Bali’s Mystique

In an assiduous attempt to survive

Each single day of existence

We tend to forget we owe ourselves

A break once in a while

Until that headache persists

And vertigo sets in

As if to remind us that our brain 

Needs some breathing space too.

And so I was persuaded

By well-meaning girl friends

To go on hiatus in a faraway land

Away from it all, they said

On a journey with no expectations

Expedition of unfamiliar enclave

I closed my eyes and 

Started building castles in the air.

As soon as we landed

A sense of euphoria embraced us

Finally away from it all as promised

No deadline to beat nor

Persistent phone calls to answer

As if magic descended upon us

And the universe contrived to hide us

In this enchanted island called Bali.

One can’t help but admire Bali's

Mystical centuries-old temples on cliffs

And on water in the highlands

Mischievous monkeys standing guard

Ornate designs of wooden doors and trusses 

And of gods and idols made of stone

The alluring landscapes of terraced rice paddies

Serenity calms the mind as one absorbs the beauty of Bali. 

The roaring sound of waves filled the air

As we hiked steep rocky heights

Torrent pummeled the earth below us

As the sun set magnificently

In a horizon of glowing colors

Of red, yellow and orange

Nature’s splendid display is eternally

At its finest on this hemisphere.

© Bing Yap [PinkLady] 2014

An exciting part of the trip was our rendezvous with the famous Ketut Liyer, medicine man of Bali who appeared in the movie “Eat Pray Love” with Julia Roberts.

A pocketful of sunshine and 

Posted for Poetry Pantry #187.

Remembering James… 9 Years Later...

JAMES LAO YAP (JIMMY)

September 11, 1965 - January 25, 2005

I can’t believe how fast time flies. Today, we commemorate the 9th year of our loss. It all seems like yesterday- the panic, the frantic search, the grief, the anger and bitterness, the confusion, that excruciating inner pain… They are still clear in my mind. 

9 years ago, our world was covered in darkness. A dark nebula hovered above us- day by day, week by week, month by month that turned into years. 

But we (my kids and I) refused to live in murky existence. One day at a time, we took baby steps towards finding the Light again. We resolved that our own lives were not going to end miserably. We decided that having each other was more than enough blessing to keep us going. And so, our journey towards the path of gratitude began…

Yes, it’s true. Happiness is a choice. For us, it was a decision we had to make each day of our existence until such time that it became a habit. The last 9 years have opened our eyes even to the smallest manna from heaven. In everything, we learned to give thanks. Because now we know, everything that happens- whether good or bad- HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

December 2013

Back in 2007

A pocketful of sunshine and 

A Powerful Prayer That Was Meant To Be Shared

"My soul is overwhelmed with
sorrow to the point of death."

It all begins with a question. It all begins with an unquenchable thirst, an insatiable hunger. You begin to feel that there is something more than what meets the eye. You want to know. You want to find out.

You start asking: "What is the meaning of my life?" "What am I here for?" "Why am I doing this?"

My own journey began when I was fresh out of college. At a time when I had everything, I was so discontented. My heart yearned for more and yet, I had no idea at all what I was looking for.

Let me explain something here. I was never really religious although I made every effort to be a good Christian. I can't even recite an entire verse from the Bible until now like some people do. Although I was raised a Catholic and spent 10 years of my life in an exclusive Catholic school ran by nuns, I associated Bible reading with grueling graded recitations, quizzes and exams on Religion and Christian Living.

When I began having a recurring nightmare- where I would feel I was floating on air and saw my sleeping body right below me which always freaked me out, of course- my Mom placed a Bible and a rosary on my bedside.

There I was, in my early 20's and feeling so lost, opening the Bible again and discovering for the first time that some of my feelings of inadequacy were alleviated by short verses and passages. Soon after, I began keeping a journal of verses that struck me and wrote my own reflections on them. It was a difficult period in my life. The confusion overwhelmed me. But I still had no idea where it was coming from. I was desperate to take control of my life and my mind again.

It was in one of those nights that I was led to this prayer. I opened the Bible and there it was in front of me. When I read it, I felt a twitch in my heart. I knew it was meant for me. I read it over and over again until I memorized every single word by heart. It goes like this:

"My Father, if it is possible,
may this cup be taken from me.
Yet not as I will,
but as YOU will."
Matthew 26:39, NIV

This was the prayer that Jesus recited in the Garden of Gethsemane (the Mount of Olives) on the night that he was betrayed. He was downcast and troubled and admitted to his disciples that: "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death."

He then went on to pray a second time:

"My Father, if it is not possible
for this cup to be taken away
UNLESS I drink it,
may Your will be done."

