20 Years Today

20 years!!! That's how long it has been since you walked out our door, kissed me goodbye, and promised to see me later. You never did. 

That night 20 years ago, you went out with Philip Lam and his friend, Dr. Farouk Lu, for what was supposed to be an ordinary boys' night out. It should have been nothing more than laughter, stories, camaraderie. But none of you came back.

---------------

For years, the details of that night were shrouded in mystery, whispers and silence. Then, piece by piece, the truth began to emerge. According to accounts, Philip Lam was targeted because of a business rivalry- nothing more than a general merchandise store, NOT DRUGS OR CRIME. You and Dr. Lu were nothing more than "collateral damage." The lives of good, innocent men reduced to a cold, heartless term.

How can someone's life, someone's love, be reduced to two cold, empty words? How can anyone justify taking three lives as if they were nothing, as if their laughter, their dreams, their families didn't matter?

I remember pleading for James' life, begging for his safe return. In my desperation, I made a promise to stay silent if only they would let him come back to us alive. But silence didn't save him. It didn't save any of them. And here I am, two decades later, still waiting for the truth, for answers, for justice. 

They tell you time heals all wounds, BUT THAT'S A LIE! Time doesn't heal wounds like this. Time only deepens the ache of knowing that those responsible walk free, that promises of justice remain empty, that the world continues to turn as if their lives didn't matter. But they mattered. JAMES MATTERED.

It doesn't dull the ache of an empty chair at the dinner table. It doesn't soften the weight of unanswered questions or the LONGING OF ONE MORE EMBRACE, ONE MORE SMILE, ONE MORE MOMENT. Time doesn't heal when justice is denied. 

For 20 years, I've been WAITING. WATCHING. HOPING. Everyday, I've held onto the belief that someday, the truth would fully emerge, that someone, somewhere, would care enough to bring justice for James, Philip and Dr. Farouk. The prescription period may have passed, but God's promise to me has not.

I have not forgotten. I can't forget. And I won't stop telling this story because their lives deserve more than silence.

James was not just collateral damage. He was my first love and childhood sweetheart for 11 years, my husband for another 11 years, and the father of my three children. He was kind, generous to a fault, and full of life. In fact, that year in 2005, we planned a grand celebration - for the first time in his life- of a birthday party in September - his 40th. But alas, we lost him in January. 

To those who think time erases accountability, I want you to know: JUSTICE HAS NO EXPIRATION IN THE HEARTS OF THOSE WHO LOVE. I will keep remembering. I will keep speaking his name - JAMES LAO YAP - until the world recognizes and remembers what was taken from us. 

A pocketful of sunshine and 

The Waiting Grief

 

Image credit: sun_art

The truth may take time, but it will eventually come, as long as you keep your heart open to it.

There is a grief that never quiets,

not with time, not with tears.

It sits like stone within the heart,

waiting patiently for years.

A life left empty, words unspoken,

truths that hide behind the dark.

I carry memories, frayed and broken,

and bear this hollow, aching mark.

They call it “moving on”—but I remain

rooted in moments left unclear.

Though I’ve forgiven, though I’ve grown,

the echo of injustice lingers here.

I wait for answers, watch and listen,

as shadows shift, as truths arise.

For what goes around returns again,

and all that’s hidden meets the light.

There’s no revenge in this quiet strength,

no joy in watching others fall.

Only a hope that peace will come,

and lay its hands upon us all.

A pocketful of sunshine and 

Of Loss and Regrets… and Getting Through...

“I do not know anymore…” 

This was not a line from Janet Napoles during the Senate Hearing for PDAF Scam but from a colleague/very close friend of mine who is grieving the sudden and unexpected loss of his wife. 42 years of marriage and suddenly he is alone. 

“I should have been kinder…” 

“I should have treated her better…” 

But then, looking back now I cannot imagine what “kinder” and “better” could he have done considering that he was such a kind, devoted, loving companion to his then-frail wife.

Of course, I know where he’s coming from. There will always be regrets. There will always be words that were left unsaid and intentions that were left undone. We can never have enough time to show enough love. 

How do you make the most of your time with your loved ones? How do you make each moment count? I wish I have the answers for him. But after 9 years of coping with my own loss, the same “regrets” still haunt me… 

“I should have…” 

“I could have…”

“Why didn’t I…???"

As I have painfully learned in my own journey, one never gets over grief. You just learn to get through it…

A pocketful of sunshine and 

Image credit: www.memorialize.com

Happy Birthday James

James Yap, September 11, 1965- January 2005

James, your light shines on through our three children. 
They are my greatest treasure. 
Thank you so much for everything!

