to see him home before noon.

Before I could speak though, he proudly showed me his certificate. As I read it, I couldn't help but beam with pride.

"The bearer has proven endurance for the cause of harmony, peace and progress in our country."

It finally made sense to me. He did mention "Bike for Peace" when he asked permission but I guess I wasn't really listening. Neither did I equate or associate it with the cause that everyone here is clamoring and fighting for now. After all, he is just a 15-year-old kid.

But even 15 year olds have their own opinion. The children have seen on the news how almost 60 people have been brutally killed. My own son believes that justice has been denied to us when his father met his untimely end almost 5 years ago. This has got to stop, he said. What better way to express it than joining an activity closest to his heart! I guess this is his own little way of helping, not us, but those whose lives (and families) stand to be spared if the injustice around us finally stops.

It's Not Your Fault...

Her letter read: "I'm sorry... I just can't take it anymore..."

And just like that, she took her life. Her pain may have ended. Her sleepless nights may have also ended. But then, her bereaved children's nightmare has just begun.

"Why?" Her children asked. For them, this was their mother-- a strong-willed woman who showed no trace of weakness at all in her entire life. A survivor. A real fighter. A winner. She was always in control... even of their lives. She had everything that money could buy. They all thought that she could handle everything. Now they are haunted by "why's" and have no way of knowing what went on in her mind.

Coping with death in the family is one of life's most challenging trials. But when a loved one commits suicide, the family does not only experience profound grief because of the sudden loss but the overwhelming feelings of incomprehension, blame and anger are added to their suffering.

It does not end there though. They then start to feel isolated and judged by their friends and colleagues. The stigma, whether imagined or not, may cause them to withdraw in order to protect themselves from intrusive and difficult questions as well as disparaging remarks.

Right now, I wish I have the right words to comfort my friend who lost her mother. I know that she has not told her son the truth about his grandmother's death. She wanted him to remember his grandmother as the exuberant, positive person that she was.

My friend, at this point in time, there is no right or wrong and there are no rules in dealing and coping with your grief. Let me assure you though that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Whatever drove your mother to commit suicide, you had nothing to do with it. I can feel your pain and confusion. I can feel your anger. You are entitled to feel that way. After all, this tragedy has thrown all your emotions into turmoil.

No, you couldn't have prevented it. A person who is determined to commit suicide is likely to accomplish it. Perhaps what is best now is to learn how to accept this. She is gone so she can't be helped anymore. But you... you have to get on with your life. For your family's sake. For your own sake.

When you are ready to talk about it, you know that I am here for you.

In Memory of James and The Thousands of People Who Lost their Lives 8 Years Ago

James would have turned 44 today. My kids lit a candle and offered their prayers for him early this morning. It's good to know that after 4 years, they still remember his birthday. It's also good to know that I sense no pain in them anymore. Maybe they still miss him but this tragedy has not derailed their lives. As I said before, there are no longer "what if's" and "what-would-have-been". My children are moving towards the future and have not looked back for a long time. We talk of "tomorrow" now and it warms my heart to know that they are looking forward to all the challenges and changes ahead of us.

Also on this day 8 years ago, thousands of people lost their lives in several acts of senseless violence in the US. These people left behind thousands of grieving families and friends who, to this day, couldn't make sense of what really happened that day.

Let us all join in prayer as we remember James on his birthday and all the victims of terrorism around the world, particularly those who lost their lives on September 11, 2001. May they all rest in peace!

It's been a year daddy, I really really miss you.
Mommy says you're safe now,
in a beautiful place called heaven.

We had your favorite dinner tonight
I ate it all up...
... Even though I don't like carrots

I learned how to swim this summer
I can even open my eyes
when I'm under water

Can't you see me?

I started Kindergarten this year
I carry around a picture of us in my Blue's Clues Lunch Box

You are the greatest Daddy
I can swing on the swing by myself ...
Even though I miss you pushing me

Can't you see me?

I miss how you used to tickle me
Tickle my belly
My belly hurts

I try not to cry
Mommy says it's okay
I know you don't like it when I cry

Never wanted me to be sad
I try daddy but it hurts

Is it true you're not coming home
Maybe some day
I can visit you in Heaven okay?

It's time for me to go to bed now
I sleep with the light on.
Just in case you come home,
and kiss me good-night.

I love you so much.
I miss you Daddy

Blessings to all,

Butterfly Thoughts in Paradise

"Out of your vulnerabilities
will come your strength."

~Sigmund Freud~

A black butterfly flutters around me as I write this post. I feel a presence... a haunting presence. But it does not hurt anymore. I can only look back with a smile. It was a life well lived, albeit shortly shared. It deserves a celebration, not an extended lamentation.

The sound of my children's laughter echoes in my ears. They are back from island hopping with their cousins. I hope they will never forget the man whose shortly lived existence showed them what unconditional love really meant... the man whose unabashed display of childish banters made them giggle to tears.

As we take this weekend break with family (James' brothers and their own families), there is no more "what if Dad was here with us?" We no longer feel guilty enjoying life's and nature's bountiful blessings without him.

But as my youngest daughter sees the butterfly, she matter-of-factly states what she thought is obvious: "Dad is here with us." Her face brightens up with the sweetest smile I have ever seen... then she leaves me again to join her siblings and cousins.

Now whenever they look at his photo, they see the smile that used to define his face. In their hearts, the word "Dad" has taken a new form ~~ an angel watching over them every step of the way.

My children have finally moved on.

