Flowers to Show our Love

After the traditional visit at the cemetery on the 1st of November, my children and I proceeded to Sta. Ana Wharf. It was too late to get a small boat to take us out to sea. The waves were too strong.

As we walked to the shore, the sound of the waves filled the air of silence between us. Raging waters threatened to drench our feet but we were unmindful. We were there for a reason.

Each whispering a prayer for James, my children and I took turns throwing flowers and loose petals into the sea. We had a bag full of them, you see.

The wind roared loudly... The sky turned gloomy… The waves raged to shore… Perhaps heaven heard us.

Time may have eased the pain and helped us mend the broken pieces of our fragile lives but… We still cope with grief one day at a time until now… even after almost 9 long years.

A pocketful of sunshine

and 

Image source: China Central Television

Of Time and Pain... and Gratitude (A Birthday Reflection)

I once dreamed of a sweet and gentle life

Where bliss greeted me at the door

And soft rose petals covered my bed...

But dreams are just dreams

And reality brings more pain

Than one can ever imagine...

Sheltered all my life

I thought it would all be easy

After all, up until then, life was a breeze...

Imagine my surprise

When the life I knew was suddenly interrupted

By people who thought they knew better...

Not only was there pain but shame as well

The crowd that used to surround us

Slowly dissipated into thin air...

Thank God for family and TRUE friends

It took one misfortune to unmask these faces

I wouldn't have survived without them...

Then you get to realize that

There is no such thing as an easy life

Everyone has an ordeal to tell...

Mine is a story of LOST love, life and hope

Until I decided to take the reins again

And stand up on my own...

Mine is a story of independence and liberation

Not of war but of love for life

A quest for deeper meaning of my existence...

You see, seven years ago

I would have perished with James

And my three kids would have been orphaned...

But no, God had other plans

These kids are my mission

They are meant for greater things...

And I am here to guide and lead them

To the paths that the good Lord

Has paved for them...

God has been good to us

And I feel blessed to have everything we need

Enough lessons to teach us gratitude...

Now whenever I hear my kids say "thank you"

For every little nice thing done to them

I thank God for life lessons that were not wasted...

(Re-posted from A Birthday Reflection)

© Bing Yap [PinkLady] 2012

All Rights Reserved

Linked to The Poetry Pantry #120 
and dVerse Poets Pub Poetics: It's About Time

Remembrance

a distant star glimmers

the coldness of the night

makes me shiver

i hear you whisper

i shudder at the thought

you live in my heart

you never left

that's why i still hear you

and feel your love as

cold air embraces me

every time i lay awake

anxious at uncertainties

you rush to ease my mind

if only you could 

wipe away my tears

memories of rainbows and

of echoing laughter

unfulfilled dreams and
promises lie in their wake

bittersweet remembrance of past

© Bing (PinkLady) 2011



 Thanks to Jingle for The Perfect Poet Week 41 Award

I vote for Lolamouse of Mouse Droppings for her poem "Dirty Blues"

Thanks also for these awards:

Posted for Thursday Poets Rally 41

Image credit: Link

Sunshine In Her Ravaged Soul

 

 She lay on the bed, her eyes closed as if sleeping

I didn't mean to wake her 

But when she heard my voice

She forced a smile as if to reassure me

That she was okay.

I was there to visit her

But she was first to ask how I was doing

I meant to ask but she carried on

And I ended up blabbering

About my new job and my new life.

She gave a hearty laugh at my jokes

She was her usual bubbly self

We talked about her treatment

And how she is looking forward to next month

When we need to fulfill our work commitment

She apologized that she cannot join us

You see, we have an important meeting tomorrow

I assured her that we, her friends, will take care of it

She smiled and showed contentment

Then excitedly discussed again our forthcoming assignment.

I went there with a heavy heart

Scared, knowing how cancer has ravaged her delicate body

She has fought well and is fighting still

Every time I see her she speaks with pride

About all the new medications she has tried.

It's radiation this time, she said

You see, lesions were found on her spine

She finds it funny how she always took her legs for granted

Realizing her folly only after

Her limbs went numb.

