In The Deep Recesses Of My Heart... Five Years Later

Though I have been tossed and turned in life's storms
I will surely see a brighter dawn
I'm no longer held back by my fears
I'm finally... Moving On
~Moving On by Alan Murray~

Much as I have moved on, I can't help but look back at where I have been.

That was a life of abundance... yet I wasn't happy. Lots of people surrounded me... yet there was not one I could truly identify as a real friend. I had everything yet I was empty.

And then tragedy struck. The abundance turned to scarcity. The people who offered sympathies and their shoulders to cry on even when I thought I didn't need them suddenly made me realize what real friendship meant. I lost everything yet I found all the reasons to be grateful. It started with the little gestures of kindness shown to us.

Funny but the people you expected the most to be there for you because you thought they shared the same grief were the same people who waited for you to give up, stumble and make a fool of yourself.

Funny that they cared more about their social standing and what other people would say rather than on how badly we were hurting. Funny that after FIVE long years, these are the same people who say it's still too soon for me to move on. Funny that, on my journey to NOW, they never even had the temerity back then to call and ask how the kids and I were coping. Funny that they were ready to believe the worst of us back then and until now. Funny how they sneak into my (as well as my kids') private albums just to find evidence on how crazy and frivolous I have led (and continue to lead) my life. Funny that they can't hide their disappointment as my kids and I soar high on our own.

And the people you didn't expect to be there for you were the ones who were ready to offer their lives to prove the others wrong. These were the same people who offered me strength when I had none left and was so weak to fight back. These were the people who didn't back off from shouting to the whole world that I am their friend. These are the people who do not hesitate to say or leave messages of "I am so happy for you" after seeing me finally smile from the heart again.

On Monday (January 25, 2010), it will be five years since we lost James. Five long years. And I have come a long way. As the header of my blog says, I have found myself again and built a new life.

The journey continues. Not just mine but my kids' as well. It has been a bumpy road for all of us but it made us realize how wonderful life is. These kids have learned to accept that everything happens for a reason. Each person that comes to our lives has a lesson to teach us. We greet each day with eyes and minds wide open so as not to miss anything. We have embraced life itself.

So on Monday, we are going to remember James' passing with a mass and a simple dinner. We will offer prayers, perhaps reminisce and share some memories about the past. But we know that we're no longer going back to that dark period in our lives. We will keep the sun shining on us.