Had James been alive, he would have turned 45 today. We may have moved on but we have not forgotten. He will always be in our hearts. And we will forever be grateful for all the memories he left behind.

Who Created The Monsters?

"Thank you Lord for not allowing Mommy to go out with Daddy that evening... Thank you for letting her stay with us..." This was my youngest daughter's prayer over supper one evening. If I went out with James on the night of January 24, 2005 (like the way I used to), these 3 kids would have awakened the next day as orphans. My heart breaks every time I think of it. I guess it was not my time yet. Or maybe I just got lucky.

But not everyone is as lucky...

The children of Eduardo and Cecille Lechonsito were suddenly orphaned when their parents met their untimely death on November 23, 2009. While on their way to Cotabato City for a medical check up and ct scan (Eduardo suffered a mild stroke that day), their car was waylaid and led to the killing fields by the private militia (over 100 gunmen) of a Maguindanao Mayor.

They are not the only ones who perished in what is now tagged as Maguindanao Massacre.

A prominent political family in the South easily lost over a dozen of their members, all women, who were tasked to file the certificate of candidacy (for a gubernatorial position) of Esmael "Toto" Mangudadatu. Together with Mangudadatu's wife, sisters (the youngest sister was 4 months pregnant!) and other relatives, 34 media practitioners likewise perished in "the single deadliest event for journalists in history."

Sadly, two lady lawyers, acting as legal counsel for the Mangudadatus , were also among those slain in the infamous massacre.

Ironically, Eduardo and Cecille Lechonsito were not even part of the Mangudadatu's convoy. These ordinary government employees were simply at the wrong place at the wrong time.

To date, 57 bodies (22 were women) have been recovered from the shallow graves that were dug by a backhoe which belonged to the Maguindanao provincial government. In an attempt to hide the gruesome murders, the victims' cars were also buried with them.

The manner by which the women victims were tortured, mutilated and killed (possibly raped too!) was truly unspeakable. The devil himself would have cringed at the thought.

The suspect? Scion of a political warlord in Maguindanao. The motive? Political rivalry and vendetta.

Thus ends the saga of the most feared and most powerful political clan in the southern part of the country. The entire nation watched (with great relief!!! ) as their downfall slowly unfolded.

This may be the worst election-related violence in the country but this is not the first time that the people here have heard of such atrocities. Goons, guns and gold seem to get so fast into the head of every aspiring political warlord. No matter how clean and sincere a man's intentions were at the start of his political career, the "power" eventually transforms him into a monster one way or the other. There are some exceptions, of course, and kudos to them who sincerely, incessantly and tirelessly work to make this country (and world) a better place to live in.

In most cases though, power is taken to mean as a carte blanche to take the law into one's hands. The Maguindanao massacre was carried out in broad daylight. It is quite scary to think that these people were so confident in committing mass murder with impunity thinking that they could get away with it. [Actually, they almost did if not for the timely (and unwelcome) appearance of the search team on board a chopper.]

As I said, this is not the only crime of this kind. A few months ago, a mass grave was also discovered in this city. After a controversy-ridden investigation and "technical-legal difficulties," everyone seemed to have forgotten about it already. Everyone moved on since then. The perpetrators conveniently hid under the cloak of the law which they themselves trampled on. But what about those people whose bones remained buried there?

And so it remained that way... unsolved! Sadly charged to experience.

For all of the Maguindanao massacre's victims' families, take comfort that the sacrifice of lives has finally unraveled and unmasked the monsters that lurked in the province of Maguindanao. They did not die in vain.

For those whose atrocities and complicities have not yet been disclosed, divine justice will eventually catch up with you. The truth will emerge and justice will take its full course... Somehow... Someday...

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly." -Martin Luther King, Jr.-

"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." -Albert Einstein-

It's Not Your Fault...

Her letter read: "I'm sorry... I just can't take it anymore..."

And just like that, she took her life. Her pain may have ended. Her sleepless nights may have also ended. But then, her bereaved children's nightmare has just begun.

"Why?" Her children asked. For them, this was their mother-- a strong-willed woman who showed no trace of weakness at all in her entire life. A survivor. A real fighter. A winner. She was always in control... even of their lives. She had everything that money could buy. They all thought that she could handle everything. Now they are haunted by "why's" and have no way of knowing what went on in her mind.

Coping with death in the family is one of life's most challenging trials. But when a loved one commits suicide, the family does not only experience profound grief because of the sudden loss but the overwhelming feelings of incomprehension, blame and anger are added to their suffering.

