Remembering James… 9 Years Later...

JAMES LAO YAP (JIMMY)

September 11, 1965 - January 25, 2005

I can’t believe how fast time flies. Today, we commemorate the 9th year of our loss. It all seems like yesterday- the panic, the frantic search, the grief, the anger and bitterness, the confusion, that excruciating inner pain… They are still clear in my mind. 

9 years ago, our world was covered in darkness. A dark nebula hovered above us- day by day, week by week, month by month that turned into years. 

But we (my kids and I) refused to live in murky existence. One day at a time, we took baby steps towards finding the Light again. We resolved that our own lives were not going to end miserably. We decided that having each other was more than enough blessing to keep us going. And so, our journey towards the path of gratitude began…

Yes, it’s true. Happiness is a choice. For us, it was a decision we had to make each day of our existence until such time that it became a habit. The last 9 years have opened our eyes even to the smallest manna from heaven. In everything, we learned to give thanks. Because now we know, everything that happens- whether good or bad- HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

December 2013

Back in 2007

A pocketful of sunshine and 

Flowers to Show our Love

After the traditional visit at the cemetery on the 1st of November, my children and I proceeded to Sta. Ana Wharf. It was too late to get a small boat to take us out to sea. The waves were too strong.

As we walked to the shore, the sound of the waves filled the air of silence between us. Raging waters threatened to drench our feet but we were unmindful. We were there for a reason.

Each whispering a prayer for James, my children and I took turns throwing flowers and loose petals into the sea. We had a bag full of them, you see.

The wind roared loudly... The sky turned gloomy… The waves raged to shore… Perhaps heaven heard us.

Time may have eased the pain and helped us mend the broken pieces of our fragile lives but… We still cope with grief one day at a time until now… even after almost 9 long years.

A pocketful of sunshine

and 

Image source: China Central Television

Of Time and Pain... and Gratitude (A Birthday Reflection)

I once dreamed of a sweet and gentle life

Where bliss greeted me at the door

And soft rose petals covered my bed...

But dreams are just dreams

And reality brings more pain

Than one can ever imagine...

Sheltered all my life

I thought it would all be easy

After all, up until then, life was a breeze...

Imagine my surprise

When the life I knew was suddenly interrupted

By people who thought they knew better...

Not only was there pain but shame as well

The crowd that used to surround us

Slowly dissipated into thin air...

Thank God for family and TRUE friends

It took one misfortune to unmask these faces

I wouldn't have survived without them...

Then you get to realize that

There is no such thing as an easy life

Everyone has an ordeal to tell...

Mine is a story of LOST love, life and hope

Until I decided to take the reins again

And stand up on my own...

Mine is a story of independence and liberation

Not of war but of love for life

A quest for deeper meaning of my existence...

You see, seven years ago

I would have perished with James

And my three kids would have been orphaned...

But no, God had other plans

These kids are my mission

They are meant for greater things...

And I am here to guide and lead them

To the paths that the good Lord

Has paved for them...

God has been good to us

And I feel blessed to have everything we need

Enough lessons to teach us gratitude...

Now whenever I hear my kids say "thank you"

For every little nice thing done to them

I thank God for life lessons that were not wasted...

(Re-posted from A Birthday Reflection)

© Bing Yap [PinkLady] 2012

All Rights Reserved

Linked to The Poetry Pantry #120 
and dVerse Poets Pub Poetics: It's About Time

The 6th Year

i leave all pain and tears behind

as i walk towards the rising sun

confidently i take my stride

knowing all is well and fine

lessons learned by heart

regrets, i have none

expect, i'd rather not

with acceptance i shall

embrace life as it is

i am stronger...

i am better...

i am me...

© Bing (PinkLady) 2011
Posted for Poetry Potluck: Rules, Regulations and Laws...

Yesterday marked the 6th year anniversary of James' disappearance. My children and I honored him through a Catholic mass offered in his memory. For the first time since 2005, I did not go through any melancholic episode. Instead, my heart was filled with gratitude for having been part of James' short-lived existence and for my own resilience. I felt the blessedness of life itself as my 3 kids wrapped their arms around me. Tears rolled down my face not because I felt sorry for myself but because I was truly THANKFUL for the way things turned out.

If you have lived, take thankfully the past.

~John Dryden

 

It has been a long blogging hiatus for me here and  I was pleasantly surprised to read:

Review Tuesdays - OF LIVING AND LOVING

which was  written by esteemed poet Someone is Special at Jingle Poetry. SiS, your kind words really touched my heart and I thank you for that.  In reply to your article, let me quote an old comment I posted here also in reply to a fellow blogger's encouraging words, to  wit:

"I started this blog with the hope of inspiring others and helping them deal with the overwhelming aftermath of a sudden loss or tragedy in the family. I love to write. I went through my grief process by writing in my journal every single emotion that I felt and every single milestone in my journey towards healing. I didn't get here easily, you know. Believe me, I had all kinds of criticisms for staying so long in my grief. But taking my time to heal was all worth it. Grief is a normal and natural response to any loss. Have no fear and let it run free. It is OK not to feel OK. Express it and then release it.

I created this blog to share the light I have seen at the end of the tunnel with everyone who is in the same journey. The comments I have received from all of you validated that I have somehow achieved my purpose."

SiS, although I would have easily chosen pink as my background color because of my pseudonym, I instead opted for red as I felt that, at this stage of my life, this color defines me more now - i.e., intense, fearless, enthusiastic and passionate about life.

I was an accidental, albeit reluctant, poet, mind you. Ji (Jingle, as she is commonly known) was the one  who prodded me to take poetry seriously and join her Thursday Poets' Rally.  For that, I am most grateful to her. . 

I would  also like to thank everyone in Jingle's community who voted for me for The Celebrate Poet of 2010 Award.

Image courtesy: Link