Weekend in Paradise...

the Parola Wharf/Bar where guests are welcomed
upon arrival and the resort's infinity pool

The Mandaya Houses are laid out on their own beach front,
setting it on a different pace from the rest of the main island.

Mandaya House No. 20... my room, sweet room

pool and jacuzzi right in front of my room

a jacuzzi treat for the kids

kids took a dip at the nearby Malipano Island

Malipano Island's own stretch of white sand beach

a pocketful of sunshine to everyone!!!

Blessings to all,

I Stood My Ground

4 years ago, James disappeared without a trace. There were 3 of them actually. 2 weeks later, one of them, a very close friend of ours, was tagged as a "druglord" by no less than this city's highest official himself. Wow! Tough luck! That was our friend. And he was with my husband and another friend (a doctor) that fateful evening.

So this declaration justified the unexplained disappearance then???

One of them was a "druglord" so that makes it okay if they all disappeared from the face of the earth???

If you find a sympathetic police friend in your office room one morning begging you to keep mum so the rest of the family (comprising of 3 little kids) would be spared, do you think you would still find the guts to cry out loud in pain? If you hear of malicious talks from people in power accusing your own husband of having benefited from his affiliation with an alleged "druglord," do you think you stood a chance at defending your name in public? Again, even if it were true, did that justify James' disappearance?

If you received advice to leave the city until things have cooled down, would you heed it despite knowing that you didn't do anybody wrong and you are in fact the aggrieved person here?

I stood my ground. I didn't leave my beloved city. Not that I didn't have anywhere else to go. I talked to my kids, laid down the facts and we faced the odds together.

I am not ignorant. When a person is accused of a wrongdoing, you bring him to court. You don't summarily execute him. You let justice run its course. This is Davao. You can't buy justice here. If you have enough evidence to pin a person to a crime, lock him up if you want, but give him fully his rights to due process of law.

So where is justice in this case?

And what happens now to the family of the people left behind by the victims of summary execution? I have 3 kids, all in their teens. 4 years ago, the eldest was in 4th grade. How can I impart the value of trust to them when they lost their own father because of a friend whom we have considered part of this family and whose children they embraced as their own siblings?

I am telling you this... KILL SOMEONE and you kill his entire family. James' mother died 2 years after his disappearance. I would have killed myself a long time ago if not for my kids. The pain inflicted on us was too deep to find the words to describe it. Nobody was there to comfort my kids whenever they felt the need to run to their hiding places just to cry... Oh, they had that in school and at home.

Where was I? I was out there nursing my own wounds and trying to eke out a living at the same time (amidst my own grief) to raise and feed my orphaned kids.

So please, I am appealing to you... YOU WHO HAVE LONG WANTED TO TALK TO ME... Tell me PLEASE if James' remains were among those found in Ma-a. Allow me to give him a decent burial so my kids and I can fully move on and finally bury the past. Give us closure please. That's what I beg of you.

Chinese New Year's Eve and James' 4th Year of Disappearance

This year, the Chinese Lunar New Year falls on January 26th.

Today, the 25th, is James' 4th year of disappearance. It is also Chinese New Year's Eve. My kids and I will be joining his brothers and their families (the in-laws) to welcome the Year of the Ox the traditional way. That would be dinner and some rituals to:

1. honor and remember the departed family members and ancestors
2. usher in good luck and prosperity into the family

Today, my son also asked me who is responsible for his dad's disappearance. I know the answer but I refrained from giving him a definite one. He asked if his dad is really dead, I said Yes. :( Is there any other way of telling a 14-year-old boy? He has asked me this perhaps a hundred times already.

When he gave me a disappointed look, I told him to accept the truth- his dad is not coming back. I assured him that I feel much better now after learning to forgive the people who have caused us pain... that he would feel the same way if he starts forgiving as well. He nodded. He shrugged his shoulders. And went on to play an internet game on his laptop.

May all of you be blessed with great fortune, good health,
love and laughter in the Year of the Earth Ox.
Happy New Year to everyone!

Blessings to all,

Jazmine's Poem About Life

Life is indeed one long journey for all of us. I remember I was 30 when I first started searching for the real meaning and purpose of my life. That was the beginning of my personal quest for wisdom and enlightenment.

All I wanted was to impart to my kids the life lessons I have learned so they won't have to go through it the hard way. I guess I have gone too far and must have opened their eyes to a reality that an ordinary child couldn't see.

Today, I read this poem that Jazmine wrote last night. These are questions that are so profound for adults to absorb... much more for a 12 year old girl...

Maybe we should never really underestimate our children.


WHY
[written by Jazmine]


Why can't life be easy to figure out
so I won't have to shout...
Why can't anything I wish for come true
so I won't have anything to rue...

Why is it so simple to die than to live
and live for what to give?
Is it our job
at the end to sob?

To regret everything...
or maybe at least something...
and cry at the end
for a path to bend.

A Child's Grief

My 14-year-old son left me a YouTube link last night in my yahoo messenger. He insisted that I open it right away. As I watched the video, it dawned on me why Laurence wanted me to see it. It speaks of their own grief when he and his sisters lost their dad almost 4 years ago... the kind of sorrow that everyone took for granted because we all thought they were just kids and didn't know any better.

This video was made for the 9/11 victims. Indeed, it was a sudden and tragic loss for most families whose father, mother, husband, wife, son, daughter, brother, sister or friend had perished in that terror attack. Until now, it escapes me how some men can be so cruel as to include innocent people in their rage.

The tragedy happened on September 11, 2001, the same day that James celebrated his 36th birthday. And since 2005, my family has joined the world in remembering September 11 and celebrating the lives of very special people we have lost.