I blew her a kiss before I left  

And she blew one back at me

Upon seeing this exchange

Her mom beamed with pride

In her heart, she knows her child will be alright

I couldn't help but smile 

The visit was not what I expected it to be

She left no room for pity

She is embracing all of life

Or what remains of it

She is like the sun 

Whose rays brightly glow

Amidst the dark clouds

That try to hide its glory

Truly a sight to behold

Peace Amid The Storm

Serenity is not freedom from the storm,

but peace amid the storm.

When you close your eyes, what do you see? Is it total darkness or is it light?

Whatever it is that you see, stay in that moment... savor that "space" for awhile.

Does your mind start to race? Does panic start to grip you?

Rid your mind of thoughts and be still. [Remember this: The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it. -Eckhart Tolle]

This quiet solitude is where you commune with your inner self- a place of harmony and peace.

"It is in the stillness of your mind where you find help for your soul."

Stillness brings forth the voice from within. It is mental and silent listening. To some, it is prayer and worship. For me, it is my private conversation with God- He talks, I listen.

"If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else."



We spend too much time and effort worrying about things we have no control of in the first place. In fact, we even try to change things that we cannot change when the wiser course is just to accept the inevitable.

Like a roller coaster ride, life will take us up and down, scaring and thrilling the hell out of us. There are no brakes nor steering wheel and there is no way out. Don't you think it's best to just sit back and enjoy the experience because we won't get a second ride?

It's Not Your Fault...

Her letter read: "I'm sorry... I just can't take it anymore..."

And just like that, she took her life. Her pain may have ended. Her sleepless nights may have also ended. But then, her bereaved children's nightmare has just begun.

"Why?" Her children asked. For them, this was their mother-- a strong-willed woman who showed no trace of weakness at all in her entire life. A survivor. A real fighter. A winner. She was always in control... even of their lives. She had everything that money could buy. They all thought that she could handle everything. Now they are haunted by "why's" and have no way of knowing what went on in her mind.

Coping with death in the family is one of life's most challenging trials. But when a loved one commits suicide, the family does not only experience profound grief because of the sudden loss but the overwhelming feelings of incomprehension, blame and anger are added to their suffering.

It does not end there though. They then start to feel isolated and judged by their friends and colleagues. The stigma, whether imagined or not, may cause them to withdraw in order to protect themselves from intrusive and difficult questions as well as disparaging remarks.

Right now, I wish I have the right words to comfort my friend who lost her mother. I know that she has not told her son the truth about his grandmother's death. She wanted him to remember his grandmother as the exuberant, positive person that she was.

My friend, at this point in time, there is no right or wrong and there are no rules in dealing and coping with your grief. Let me assure you though that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Whatever drove your mother to commit suicide, you had nothing to do with it. I can feel your pain and confusion. I can feel your anger. You are entitled to feel that way. After all, this tragedy has thrown all your emotions into turmoil.

No, you couldn't have prevented it. A person who is determined to commit suicide is likely to accomplish it. Perhaps what is best now is to learn how to accept this. She is gone so she can't be helped anymore. But you... you have to get on with your life. For your family's sake. For your own sake.

When you are ready to talk about it, you know that I am here for you.

Ranting For The Last Time

After blaming my laptop ("Windows problem" they said) and two reformats later (to no avail), SmartBro has finally admitted an equipment problem on their part, whatever that means. FINALLY, they are sending their technical people to my house tomorrow to look into whatever re-configuration that needs to be done. After almost 30 days of malfunction, we MIGHT be able to FINALLY figure out why- why oh why!!!- my laptop works in all internet stations and cafes except in my own house. A week ago, we brought my unit to a friend's house which is being served by the same provider (SmartBro broadband) and - wow!- it worked there.

My no-show in this blog has caused its page rank to drop. That shouldn't really bother me because I am not into commercial blogging. But then, every blogger would know how difficult it is to achieve a google page rank and a site's rise gives one a sense of achievement or self-fulfillment.