It does not end there though. They then start to feel isolated and judged by their friends and colleagues. The stigma, whether imagined or not, may cause them to withdraw in order to protect themselves from intrusive and difficult questions as well as disparaging remarks.

Right now, I wish I have the right words to comfort my friend who lost her mother. I know that she has not told her son the truth about his grandmother's death. She wanted him to remember his grandmother as the exuberant, positive person that she was.

My friend, at this point in time, there is no right or wrong and there are no rules in dealing and coping with your grief. Let me assure you though that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Whatever drove your mother to commit suicide, you had nothing to do with it. I can feel your pain and confusion. I can feel your anger. You are entitled to feel that way. After all, this tragedy has thrown all your emotions into turmoil.

No, you couldn't have prevented it. A person who is determined to commit suicide is likely to accomplish it. Perhaps what is best now is to learn how to accept this. She is gone so she can't be helped anymore. But you... you have to get on with your life. For your family's sake. For your own sake.

When you are ready to talk about it, you know that I am here for you.

A Season's End

"There are times where you or that person has changed

to the extent that it's necessary to let go of the friendship,
so that each of you can fulfill your life path."

People in our lives come and go. There are good reasons why some friends, with whom we shared a substantial part of our being, are no longer in our lives now. We must learn to accept that much of living is all about moving on.

When you have formed an attachment to people, it is quite painful to realize that it is time to let go. This poem, which I first came across in an email, explains why there are those who get to stay in our lives and why some people don't.

Reason, Season or a Lifetime

When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person...

When someone is in your life for a REASON. . .
It is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are!
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part,
or at an inconvenient time, this person will say
or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered.
And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON....
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons:
things you must build upon in order to have
a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but
friendship is clairvoyant.

How much of this poem, can you relate to?

On my part, a season has just ended. I am letting go and moving on. Thank you for everything.






Blessings to all,

The Road to Recovery

"In the end, we stop asking why something has happened... but start asking how we will respond. What we intend to do now that it has happened."
- When Bad Things Happen To Good People by Harold Kushner -

For 11 years, I expected that I would be growing old with James. I was contented with the thought of a shared life together and a shared future. All of that suddenly changed one morning. Everything had been spoiled.

Whether I liked it or not, a core of my old identity was lost. Fortunately, I was left with something else: a chance to grow. My favorite line then every time someone asked how I was coping was: "Don't worry, I'm sure I will survive." Along the way, I learned that growing and thriving are more than just surviving.

In a sense, each loss is a pregnant pause in the process of personal growth. Just as time provides a resource, loss also presents a window of opportunity. Believe me, it was not easy for me to clear off that window and peer through the haze. What proved to be the ultimate challenge was to pass courageously through the familiar framework and into the unknown. But I knew I had to do it because it was the only way I could discover a path to recovery... a passage forward into life.

After overcoming denial, anger and active grieving, I jumped right into action and accepted all invitations and nominations for positions in various civic groups and foundations that I was a member of. I was president of this, vice president of that and a director of whatever. I led a committee for a convention which proved to be the most arduous and controversial task. The busier I got, the better. People talked, I didn't care.

Change was the challenge ahead. I restored my vitality with the thrill of doing things alone for the first time. A new intact identity gradually emerged- someone who was stronger, wiser and perhaps even nicer than the one I reluctantly left behind.

Moreover, I began to sleep better, think clearer, cry less and smile more. I gained greater control of my emotions and was not easily overwhelmed by them anymore. I became less obsessed with my loss and could talk about it more easily (as I am doing now). I felt freer to choose when and how to grieve and to bounce back. I became less preoccupied with myself and more patient with everyone, including myself.

The waves of pain no longer come as often as before and they don't knock me over easily anymore. I think less of the past and find myself reaching forward to the future less fearfully.

And as I drink in the cup of healing, let me take this opportunity to give a toast of thanks to those who helped me along the way.



Blessings to all,

The Blame Game

The first day James went missing, I tried to put up a brave face and spent the entire day (and night) going to places that he normally went to. It helped that I was in the company of friends who were as frantic as I was- the wife of one of the three missing men and a good friend of our husbands. We went around the city having no idea at all where to start looking. We even went to hospitals and funeral parlors.

By midday, we finally found the car that the three used the night prior. It was parked outside a popular KTV bar in the city. But there was no trace of the three missing men. It provided some sort of relief for us... at least we knew where to begin our own investigation.

We were at the KTV bar again as soon as it opened that evening. There must have been 10 of us there, all wanting to find bits and pieces of information that we could get from the waiters and the guest relations officers (GRO's). But everyone was unanimous in saying that they have not seen any of the three men recently.

A dead end. The first of many.

