20 Years Today

20 years!!! That's how long it has been since you walked out our door, kissed me goodbye, and promised to see me later. You never did. 

That night 20 years ago, you went out with Philip Lam and his friend, Dr. Farouk Lu, for what was supposed to be an ordinary boys' night out. It should have been nothing more than laughter, stories, camaraderie. But none of you came back.

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For years, the details of that night were shrouded in mystery, whispers and silence. Then, piece by piece, the truth began to emerge. According to accounts, Philip Lam was targeted because of a business rivalry- nothing more than a general merchandise store, NOT DRUGS OR CRIME. You and Dr. Lu were nothing more than "collateral damage." The lives of good, innocent men reduced to a cold, heartless term.

How can someone's life, someone's love, be reduced to two cold, empty words? How can anyone justify taking three lives as if they were nothing, as if their laughter, their dreams, their families didn't matter?

I remember pleading for James' life, begging for his safe return. In my desperation, I made a promise to stay silent if only they would let him come back to us alive. But silence didn't save him. It didn't save any of them. And here I am, two decades later, still waiting for the truth, for answers, for justice. 

They tell you time heals all wounds, BUT THAT'S A LIE! Time doesn't heal wounds like this. Time only deepens the ache of knowing that those responsible walk free, that promises of justice remain empty, that the world continues to turn as if their lives didn't matter. But they mattered. JAMES MATTERED.

It doesn't dull the ache of an empty chair at the dinner table. It doesn't soften the weight of unanswered questions or the LONGING OF ONE MORE EMBRACE, ONE MORE SMILE, ONE MORE MOMENT. Time doesn't heal when justice is denied. 

For 20 years, I've been WAITING. WATCHING. HOPING. Everyday, I've held onto the belief that someday, the truth would fully emerge, that someone, somewhere, would care enough to bring justice for James, Philip and Dr. Farouk. The prescription period may have passed, but God's promise to me has not.

I have not forgotten. I can't forget. And I won't stop telling this story because their lives deserve more than silence.

James was not just collateral damage. He was my first love and childhood sweetheart for 11 years, my husband for another 11 years, and the father of my three children. He was kind, generous to a fault, and full of life. In fact, that year in 2005, we planned a grand celebration - for the first time in his life- of a birthday party in September - his 40th. But alas, we lost him in January. 

To those who think time erases accountability, I want you to know: JUSTICE HAS NO EXPIRATION IN THE HEARTS OF THOSE WHO LOVE. I will keep remembering. I will keep speaking his name - JAMES LAO YAP - until the world recognizes and remembers what was taken from us. 

A pocketful of sunshine and 

Red Roses For Dad

 

Bright blooms of crimson, petals wide,

A memory of love, my heart’s soft guide.

They speak of warmth, of joy, of grace,

Of moments shared, your smiling face.

Oh, red roses, so vivid, so true,

Each petal whispers, “I remember you.”

Your favorite flower, a beacon of cheer,

Now carries my love when I draw near.

At your resting place, I gently lay,

A bouquet of roses to brighten the day.

They stand like sentinels, strong and proud,

A tribute of love beneath the cloud.

Though you’re gone, your spirit remains,

In laughter, in lessons, in life’s refrains.

The roses I bring are more than they seem—

They’re pieces of love, woven with dreams.

Poetry prompt:

Say It With Flowers at "What's Going On?"

A pocketful of sunshine and 

The Waiting Grief

 

Image credit: sun_art

The truth may take time, but it will eventually come, as long as you keep your heart open to it.

There is a grief that never quiets,

not with time, not with tears.

It sits like stone within the heart,

waiting patiently for years.

A life left empty, words unspoken,

truths that hide behind the dark.

I carry memories, frayed and broken,

and bear this hollow, aching mark.

They call it “moving on”—but I remain

rooted in moments left unclear.

Though I’ve forgiven, though I’ve grown,

the echo of injustice lingers here.

I wait for answers, watch and listen,

as shadows shift, as truths arise.

For what goes around returns again,

and all that’s hidden meets the light.

There’s no revenge in this quiet strength,

no joy in watching others fall.

Only a hope that peace will come,

and lay its hands upon us all.

A pocketful of sunshine and 

Hope's Anchor

 

In the tempest’s roar, where shadows play,

Hope stands firm, a guiding ray.

Through darkest nights and endless seas,

It whispers softly, “You will find peace.”

With every wave that crashes near,

Hope holds the soul, calms the fear.

A steadfast light, it breaks the gloom,

Promising joy will always bloom.

When storms arise and hearts feel torn,

Remember, from night, a new day is born.

So cast your anchor, let faith unfurl,

For hope is the anchor that steadies our world.

A pocketful of sunshine and 

Remembering James… 9 Years Later...

JAMES LAO YAP (JIMMY)

September 11, 1965 - January 25, 2005

I can’t believe how fast time flies. Today, we commemorate the 9th year of our loss. It all seems like yesterday- the panic, the frantic search, the grief, the anger and bitterness, the confusion, that excruciating inner pain… They are still clear in my mind. 

9 years ago, our world was covered in darkness. A dark nebula hovered above us- day by day, week by week, month by month that turned into years. 

But we (my kids and I) refused to live in murky existence. One day at a time, we took baby steps towards finding the Light again. We resolved that our own lives were not going to end miserably. We decided that having each other was more than enough blessing to keep us going. And so, our journey towards the path of gratitude began…

Yes, it’s true. Happiness is a choice. For us, it was a decision we had to make each day of our existence until such time that it became a habit. The last 9 years have opened our eyes even to the smallest manna from heaven. In everything, we learned to give thanks. Because now we know, everything that happens- whether good or bad- HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

December 2013

Back in 2007

A pocketful of sunshine and