Collateral Damage

 

Sometimes the hardest battles to survive are the ones you never signed up to fight. 

𝓒𝓸𝓵𝓵𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓪𝓵 𝓭𝓪𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓮: caught in a war that was never mine, bearing scars I didn’t deserve.

A pocketful of sunshine and 

Flowers to Show our Love

After the traditional visit at the cemetery on the 1st of November, my children and I proceeded to Sta. Ana Wharf. It was too late to get a small boat to take us out to sea. The waves were too strong.

As we walked to the shore, the sound of the waves filled the air of silence between us. Raging waters threatened to drench our feet but we were unmindful. We were there for a reason.

Each whispering a prayer for James, my children and I took turns throwing flowers and loose petals into the sea. We had a bag full of them, you see.

The wind roared loudly... The sky turned gloomy… The waves raged to shore… Perhaps heaven heard us.

Time may have eased the pain and helped us mend the broken pieces of our fragile lives but… We still cope with grief one day at a time until now… even after almost 9 long years.

A pocketful of sunshine

and 

Image source: China Central Television

Remembrance

a distant star glimmers

the coldness of the night

makes me shiver

i hear you whisper

i shudder at the thought

you live in my heart

you never left

that's why i still hear you

and feel your love as

cold air embraces me

every time i lay awake

anxious at uncertainties

you rush to ease my mind

if only you could 

wipe away my tears

memories of rainbows and

of echoing laughter

unfulfilled dreams and
promises lie in their wake

bittersweet remembrance of past

© Bing (PinkLady) 2011



 Thanks to Jingle for The Perfect Poet Week 41 Award

I vote for Lolamouse of Mouse Droppings for her poem "Dirty Blues"

Thanks also for these awards:

Posted for Thursday Poets Rally 41

Image credit: Link

I Finally Did It

 for one 

last time

i looked 

back today

and took 

one last step

into 

the past

so i could 

move 

forward...

finally

i closed the door...

hopefully

this is my closure...

let this be the

last time...

because...

now i am

free!

© Bing (PinkLady) 2011

Posted for Poetry Potluck: Photographs, Memories and Nostalgia 

Image credit: Link

The 6th Year

i leave all pain and tears behind

as i walk towards the rising sun

confidently i take my stride

knowing all is well and fine

lessons learned by heart

regrets, i have none

expect, i'd rather not

with acceptance i shall

embrace life as it is

i am stronger...

i am better...

i am me...

© Bing (PinkLady) 2011
Posted for Poetry Potluck: Rules, Regulations and Laws...

Yesterday marked the 6th year anniversary of James' disappearance. My children and I honored him through a Catholic mass offered in his memory. For the first time since 2005, I did not go through any melancholic episode. Instead, my heart was filled with gratitude for having been part of James' short-lived existence and for my own resilience. I felt the blessedness of life itself as my 3 kids wrapped their arms around me. Tears rolled down my face not because I felt sorry for myself but because I was truly THANKFUL for the way things turned out.

If you have lived, take thankfully the past.

~John Dryden

 

It has been a long blogging hiatus for me here and  I was pleasantly surprised to read:

Review Tuesdays - OF LIVING AND LOVING

which was  written by esteemed poet Someone is Special at Jingle Poetry. SiS, your kind words really touched my heart and I thank you for that.  In reply to your article, let me quote an old comment I posted here also in reply to a fellow blogger's encouraging words, to  wit:

"I started this blog with the hope of inspiring others and helping them deal with the overwhelming aftermath of a sudden loss or tragedy in the family. I love to write. I went through my grief process by writing in my journal every single emotion that I felt and every single milestone in my journey towards healing. I didn't get here easily, you know. Believe me, I had all kinds of criticisms for staying so long in my grief. But taking my time to heal was all worth it. Grief is a normal and natural response to any loss. Have no fear and let it run free. It is OK not to feel OK. Express it and then release it.

I created this blog to share the light I have seen at the end of the tunnel with everyone who is in the same journey. The comments I have received from all of you validated that I have somehow achieved my purpose."

SiS, although I would have easily chosen pink as my background color because of my pseudonym, I instead opted for red as I felt that, at this stage of my life, this color defines me more now - i.e., intense, fearless, enthusiastic and passionate about life.

