Remembering James… 9 Years Later...

JAMES LAO YAP (JIMMY)

September 11, 1965 - January 25, 2005

I can’t believe how fast time flies. Today, we commemorate the 9th year of our loss. It all seems like yesterday- the panic, the frantic search, the grief, the anger and bitterness, the confusion, that excruciating inner pain… They are still clear in my mind. 

9 years ago, our world was covered in darkness. A dark nebula hovered above us- day by day, week by week, month by month that turned into years. 

But we (my kids and I) refused to live in murky existence. One day at a time, we took baby steps towards finding the Light again. We resolved that our own lives were not going to end miserably. We decided that having each other was more than enough blessing to keep us going. And so, our journey towards the path of gratitude began…

Yes, it’s true. Happiness is a choice. For us, it was a decision we had to make each day of our existence until such time that it became a habit. The last 9 years have opened our eyes even to the smallest manna from heaven. In everything, we learned to give thanks. Because now we know, everything that happens- whether good or bad- HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

December 2013

Back in 2007

A pocketful of sunshine and 

Of Loss and Regrets… and Getting Through...

“I do not know anymore…” 

This was not a line from Janet Napoles during the Senate Hearing for PDAF Scam but from a colleague/very close friend of mine who is grieving the sudden and unexpected loss of his wife. 42 years of marriage and suddenly he is alone. 

“I should have been kinder…” 

“I should have treated her better…” 

But then, looking back now I cannot imagine what “kinder” and “better” could he have done considering that he was such a kind, devoted, loving companion to his then-frail wife.

Of course, I know where he’s coming from. There will always be regrets. There will always be words that were left unsaid and intentions that were left undone. We can never have enough time to show enough love. 

How do you make the most of your time with your loved ones? How do you make each moment count? I wish I have the answers for him. But after 9 years of coping with my own loss, the same “regrets” still haunt me… 

“I should have…” 

“I could have…”

“Why didn’t I…???"

As I have painfully learned in my own journey, one never gets over grief. You just learn to get through it…

A pocketful of sunshine and 

Image credit: www.memorialize.com

Musical Monday: Through The Rain (Mariah Carey)

What’s Moving you? Let us know, play along…

Grab the button, post a video and link it back  to Musical Monday at Bloggin' with Amanda. Sign the linky and visit the other players cuz they need love too …. Simple!

What moves me now is an empowering song from Mariah Carey entitled "Through The Rain." For those who need encouragement and want to get back on their feet, this song's for you.

Posted for Musical Monday... What Moves You?

Calm Waters

calm waves cover me

lull before another storm?

i am slowly sinking

i can choose to float

and go with life's ebb and flow

why am i sinking?

a moon child with a
water sign... melancholic...
challenging hurdle

© Bing (PinkLady) 2010

Image courtesy: Trine Meyer Vogsland
Posted for Sensational Haiku Wednesday (Next week’s theme: Shoes)

and Poetry  Potluck (Next week’s theme: Beaches and Mountains)

Peace Amid The Storm

Serenity is not freedom from the storm,

but peace amid the storm.

When you close your eyes, what do you see? Is it total darkness or is it light?

Whatever it is that you see, stay in that moment... savor that "space" for awhile.

Does your mind start to race? Does panic start to grip you?

Rid your mind of thoughts and be still. [Remember this: The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. -Eckhart Tolle]

This quiet solitude is where you commune with your inner self- a place of harmony and peace.

"It is in the stillness of your mind where you find help for your soul."

Stillness brings forth the voice from within. It is mental and silent listening. To some, it is prayer and worship. For me, it is my private conversation with God- He talks, I listen.

"If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else."



We spend too much time and effort worrying about things we have no control of in the first place. In fact, we even try to change things that we cannot change when the wiser course is just to accept the inevitable.

Like a roller coaster ride, life will take us up and down, scaring and thrilling the hell out of us. There are no brakes nor steering wheel and there is no way out. Don't you think it's best to just sit back and enjoy the experience because we won't get a second ride?

I Am Letting Go Of Worries

"There is nothing that wastes the body like worry,

and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed
to worry about anything whatsoever."
-Mahatma Gandhi-

I have wasted too many hours of too many days worrying about bills and bank account balances, time and deadlines, teenage kids, sleep, stress, work... about the future and life itself. But then I realized that worrying about whatever difficulty I faced never got me anywhere.

