“We can never turn back the pages of time, though we may wish to relive a happy moment, or say goodbye just one last time, we never can, because the sands of time continue to fall, and we can’t turn the hourglass over.”
“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.”
~Herman Hesse
You Are Stronger Than You Think
"You are stronger than you think, remember to stand tall.
Every challenge in your life helps you to grow.
Every problem you encounter strengthens your mind and your soul.
Every trouble you overcome increases your understanding of life.
When all your troubles weigh heavily on your shoulders, remember that beneath the burden you can stand tall, because you are never given more than you can handle... and you are stronger than you think."
After the traditional visit at the cemetery on the 1st of November, my children and I proceeded to Sta. Ana Wharf. It was too late to get a small boat to take us out to sea. The waves were too strong.
As we walked to the shore, the sound of the waves filled the air of silence between us. Raging waters threatened to drench our feet but we were unmindful. We were there for a reason.
Each whispering a prayer for James, my children and I took turns throwing flowers and loose petals into the sea. We had a bag full of them, you see.
The wind roared loudly... The sky turned gloomy… The waves raged to shore… Perhaps heaven heard us.
Time may have eased the pain and helped us mend the broken pieces of our fragile lives but… We still cope with grief one day at a time until now… even after almost 9 long years.
A few months ago, my children's "yaya" (babysitter) of 17 years decided to move back with her family and start taking care of her own grandchildren. She came to us when my second child was only an infant. I would not have managed to cope when we lost James had it not been for yaya's strong and reassuring presence at home. She took on the role of "mom" to my kids while I went out to search for our missing family member and worked to bring home the bacon, so to speak.
Our beloved yaya Merlene stayed with us for 17 years.
It has been a totally different life since then. A new journey for me and my kids... a grand time at reviving and redecorating our home... Oh... and I'm cooking again.
My kids... how they have grown!!!
Believe me, it's a whole new adventure for me... Real motherhood at its best!
"Undas" is traditionally celebrated in the Philippines every 1st (All Saints' Day) and 2nd (All Souls' Day) days of November. It is that time of the year when most Filipinos congregate at the cemeteries to honor their departed loved ones by visiting the graves of deceased relatives, offering prayers and colorful bouquets, lighting candles and incense (for the Filipino-Chinese).
Often, the occasion becomes a reunion of sorts where a banquet is shared around the graves and children have fun making wax balls out of melted candles. Both days are official state-recognized holidays in the country.
"Each Tuesday post a picture which is completely crazy, messed up, with nothing on etc, which normally you would immediately delete. It can be everything, like only shoes instead of the whole person, a blurred building or whatever you want. Then tell us the little story how it happened and what it should have been..."
The Zipline Experience
This was taken more than a year ago with the use of a digital camera. Two important men in my life- bonding together for the first time. I was so excited to capture the moment that I didn't care if they looked like flying ants in the photo. Lol!
My Dad's stroke in 2007 left him half-paralyzed and it was really a miracle how he got to talk and walk again although with some difficulty. He still refuses to use a wheelchair until now.
He looked frail yesterday when my kids and I went to visit him and my Mom for our Father's Day celebration. He was doing his usual walking exercises when we got there but as soon as he sat down to talk to me, that's when I noticed the unsightly edema on his lower right leg. He said it felt heavy but managed to give me a warm smile as if assuring me that it was going to be alright. He said he has meds to take care of the excess water in his body. He admitted that his creatinine is still high but, as if it would make any difference at all, he reassured me that it is much lower than before.
That's when he turned the tables on me. At first, he asked about the condition of his friend's daughter (who happens to be my friend) who is presently in the ICU recuperating from a stroke and a major brain surgery. Then he went in for the kill... Have I checked my cholesterol and sugar levels lately? Did I get that complete blood work-up already? Did I go back for the ECG? Do I monitor my blood pressure? Blah... blah... blah... Of course, all my answers were in the negative. What followed was a long litany of why I should take care of myself. Hesitantly, I ended up promising him I will get all those tests soon and inform him of the results.
Sometimes he forgets that his daughter is over 40 now. Much to my amusement, he occasionally gets into this kind of mood and talks to me like he's talking to one of his grandchildren. Honestly, I do love these small talks with him. We don't get to do this often anymore because he gets tired easily now.
I really miss those times when we could talk for hours over a bottle of brandy or a few rounds of beers. I remember it clearly-- I would get us our glasses, open a bottle, start a boring conversation about politics and keep him company as he gets busy preparing our dinner (you see, cooking was his passion)... and he would know I needed someone to talk to.
There was so much laughter back then. And so much tears (over broken friendships and relationships). My siblings and I felt that we could tell him anything. The Christmas and the New Year celebrations with my mom, brother and sister were the best as we would all stay awake drinking (except my Mom), laughing, sharing some little wisdom and teasing each other and, not surprisingly, debating UNTIL SUNRISE! Simply the best drinking buddies you could ever find! Now that li'l bro and li'l sis are miles away from us, I'm sure that our family bonding time in the past is what they miss most too.