I was an accidental, albeit reluctant, poet, mind you. Ji (Jingle, as she is commonly known) was the one  who prodded me to take poetry seriously and join her Thursday Poets' Rally.  For that, I am most grateful to her. . 

I would  also like to thank everyone in Jingle's community who voted for me for The Celebrate Poet of 2010 Award.

Image courtesy: Link

I Stood My Ground

4 years ago, James disappeared without a trace. There were 3 of them actually. 2 weeks later, one of them, a very close friend of ours, was tagged as a "druglord" by no less than this city's highest official himself. Wow! Tough luck! That was our friend. And he was with my husband and another friend (a doctor) that fateful evening.

So this declaration justified the unexplained disappearance then???

One of them was a "druglord" so that makes it okay if they all disappeared from the face of the earth???

If you find a sympathetic police friend in your office room one morning begging you to keep mum so the rest of the family (comprising of 3 little kids) would be spared, do you think you would still find the guts to cry out loud in pain? If you hear of malicious talks from people in power accusing your own husband of having benefited from his affiliation with an alleged "druglord," do you think you stood a chance at defending your name in public? Again, even if it were true, did that justify James' disappearance?

If you received advice to leave the city until things have cooled down, would you heed it despite knowing that you didn't do anybody wrong and you are in fact the aggrieved person here?

I stood my ground. I didn't leave my beloved city. Not that I didn't have anywhere else to go. I talked to my kids, laid down the facts and we faced the odds together.

I am not ignorant. When a person is accused of a wrongdoing, you bring him to court. You don't summarily execute him. You let justice run its course. This is Davao. You can't buy justice here. If you have enough evidence to pin a person to a crime, lock him up if you want, but give him fully his rights to due process of law.

So where is justice in this case?

And what happens now to the family of the people left behind by the victims of summary execution? I have 3 kids, all in their teens. 4 years ago, the eldest was in 4th grade. How can I impart the value of trust to them when they lost their own father because of a friend whom we have considered part of this family and whose children they embraced as their own siblings?

I am telling you this... KILL SOMEONE and you kill his entire family. James' mother died 2 years after his disappearance. I would have killed myself a long time ago if not for my kids. The pain inflicted on us was too deep to find the words to describe it. Nobody was there to comfort my kids whenever they felt the need to run to their hiding places just to cry... Oh, they had that in school and at home.

Where was I? I was out there nursing my own wounds and trying to eke out a living at the same time (amidst my own grief) to raise and feed my orphaned kids.

So please, I am appealing to you... YOU WHO HAVE LONG WANTED TO TALK TO ME... Tell me PLEASE if James' remains were among those found in Ma-a. Allow me to give him a decent burial so my kids and I can fully move on and finally bury the past. Give us closure please. That's what I beg of you.

Will This Bring Me Answers?

I have been following the local news lately. A certain portion of the city has been cordoned off to give way to an investigation, it first said. Video footage showed men in uniform in the area. That was local news.

Tonight it has been confirmed in a national breaking news clip on prime time tv. Skeletal remains have been found on a suspected dumping ground in Ma-a, Davao City.

"The area is believed to be the dumping ground of bodies of victims of summary killings of DDS, according to informants, said the DHR.

The human rights body said the remains were found by a police Special Investigation Task Group (SITG) formed after the CHR created a multi-sectoral task force to investigate the alleged summary killings perpetrated by DDS. The task force is composed of representatives from the Philippine National Police, Armed Forces of the Philippines, Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency, Bureau of Jail Management and Penology, Department of Social Welfare and Development, Department of Health, Department of Justice, Department of National Defense and Department of Interior and Local Government.

According to CHR, the remains were found by the SITG at the site on its first day of digging. CHR said “diggings immediately undertaken resulted in the findings of several fragments identified by the SOCO (Scene-of-the-Crime Operations) as human remains."

According to the news, the remains of at least 8 people have been found. I was dumbfounded. Last year, I got a similar information but I dismissed it as mere hearsay and, therefore, unreliable.

For 4 long years, I waited for answers. Those were 4 agonizing years!!! Do you have any idea at all what I went through each day of those 4 long years hoping for at least an iota of truth as to what happened to James or where I could find his body? Now they are talking of skeletal remains. Oh yes, I should have long given up on finding a body!

