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Showing posts with label Bereavement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bereavement. Show all posts

10 November 2013

Of Loss and Regrets… and Getting Through...


“I do not know anymore…” 

This was not a line from Janet Napoles during the Senate Hearing for PDAF Scam but from a colleague/very close friend of mine who is grieving the sudden and unexpected loss of his wife. 42 years of marriage and suddenly he is alone. 

“I should have been kinder…” 

“I should have treated her better…” 

But then, looking back now I cannot imagine what “kinder” and “better” could he have done considering that he was such a kind, devoted, loving companion to his then-frail wife.

Of course, I know where he’s coming from. There will always be regrets. There will always be words that were left unsaid and intentions that were left undone. We can never have enough time to show enough love. 


How do you make the most of your time with your loved ones? How do you make each moment count? I wish I have the answers for him. But after 9 years of coping with my own loss, the same “regrets” still haunt me… 

“I should have…” 

“I could have…”

“Why didn’t I…???"

As I have painfully learned in my own journey, one never gets over grief. You just learn to get through it…


A pocketful of sunshine and 


Image credit: www.memorialize.com

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11 September 2010

Happy Birthday James

James Yap, September 11, 1965- January 2005
James, your light shines on through our three children. 
They are my greatest treasure. 
Thank you so much for everything!

Had James been alive, he would have turned 45 today. We may have moved on but we have not forgotten. He will always be in our hearts. And we will forever be grateful for all the memories he left behind.





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27 November 2009

Who Created The Monsters?



"Thank you Lord for not allowing Mommy to go out with Daddy that evening... Thank you for letting her stay with us..." This was my youngest daughter's prayer over supper one evening. If I went out with James on the night of January 24, 2005 (like the way I used to), these 3 kids would have awakened the next day as orphans. My heart breaks every time I think of it. I guess it was not my time yet. Or maybe I just got lucky.

But not everyone is as lucky...

The children of Eduardo and Cecille Lechonsito were suddenly orphaned when their parents met their untimely death on November 23, 2009. While on their way to Cotabato City for a medical check up and ct scan (Eduardo suffered a mild stroke that day), their car was waylaid and led to the killing fields by the private militia (over 100 gunmen) of a Maguindanao Mayor.

They are not the only ones who perished in what is now tagged as Maguindanao Massacre.

A prominent political family in the South easily lost over a dozen of their members, all women, who were tasked to file the certificate of candidacy (for a gubernatorial position) of Esmael "Toto" Mangudadatu. Together with Mangudadatu's wife, sisters (the youngest sister was 4 months pregnant!) and other relatives, 34 media practitioners likewise perished in "the single deadliest event for journalists in history."

Sadly, two lady lawyers, acting as legal counsel for the Mangudadatus , were also among those slain in the infamous massacre.

Ironically, Eduardo and Cecille Lechonsito were not even part of the Mangudadatu's convoy. These ordinary government employees were simply at the wrong place at the wrong time.

To date, 57 bodies (22 were women) have been recovered from the shallow graves that were dug by a backhoe which belonged to the Maguindanao provincial government. In an attempt to hide the gruesome murders, the victims' cars were also buried with them.

The manner by which the women victims were tortured, mutilated and killed (possibly raped too!) was truly unspeakable. The devil himself would have cringed at the thought.

The suspect? Scion of a political warlord in Maguindanao. The motive? Political rivalry and vendetta.

Thus ends the saga of the most feared and most powerful political clan in the southern part of the country. The entire nation watched (with great relief!!! mltan100.blogspot.com) as their downfall slowly unfolded.

This may be the worst election-related violence in the country but this is not the first time that the people here have heard of such atrocities. Goons, guns and gold seem to get so fast into the head of every aspiring political warlord. No matter how clean and sincere a man's intentions were at the start of his political career, the "power" eventually transforms him into a monster one way or the other. There are some exceptions, of course, and kudos to them who sincerely, incessantly and tirelessly work to make this country (and world) a better place to live in.