MY LITTLE GIRL
By Tim McGraw
Gotta hold on easy as I let you go
Gonna tell you how much I love you
Though you think you already know
I remember I thought you looked like an angel
Wrapped in pink so soft and warm
You've had me wrapped around your finger
Since the day you were born
You beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road
That'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this old world
But to me you know you will always be
My little girl
When you were in trouble that crooked little smile
Would melt my heart of stone
Now look at you I've turned around
And you've almost grown
Sometimes you're asleep I whisper "I love you"
In the moonlight at your door
As I walk away I hear you say
"Daddy, love you more"
You beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road
That'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this old world
But to me you know you will always be
My little girl
Someday, some boy will come
And ask me for your hand
But I won't say yes to him unless I know
He's the half that makes you whole
He has a poet's soul, and the heart of a man's man
I know he'll say that he's in love
But between you and me
He won't be good enough
You beautiful baby from the outside in
Chase your dreams but always know the road
That'll lead you home again
Go on, take on this old world
But to me you know you will always be
My little girl
Photo: My niece and brother-in-law spending quiet time together at a Florida beach... a big thanks to my li'l sis Lourdes for allowing me to use this beautiful photo.
Though I have been tossed and turned in life's storms I will surely see a brighter dawn I'm no longer held back by my fears I'm finally... Moving On ~Moving On by Alan Murray~
Much as I have moved on, I can't help but look back at where I have been.
That was a life of abundance... yet I wasn't happy. Lots of people surrounded me... yet there was not one I could truly identify as a real friend. I had everything yet I was empty.
And then tragedy struck. The abundance turned to scarcity. The people who offered sympathies and their shoulders to cry on even when I thought I didn't need them suddenly made me realize what real friendship meant. I lost everything yet I found all the reasons to be grateful. It started with the little gestures of kindness shown to us.
Funny but the people you expected the most to be there for you because you thought they shared the same grief were the same people who waited for you to give up, stumble and make a fool of yourself.
Funny that they cared more about their social standing and what other people would say rather than on how badly we were hurting. Funny that after FIVE long years, these are the same people who say it's still too soon for me to move on. Funny that, on my journey to NOW, they never even had the temerity back then to call and ask how the kids and I were coping. Funny that they were ready to believe the worst of us back then and until now. Funny how they sneak into my (as well as my kids') private albums just to find evidence on how crazy and frivolous I have led (and continue to lead) my life. Funny that they can't hide their disappointment as my kids and I soar high on our own.
And the people you didn't expect to be there for you were the ones who were ready to offer their lives to prove the others wrong. These were the same people who offered me strength when I had none left and was so weak to fight back. These were the people who didn't back off from shouting to the whole world that I am their friend. These are the people who do not hesitate to say or leave messages of "I am so happy for you" after seeing me finally smile from the heart again.
On Monday (January 25, 2010), it will be five years since we lost James. Five long years. And I have come a long way. As the header of my blog says, I have found myself again and built a new life.
The journey continues. Not just mine but my kids' as well. It has been a bumpy road for all of us but it made us realize how wonderful life is. These kids have learned to accept that everything happens for a reason. Each person that comes to our lives has a lesson to teach us. We greet each day with eyes and minds wide open so as not to miss anything. We have embraced life itself.
So on Monday, we are going to remember James' passing with a mass and a simple dinner. We will offer prayers, perhaps reminisce and share some memories about the past. But we know that we're no longer going back to that dark period in our lives. We will keep the sun shining on us.
"Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength." ~Sigmund Freud~
A black butterfly flutters around me as I write this post. I feel a presence... a haunting presence. But it does not hurt anymore. I can only look back with a smile. It was a life well lived, albeit shortly shared. It deserves a celebration, not an extended lamentation.
The sound of my children's laughter echoes in my ears. They are back from island hopping with their cousins. I hope they will never forget the man whose shortly lived existence showed them what unconditional love really meant... the man whose unabashed display of childish banters made them giggle to tears.
As we take this weekend break with family (James' brothers and their own families), there is no more "what if Dad was here with us?" We no longer feel guilty enjoying life's and nature's bountiful blessings without him.
But as my youngest daughter sees the butterfly, she matter-of-factly states what she thought is obvious: "Dad is here with us." Her face brightens up with the sweetest smile I have ever seen... then she leaves me again to join her siblings and cousins.
Now whenever they look at his photo, they see the smile that used to define his face. In their hearts, the word "Dad" has taken a new form ~~ an angel watching over them every step of the way.
My children have finally moved on.
Weekend in Paradise...
the Parola Wharf/Bar where guests are welcomed upon arrival and the resort's infinity pool
The Mandaya Houses are laid out on their own beach front, setting it on a different pace from the rest of the main island.
On January 25, 2005, I lost my husband. Welcome to my random thoughts about losing James and finding myself again. For in this journey called Life, "there is no such thing as a negative experience... only opportunities to grow."
Friday Writings #165: Torch
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Hello, Word Artists and Admirers! Perhaps because it's been so cold here in
northeastern USA, I've been thinking longingly about warm things. My still ...
February Light
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Two months from the lamplit darkness that was December,
wrapped in a delicious affair with books, and poetry,
when I lamented the stubborn snow's refusal,...
Poetry Form: English Madrigal
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Hello everyone! I am excited to share this new poetry form. The English
Madrigal is one of many varieties of …
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Light
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*~ Celebrate Light ~*
source
I must have been 2 or 3 years old when I started playing with light and
dark. Light from campfires at night was my favor...
Wordless Wednesday
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WW is a simple blog post featuring a photo which conveys a message that
speaks for itself without using words. For all the rule breakers, of which
I am one...
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you decide to see beyond the imperfections.
"Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward to the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage and confidence." ~ Og Mandino
If I could wish for my life to be perfect, it would be tempting, but I would have to decline, for life would no longer teach me anything.
"For I know the
plans I have for
you," declares
the Lord, "plans
to prosper you
and not to harm
you, plans to give
you hope and a
future."
Jeremiah 29:11-14
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watching over them every step of the way.
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