"please Lord.. let there be closure.. 4 long years of agony.. just let there be closure finally.. i don't care anymore who did it.. i have no more bitterness nor anger.. i have long forgiven.. i just want to move on.. let there be closure.. now that i have found light again in my life, let me cast darkness aside.. let there be closure.. let this be the last time i look back.. i need closure now..."

Blessings to all,

Chinese New Year's Eve and James' 4th Year of Disappearance

This year, the Chinese Lunar New Year falls on January 26th.

Today, the 25th, is James' 4th year of disappearance. It is also Chinese New Year's Eve. My kids and I will be joining his brothers and their families (the in-laws) to welcome the Year of the Ox the traditional way. That would be dinner and some rituals to:

1. honor and remember the departed family members and ancestors
2. usher in good luck and prosperity into the family

Today, my son also asked me who is responsible for his dad's disappearance. I know the answer but I refrained from giving him a definite one. He asked if his dad is really dead, I said Yes. :( Is there any other way of telling a 14-year-old boy? He has asked me this perhaps a hundred times already.

When he gave me a disappointed look, I told him to accept the truth- his dad is not coming back. I assured him that I feel much better now after learning to forgive the people who have caused us pain... that he would feel the same way if he starts forgiving as well. He nodded. He shrugged his shoulders. And went on to play an internet game on his laptop.

May all of you be blessed with great fortune, good health,
love and laughter in the Year of the Earth Ox.
Happy New Year to everyone!

Blessings to all,

Moving Thoughtfully Through Time

"We live by losing and leaving and letting go. And sooner or later, with more or less pain, we all must come to know that loss is indeed a lifelong human condition."
- Judith Viorst -

We are all familiar with loss- for loss is fundamental to life. Built into nature, it confronts us everyday. Blossoms fade. One season claims another even as the tide erodes the shore. Loss is part of that ebb and flow, part of the natural cycle of growth and decay.

I can't count the nights when I have been roused from a fitful sleep, my restless mind racing. "Why me? Why him? Why now? Why did I deserve this?" Losing James brought me face-to-face with my greatest fear.

It took quite sometime for me to accept the fact that every loss is a challenge to grow... yet growth requires change which is often painful.

Deciding to heal doesn't mean giving up on my dreams or the memories. It does mean deciding NOT to give up on myself and on my future (as well as that of my kids').

The first step may have been difficult. The destination may have been unclear. But that first step carried me forward on my journey of renewal.

Seasons can't be rushed. Neither can the process of healing one's heart. I found my way at my own pace.

Much love,

Loss of a Husband... A Poem

 

~For The Loss Of A Husband~

You two had been together
All those wonderful years
Then the angels came and took him
Now you're left with just your tears

Oh, I know how much you miss him
And you feel you can't go on
But the Lord has a way of healing
He will help you to be strong

One day you'll remember happy memories
As you look back at the times you had
You'll smile as you recall the times you laughed
And yes, even times that were sad




~ Lu Dube ~
© 2003 used with permission

The Blame Game

The first day James went missing, I tried to put up a brave face and spent the entire day (and night) going to places that he normally went to. It helped that I was in the company of friends who were as frantic as I was- the wife of one of the three missing men and a good friend of our husbands. We went around the city having no idea at all where to start looking. We even went to hospitals and funeral parlors.

By midday, we finally found the car that the three used the night prior. It was parked outside a popular KTV bar in the city. But there was no trace of the three missing men. It provided some sort of relief for us... at least we knew where to begin our own investigation.

We were at the KTV bar again as soon as it opened that evening. There must have been 10 of us there, all wanting to find bits and pieces of information that we could get from the waiters and the guest relations officers (GRO's). But everyone was unanimous in saying that they have not seen any of the three men recently.

A dead end. The first of many.

As we got busy with the search, some people also got busy putting the blame on someone... on anybody, in fact. Perhaps that made it easier for them to accept what was happening.