As we got busy with the search, some people also got busy putting the blame on someone... on anybody, in fact. Perhaps that made it easier for them to accept what was happening.

Too many questions that had to be answered while I was drowning in my sorrow. Too many accusations that were uncalled for. "Why didn't you stop him from leaving that evening?" I wish I could... I wish I did... "Why did you allow him to continue his friendship with a man suspected of having a shady background?" I wish you heard all the conversations James and I had over this. "Why couldn't you stop your husband from going out with his friends? Why couldn't you control him?" Like James didn't have his own mind at 39!

And so on and so forth... One even had the temerity to blame James on my face. Some people could really be so inconsiderate and insensitive.

If I had all the answers, would it bring him back? I guess not.

When things like this happen, why is it necessary to put the blame on someone? Why are so many people quick to judge, criticize and blame the wife... as if she wanted this to happen. They tend to forget that this woman is now forced to pick up the pieces of her life destroyed by circumstances over which she had no control of. The way she grieves her loss as well as the way she raises her children are put under close scrutiny.

But then, she too has to move on and it's nobody's business how she chooses to reclaim her life.

At times like this, when you have nothing good to say, then you'd better NOT say anything at all.

Learning To Cope

When someone dies suddenly, it is not unusual to have a sense that one was rejected or abandoned in some way. When you are feeling the searing pain and anger of abandonment, it is even more difficult to consider that your pain may be transformed into something meaningful or that the end of the relationship through death can be in any way beneficial to your own growth. Especially if you were dependent on the other person for good feelings about yourself.

Indeed, when we are engulfed in dark times, we often focus heavily on our loss and what isn't going right.

So how should one go through the process of grief?

There is no hard and fast rule. Perhaps it's best that you live one day at a time. No matter what your friends tell you, don't be pressured to follow a timetable in overcoming your grief. Along the way, try to find ways to ventilate all those pent-up emotions. They need to be released.

In the best-selling book Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy, author Sarah Bran Breathnach suggested that the use of a gratitude journal is "a tool that could change the quality of your life beyond belief." Each night before you go to bed, write down five things that you can be grateful about that day.

It may prove difficult at first to find anything positive when all you could see is darkness. But after some time, you need to begin looking again... no matter how simple these good things might be. You can begin by writing something as basic as "I was able to get out of bed today." What is important is the fact that you saw something positive and, by acknowledging it, you attract more positive things to your life.

Practicing breathing exercises can also help you relax and unwind your wound emotions. The following simple exercises will help calm you during trying times:

Place one hand on your abdomen. As you inhale, you want to feel the movement in your abdomen,not in your chest. Inhale for the count of 10, then exhale for the count of 10. Repeat this 10 to 15 times for deeper relaxation.

To relax your whole body, lay down in a quiet place. Breathe deeply, slowly inhaling and exhaling. Beginning with your left leg, clench your muscles as tightly as you can for the count of 3. Then relax them. Do the same to the right leg, left arm and right arm. Then move up your body tightening up your pelvis, then stomach, then chest, then shoulders, then neck and, lastly, your facial muscles. When you have completed this exercise, you should feel extremely calm and peaceful. Visualize an ocean beach or other calming scene to deepen the relaxed feelings.

"HE IS GONE!!!"

A panic attack doesn’t choose a time or place. It just happens. For over a year, I went through that.

I would wake up in the middle of the night and realize “HE IS GONE!!!” Panic would grip me...And then it would paralyze me... 1 second or 5 minutes… It didn’t really matter at all. I simply stopped functioning. It felt like I also died.

But believe me, this wasn’t just a nocturnal occurrence. Imagine it gripping at your core during the day while you are pretending to function as normally as you could in front of everybody. You give them a blank stare and they wonder if you have lost your mind.

And I shouldn’t fail to mention the flashbacks… Oh my God, they surely stopped me in my tracks. Every day I relived the experience of losing him. One moment I was doing okay, the next I was on tears. It was so hard just to get through the day. I was desperate to have my life back the way it was before.

Oh yes, I’ve seen these manifestations in the past. These were from hapless rape victims who couldn’t begin to describe the nightmares and helplessness that followed their ordeal. Psychiatrists labeled them as post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which I even used several times to prove my point in court. Some old stuff from the medical books which I could use as evidence, I should say.

But PTSD is all too real. I should have realized that sooner. Then I would have shown more compassion… perhaps more empathy towards these victims.

So if you have a friend who is going through a difficult period in his life right now, never underestimate the pain and anxieties he is experiencing. You don’t have to say a word. A touch of his hand or a hug could make a big difference. It did to me.