And so, I decided to unwind the nerves in my mind, took a deep breath and let it all go. I quietly reminded myself that everything will be okay. I also resolved that--

If I catch myself worrying again about something that doesn't matter, I will just STOP worrying about it.

If I catch myself worrying about something that DOES matter, I will stop worrying about it -- and START TRYING to fix it.

After all, I deserve a life where, even if some people are insensitive and unkind, I am not going to mind because the blessings in my life far, far outweigh the burdens.

I will never again let a single thing rain on my parade.

Think of what we have and NOT of what we don't have...

Have a Great Christmas!

Embracing Sunshine's Warmth This Christmas

It used to be that there were 5 periods in a year (after January 25, 2005) when I fell into deep depression... no matter how I tried to fight it, it just sent me spiraling down without warning. Fortunately, I have learned how to bounce back easily through the years. Awareness has made me more conscious of and in touch with my emotions. I don't allow myself to go through dark periods anymore if and when I can help it.

Christmas was one of those periods.

Not this time though. Christmas this year will be bright and sunny for me.

The sun that's shining in my life now is brighter than anything I have known. Its warm rays touched my life like no other... So warm and so bright that I can hear the Christmas carols and appreciate the little light bulbs that adorn the trees AGAIN.

As one song goes, "endings are beginnings of beautiful things." But life never really stopped being beautiful, did it? I am so glad I can see its beauty once more... and that's because the sun's glow proved too bright to ignore.

Sunshine on Christmas... I can't wait.

Think of what we have and NOT of what we don't have...

Have a Great Christmas!

The Butterfly Story ~ A Lesson In Life... A Christmas Message

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it had and it could go no further.

Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. And we could never fly.

This story has been retold so many times. But since it is Christmas season already, it pays to remind everyone that the only way to live a truly meaningful and satisfying life is by learning how to count your blessings despite the hardships, adversities and struggles that you are going through. Remember, no one is spared from them.

"I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet."

It is all a matter of attitude (the right one at that).

"If you concentrate on finding what is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul."

By looking at your challenges as blessings in disguise, you get to act positively and more objectively. However, if you continue to dwell on the hard knocks, wallow in self-pity and get on the blame game, not only would you NOT be able to get your act together but you will also end up with long-term deleterious effects on your mind and body.

So when the going gets rough, remember (and never forget!) that you are made of tougher stuff that can keep you going.

Think of what we have and NOT of what we don't have...

Have a Great Christmas!

Butterfly Thoughts in Paradise

"Out of your vulnerabilities
will come your strength."

~Sigmund Freud~

A black butterfly flutters around me as I write this post. I feel a presence... a haunting presence. But it does not hurt anymore. I can only look back with a smile. It was a life well lived, albeit shortly shared. It deserves a celebration, not an extended lamentation.

The sound of my children's laughter echoes in my ears. They are back from island hopping with their cousins. I hope they will never forget the man whose shortly lived existence showed them what unconditional love really meant... the man whose unabashed display of childish banters made them giggle to tears.

As we take this weekend break with family (James' brothers and their own families), there is no more "what if Dad was here with us?" We no longer feel guilty enjoying life's and nature's bountiful blessings without him.

But as my youngest daughter sees the butterfly, she matter-of-factly states what she thought is obvious: "Dad is here with us." Her face brightens up with the sweetest smile I have ever seen... then she leaves me again to join her siblings and cousins.

Now whenever they look at his photo, they see the smile that used to define his face. In their hearts, the word "Dad" has taken a new form ~~ an angel watching over them every step of the way.

My children have finally moved on.

Weekend in Paradise...

the Parola Wharf/Bar where guests are welcomed
upon arrival and the resort's infinity pool

The Mandaya Houses are laid out on their own beach front,
setting it on a different pace from the rest of the main island.

Mandaya House No. 20... my room, sweet room

pool and jacuzzi right in front of my room

a jacuzzi treat for the kids

kids took a dip at the nearby Malipano Island

Malipano Island's own stretch of white sand beach

a pocketful of sunshine to everyone!!!

Blessings to all,