Too many questions that had to be answered while I was drowning in my sorrow. Too many accusations that were uncalled for. "Why didn't you stop him from leaving that evening?" I wish I could... I wish I did... "Why did you allow him to continue his friendship with a man suspected of having a shady background?" I wish you heard all the conversations James and I had over this. "Why couldn't you stop your husband from going out with his friends? Why couldn't you control him?" Like James didn't have his own mind at 39!

And so on and so forth... One even had the temerity to blame James on my face. Some people could really be so inconsiderate and insensitive.

If I had all the answers, would it bring him back? I guess not.

When things like this happen, why is it necessary to put the blame on someone? Why are so many people quick to judge, criticize and blame the wife... as if she wanted this to happen. They tend to forget that this woman is now forced to pick up the pieces of her life destroyed by circumstances over which she had no control of. The way she grieves her loss as well as the way she raises her children are put under close scrutiny.

But then, she too has to move on and it's nobody's business how she chooses to reclaim her life.

At times like this, when you have nothing good to say, then you'd better NOT say anything at all.

We Were Not Ready To Say Goodbye...

"It was tragic enough to lose a loved one without a trace but learning of the tall tales and fallacious accounts that threatened to taint our name, which was the only wealth my husband left us, brought us pain beyond words."

(original article appeared in on January 25, 2006)


How fast time flies! It is exactly one year today since that fateful day of January 25, 2005 when my three very young kids and I were jolted from our sleep at 5:30 a.m. after realizing (or should I say, sensing) that their Dad (James) did not come home.

The night before that, my husband picked up the kids from their tutorial classes because it was starting to rain. It was unusual because he rarely had time to pick them up from school and on those rare occasions that he did, he always brought me and the yaya (nanny) along. Even the kids were impressed when, for the first time, they saw their Dad waiting for them ALONE at the school gate.

Upon reaching home, James slumped on the sofa looking so unusually tired and worn out. When I reminded him of the invitation we got earlier from a friend who owned a bar, he just shrugged it off because we both had a slight fever that night.

At 7:30 p.m. however, another friend who received the same invitation called him up. Since my husband was the type who could not say no to any of his friends - he almost always never did! - he hesitantly agreed to go out with him to their friend's pub. He then asked him if he could bring me along (so he could use me later as an excuse to leave the party early) but the friend informed him that it was a "boys' night out" and he himself would not bring his wife. I was disappointed.

When my husband asked for his jacket, I deliberately handed him a different one to convey my disappointment. Of course I knew which one was his favorite. I gave it to him as a gift some ten years ago. Over the years, he was able to accumulate several coats but he always reached for that jacket every time he needed one. His son (our eldest child) knew exactly where to find it and gave it to his dad. He then kissed me goodbye and said "I love you" but I pretended that I did not hear it. When he feigned a pained look, I glared back at him and wryly warned not to disturb me with calls or text messages during the night.

Before he left, he asked our son to open the gate for him. A few meters away from the house, he called to check on us. He then said "I love you" for the last time...

Two days later, the headlines screamed: "Three Businessmen Missing." One of them was my husband.

Yes, we did a frantic search but to no avail. Fearing that it was a case of kidnapping, I waited for that dreaded ransom demand, but none came. The chance of finding my husband became grim when, two weeks later, his friend was tagged as a druglord on tv, I was advised by well-meaning friends to stop looking for James because of unverified rumors from his being buried alive to his being thrown at sea to be "eaten by sharks."

At that time, I felt as if I was moving through someone else's movie. Everything felt surreal, in slow motion.

In my mind, I was screaming:

"This only happens in the movies! This can't be happening to my family! We live in a good neighborhood, we were God-fearing decent people and we never took or sold drugs, so how come this kind of thing happened to my family?"

For months, our days were measured by: one day after he went missing, one month since he went missing, and so on. I became numb and filtered information bit by bit, instead of all at once. For seven long months, I drank each single night to subdue the pain. There were days when the anguish was too much to bear that I wished for death to take me. I went through periods of disorientation, numbness, denial, acute periods of pain and then a return to numbness.

And all those malicious conjectures about my husband did not help - they just aggravated my pain. I never realized how cruel some people could be in the midst of another person's tragedy. There were even those whom we hardly knew but fanned rumors as if they knew us very well and either spread nasty suppositions as gospel truth or passed them around as alleged intelligence reports. Yes, all of these reached me!