I wish I can enumerate to you all the miracles that this prayer has done for me. When James went missing, I suffered from severe post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd) but could not take any of my medicines (anti-depressants and sleeping pills) because I had to stay up and alert all the time. Every time those debilitating panic attacks, flashbacks and nightmares came, every time a "voice" popped up telling me to end it all-- I paused for a moment to say this prayer until I calmed down. When my Dad had a stroke and was given a slim chance to survive before Christmas in 2007, I held his hand and quietly repeated the same prayer out of desperation. My Dad survived and continues to be a source of strength and inspiration for me and my kids.

They say that nothing happens by accident. This prayer may have seemed so plain and simple when I first came across it. Never in my wildest dream did I imagine that it would someday save my life and my sanity (that's almost two decades later).

I kept this to myself for far too long. Not that this was a secret. But I really never felt the urge to share it with anyone else until I came across Angela of Here and Now~*~4Angel~*~. That's when I realized that there are more people out there who are in a darker place than I was before.

I am no hypocrite. I don't aspire to be a preacher or a church leader (I have great respect and admiration for these people who give so much of themselves to others). I must admit I still don't go to church as often as I should. Heck, I don't even remember when was the last time I went. I don't open the Bible everyday and I have not written on my journal for ages. But I know now that this prayer should not stay with me. This was meant to be shared. I guess my blog is no coincidence after all.

You don't have to be a Catholic, Protestant or Christian to say this prayer. You can change some words, if you must, to suit your own personal belief. But believe in its power to change your life. I am not saying that this is a cure-all or overnight remedy to your woes. It won't resurrect the dead or bring you the impossible. It did not bring back James to us. Neither did it change the circumstances of my life.

However, it DID give me calmness in the midst of chaos, clarity amidst great confusion, gratitude despite of emptiness, relief from a deep searing pain, a forgiving heart in the face of injustice.

This is a prayer for you-- for acceptance, for calmness, for healing, for peace within yourself. It is an armor against your greatest fears and sorrows. Remember, if it worked for Jesus then it must also work for all of us. Again, this is for ACCEPTANCE, HEALING and PEACE within you. Say it like a mantra. Say it over and over again. And mean it from the bottom of your heart. What have you got to lose anyway?


Blessings to all,

New Look For My Living Room

If there is one room in this house where James loved to spend most of his time, it was our living room. Never mind if we both dreamed of owning a Victorian type of sofa, the old rattan couch was his haven. I guess that was the reason why the dream never materialized. He simply hated the idea of discarding his favorite couch.

And perhaps that was also the reason why it took me 4 years to decide to finally give my living room a new look. The new set arrived today. I know this modern look is a far cry from his dream Victorian pieces.

But then, this is now MY choice, not his. This is now a true reflection of my taste. Very simple yet elegant. And comfortable. I can stretch out my feet on this comfy set after a hard day's work.

I am truly free.

Endings Always Bring New Beginnings

Starting over after losing James was probably the most daunting task I ever had to do in my life. James and I had planned a dream future and we knew exactly how to get there. But just like that, without any warning at all, he was suddenly gone... and so were our plans and our dreams.

How do you cope when you lose the most important person in your life? I wanted to wither and die behind the door that James closed on his way out of my life. Had there been a grave for him, I would have thrown myself in and joined him. Nothing else really mattered at that time. My life was over, or so I felt, and no amount of kind words from friends and family- not even from my own kids- could comfort me and erase my pain. I was totally lost in my grief.

The painful part was that there were people who could not relate to my pain and, instead of lending support, criticized me (that reached me, of course) either for healing "too fast" whenever I went out with friends or for getting "stuck in my grief" on those extended periods that I preferred to hibernate.

It is true that everyone grieves at his or her own pace. I took my time and that made a lot of people uneasy (maybe because there were those who were afraid that I would eventually become a burden to them). I stayed in that rut for 2 years and 3 months... until I decided to paint a new picture for my life and turn my grief into a new hope for the future. I suddenly realized that all the blessings I counted and thanked God for everyday for the last 2 years would be wasted if I did not put them to good use.

It was uncomfortable at first when the pros started to outweigh the cons of not being in a relationship anymore. I began to appreciate being able to decide on my own without need of conferring with anyone else to seek his approval. I found the true meaning of independence and that was so liberating for me.

Moving on does not mean that I have not loved him enough. It was a decision not to get stuck in the past. When James entered my life, there was no guarantee at all how long he would stay. So instead of wallowing in self pity, I focused on how fortunate I was to have experienced James' unconditional and unfailing love in all of 22 years of my life.

Now I am able to laugh again. I have rebuilt my life and my strength. The blessings have taken a new meaning simply because I have learned to fully appreciate, enjoy and share them with others. And best of all, I have learned to love myself again.