My melancholic attacks in the past were effectively cut short by my blogging. This blog became my sanctuary... my so-called "happy pill."

I tried to get a new connection with another provider but after 2 weeks of waiting, they came back to inform us that they allegedly ran out of premium lines in my area and offered us the option of obtaining internet connection at the speed of dial up connection. Tough luck!!! Oh well, such is life.

Anyway, I don't want to waste any more of my time ranting about SmartBro's lousy service. I hope that after tomorrow, I will be back in full swing.

Blessings to all,

Lousy SmartBro Connection

Things don't always go our way. Just when we thought we have planned out everything, something goes wrong. Almost always!

I was so excited to go back to blogging after my short vacation. There was too much sunshine to share. My mind was full of happy ideas and memories to write about. I was simply ecstatic to start writing again. I even promised a special band in Manila that I will feature them in my blog after they impressed me with their music and great performance.

But soon after I set foot in my house, the anticipation was drowned by frustration. I could not connect to the internet. That was 20 days ago. Until now, the "technical problem" has not been fixed. When I called up my provider tonight, I was asked to send an email to their customer service so I could be prioritized. What??? I was there on the phone talking to their representative and she still wants me to write them??? So tell me SmartBro, what was the use of recording my telephone call then??? Is this what a loyal customer deserves? Look at my latest bill closely to see that I am way ahead in my payment.

To my brother (my "utol") in the US who has shown concern over my blogs, I want you to know that I really appreciate the nightly reminder to update. But as I have explained to you, I'm the type who writes spontaneously from my own laptop. Doing it this way - that is, writing it in my laptop, saving it and transferring the material to my son's computer to be able to publish it - needs some getting used to on my part. I type then I publish. That's it. I am a one laptop/pc-type of person. That's just the way I am (in all aspects). And I can't write at work. The only time I can blog is at night when I'm relaxing at home. That is also my way of coping with and letting go of the day's stress. Now I have been deprived of that.

Blessings to all,

New Look For My Living Room

If there is one room in this house where James loved to spend most of his time, it was our living room. Never mind if we both dreamed of owning a Victorian type of sofa, the old rattan couch was his haven. I guess that was the reason why the dream never materialized. He simply hated the idea of discarding his favorite couch.

And perhaps that was also the reason why it took me 4 years to decide to finally give my living room a new look. The new set arrived today. I know this modern look is a far cry from his dream Victorian pieces.

But then, this is now MY choice, not his. This is now a true reflection of my taste. Very simple yet elegant. And comfortable. I can stretch out my feet on this comfy set after a hard day's work.

I am truly free.

Endings Always Bring New Beginnings

Starting over after losing James was probably the most daunting task I ever had to do in my life. James and I had planned a dream future and we knew exactly how to get there. But just like that, without any warning at all, he was suddenly gone... and so were our plans and our dreams.

How do you cope when you lose the most important person in your life? I wanted to wither and die behind the door that James closed on his way out of my life. Had there been a grave for him, I would have thrown myself in and joined him. Nothing else really mattered at that time. My life was over, or so I felt, and no amount of kind words from friends and family- not even from my own kids- could comfort me and erase my pain. I was totally lost in my grief.

The painful part was that there were people who could not relate to my pain and, instead of lending support, criticized me (that reached me, of course) either for healing "too fast" whenever I went out with friends or for getting "stuck in my grief" on those extended periods that I preferred to hibernate.

It is true that everyone grieves at his or her own pace. I took my time and that made a lot of people uneasy (maybe because there were those who were afraid that I would eventually become a burden to them). I stayed in that rut for 2 years and 3 months... until I decided to paint a new picture for my life and turn my grief into a new hope for the future. I suddenly realized that all the blessings I counted and thanked God for everyday for the last 2 years would be wasted if I did not put them to good use.

It was uncomfortable at first when the pros started to outweigh the cons of not being in a relationship anymore. I began to appreciate being able to decide on my own without need of conferring with anyone else to seek his approval. I found the true meaning of independence and that was so liberating for me.