I withdrew from almost everyone - family, friends, colleagues, the world - because every time I spoke to someone, I had to defend my husband's name. I wasn't ready to talk to friends. All I wanted to do was curl up in my bed, hide from the world and have something convince me it would someday be alright again. I longed for my husband to hold me and understand what I was feeling, as he always did. But he was gone. And whenever reality set in, my panic attacks paralyzed me. The haze, the confusion and the pain - it all gripped at my core. The simplest task seemed daunting. Those things that I once did with ease became difficult and challenging.

The most agonizing part though was informing the kids. At that time, my son was just 10 and my two daughters were only 8 and 5. When my husband's photos started appearing in the newspapers and on television, I decided it was time to tell them the truth. But how do you tell children such tragic truth?

It helped that my parents, my sister and her husband were there to lend support. Although my heart was shattered to pieces as I listened how my Dad carefully broke the news to my kids, I tried to put on a brave face for their sake. They listened intently and tears slowly rolled down their little faces as the weight of the tragedy dawned on them. When my son, after wiping his tears, confidently uttered "we will find Dad" I finally broke down. Again, everything felt surreal. This was not happening to us!

I admit there was nothing perfect in my marriage. But if I were to describe my relationship with James, I can readily say that we were the best of friends. He first came into my life 23 years ago when I was only 15 and he was 17. It is this unique friendship that pulled us through all the trials and storms that came our way.

Looking back now (one year later), my kids and I survived because we lived one day at a time. My children proved to be more mature than their age, of which I am so grateful. Their own strength became my pillar. Their Dad would have been proud of them knowing that we raised them well. My children and I silently thanked God for family and friends who relentlessly and fearlessly pursued the truth, defended us from nasty rumors and helped in the search.

It was tragic enough to lose a loved one without a trace but learning of the tall tales and fallacious accounts that threatened to taint our name, which was the only wealth my husband left us, brought us pain beyond words.

I think of other families who lost a loved one and experienced the same treatment. I can only imagine how they survived. For those who have lost a father, a brother, a breadwinner, have they moved on?

As to the perpetrators of injustice, have they found peace? Sometimes I can't help but wonder if they ever imagined such tragic fate befalling them. How would they deal with it? I sincerely pray that they won't have to leave this world the way their victims went as I am sure that they have families of their own too. Would their children be as strong as mine? One day when they face their God, they will also meet those they have judged - whether fairly or unjustly - in this lifetime. How would they fare?

Of this I am sure: THAT FATEFUL NIGHT A YEAR AGO, WE WERE NOT READY TO SAY GOODBYE - NOT JAMES, NOT ME, NOT MY KIDS!

There are times when we - my children and I - are tempted to return to denial for a while - just to feel a little better. It's true that pain lessens with time, but we are still ambushed by grief occasionally. Oh how we cried together for the birthdays, anniversaries, the Christmas and New Year celebrations that their Dad missed during the past year.

Now we learned that one doesn't get over grief... you just get through it. Counting every little blessing we have helped us cope. We are most thankful for family and friends who never left us, who stayed and continued to believe in our integrity, who understood and simply held our hand when it was too painful to talk about it. No one in my family had done anything wrong to deserve this injustice.

Whenever the feeling of loss looms over us now, my children and I thank God that we still have each other.

Indeed, our route to complete healing is still long... and it is supposed to start with forgiveness. But, honestly, if you were in our shoes, would you be able to forgive?

Updates:

"You Can Die Any Time"

Death Squad Killings in Mindanao

Human Rights Watch Study/Report on Death Squad Killings in Mindanao

[Philip Lam, as mentioned above, was the companion of James Yap that evening of January 24, 2005. They are still missing up to this day.]

[At timestamp 28:57 to 30:05, Philip Lam and the circumstances of his disappearance were mentioned by self-confessed hitman Arturo Lascanias, a retired police officer of the Davao City Police Office. Again, James Yap was with Philip Lam at the time of the abduction and they were never seen again.]

News Articles on the Disappearance of James/Jimmy:

City Councilor Urges Police, Task Force Davao to Find Three Missing Filipino-Chinese Businessmen

Bloody February

Blessings to all,