Moving on does not mean that I have not loved him enough. It was a decision not to get stuck in the past. When James entered my life, there was no guarantee at all how long he would stay. So instead of wallowing in self pity, I focused on how fortunate I was to have experienced James' unconditional and unfailing love in all of 22 years of my life.

Now I am able to laugh again. I have rebuilt my life and my strength. The blessings have taken a new meaning simply because I have learned to fully appreciate, enjoy and share them with others. And best of all, I have learned to love myself again.

Once Upon A Christmas Eve

The year was 1982. I was 15. He was 17. [Wait, doesn't that remind you of "Endless Love", the movie?] I had known him for over a year already but he started pursuing me as soon as I turned 15 in June of that same year.

Those were the days when people still listened to the radio. I remember DXGE and DXUM on the AM Band where the hopeless romantics dedicated songs for their loved ones and love wannabe's. It was some sort of a status symbol then to hear your name mentioned on air because someone wanted you to hear his or her song for you.

And then one day, I heard the DJ mention my name. I didn't move and waited with abated breath. The song was "I'd Rather Leave While I'm In Love" by Rita Coolidge. It was from James. He was saying goodbye at that time because I told him I was too young to entertain suitors. My Mom was my co-conspirator in evading his telephone calls.

Came Christmas Eve 1982. He had a proposition- give it a try for a week. He said, if it didn't work out then I was free to walk away on the first day of January. I thought that was fair enough. After all, his persistent telephone calls had already caught the ire of my very strict Dad. If I agreed to his offer, I would be able to control the time of his calls.

At exactly midnight, I said YES. And the rest was history. No, it didn't end on New Year 1983. The original agreement was extended indefinitely such that my Dad had to banish me to Manila for college after finding out about James.

The much coveted UP (Los Banos) admission was junked for another state university where I had an aunt who could monitor my class schedules. I was placed in a dormitory that had a 9 p.m. curfew with very strict restrictions on visitors. My Dad was so paranoid that he was in Manila to check on me almost twice a month for 5 long years.

1982 was also the year that Lionel Richie (formerly of The Commodores) released his debut solo single "Truly" which became our signature song that continues to haunt me to this day.

Even after we got married 11 years later (March 1994), Christmas was the special anniversary we never forgot to celebrate. My Dad was wrong. I did not only finish college but law school as well. James cheered me on as I went on to achieve what I wanted in life. That was 9 years of schooling and the 10th year was my Bar review class. The result of the Bar exams was released and I took my oath on the same month that I became his wife. He patiently waited until I was ready. He became the "Wind Beneath My Wings." My number one fan.

Please don't get me wrong here. I no longer dwell on the past. I don't feel pain anymore when I remember him. It is true that the pain lessens in time. It was not a perfect relationship. We had our own ups and downs. But I realize now that it was the imperfection of our relationship that made it all too perfect. 22 years and we practically grew up together. There were a lot of good memories there to last me a lifetime. And too many lessons that I have painfully learned.

PS. Guess what suddenly played on the radio as I am editing this post... our song TRULY! See Janet, love indeed transcends death.

Praising in Desperation

"When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need."

That is so true. Have you ever hit rock bottom? Have you ever been in a dark abyss? Then you must know what I mean.

At night, when I was all alone and the kids were sleeping, that was when I would cry out to God and bewail my fate.

It came to a point when I thought I was going crazy because I started hearing a voice that whispered to me: "Life is all worthless now that James is gone. Death is the only answer to stop your pain." Believe me, that voice was so real and it haunted me. For many nights, I contemplated on putting an end to my own existence.

Desperate to take hold of my life, I began reading the Bible again and opened a chapter in Psalms. As the voice continued to haunt me each night, the verses seemed to make more sense. An idea suddenly hit me... I started reading out LOUD all the PRAISES from Psalms... much louder than the voice I was hearing. As I uttered each word, I felt a firm resolve embracing me... a strength I never had before.

And then one night, the voice just stopped. Eventually, it gave up altogether.