In most cases though, power is taken to mean as a carte blanche to take the law into one's hands. The Maguindanao massacre was carried out in broad daylight. It is quite scary to think that these people were so confident in committing mass murder with impunity thinking that they could get away with it. [Actually, they almost did if not for the timely (and unwelcome) appearance of the search team on board a chopper.]

As I said, this is not the only crime of this kind. A few months ago, a mass grave was also discovered in this city. After a controversy-ridden investigation and "technical-legal difficulties," everyone seemed to have forgotten about it already. Everyone moved on since then. The perpetrators conveniently hid under the cloak of the law which they themselves trampled on. But what about those people whose bones remained buried there?

And so it remained that way... unsolved! Sadly charged to experience.

For all of the Maguindanao massacre's victims' families, take comfort that the sacrifice of lives has finally unraveled and unmasked the monsters that lurked in the province of Maguindanao. They did not die in vain.

For those whose atrocities and complicities have not yet been disclosed, divine justice will eventually catch up with you. The truth will emerge and justice will take its full course... Somehow... Someday...

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly." -Martin Luther King, Jr.-

"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." -Albert Einstein-








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11 September 2009

In Memory of James and The Thousands of People Who Lost their Lives 8 Years Ago

James would have turned 44 today. My kids lit a candle and offered their prayers for him early this morning. It's good to know that after 4 years, they still remember his birthday. It's also good to know that I sense no pain in them anymore. Maybe they still miss him but this tragedy has not derailed their lives. As I said before, there are no longer "what if's" and "what-would-have-been". My children are moving towards the future and have not looked back for a long time. We talk of "tomorrow" now and it warms my heart to know that they are looking forward to all the challenges and changes ahead of us.

Also on this day 8 years ago, thousands of people lost their lives in several acts of senseless violence in the US. These people left behind thousands of grieving families and friends who, to this day, couldn't make sense of what really happened that day.

Let us all join in prayer as we remember James on his birthday and all the victims of terrorism around the world, particularly those who lost their lives on September 11, 2001. May they all rest in peace!



It's been a year daddy, I really really miss you.
Mommy says you're safe now,
in a beautiful place called heaven.

We had your favorite dinner tonight
I ate it all up...
... Even though I don't like carrots

I learned how to swim this summer
I can even open my eyes
when I'm under water

Can't you see me?

I started Kindergarten this year
I carry around a picture of us in my Blue's Clues Lunch Box

You are the greatest Daddy
I can swing on the swing by myself ...
Even though I miss you pushing me

Can't you see me?

I miss how you used to tickle me
Tickle my belly
My belly hurts

I try not to cry
Mommy says it's okay
I know you don't like it when I cry

Never wanted me to be sad
I try daddy but it hurts

Is it true you're not coming home
Maybe some day
I can visit you in Heaven okay?

It's time for me to go to bed now
I sleep with the light on.
Just in case you come home,
and kiss me good-night.

I love you so much.
I miss you Daddy



Blessings to all,

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07 November 2008

The Blame Game

The first day James went missing, I tried to put up a brave face and spent the entire day (and night) going to places that he normally went to. It helped that I was in the company of friends who were as frantic as I was- the wife of one of the three missing men and a good friend of our husbands. We went around the city having no idea at all where to start looking. We even went to hospitals and funeral parlors.

By midday, we finally found the car that the three used the night prior. It was parked outside a popular KTV bar in the city. But there was no trace of the three missing men. It provided some sort of relief for us... at least we knew where to begin our own investigation.

We were at the KTV bar again as soon as it opened that evening. There must have been 10 of us there, all wanting to find bits and pieces of information that we could get from the waiters and the guest relations officers (GRO's). But everyone was unanimous in saying that they have not seen any of the three men recently.

A dead end. The first of many.

As we got busy with the search, some people also got busy putting the blame on someone... on anybody, in fact. Perhaps that made it easier for them to accept what was happening.

Too many questions that had to be answered while I was drowning in my sorrow. Too many accusations that were uncalled for. "Why didn't you stop him from leaving that evening?" I wish I could... I wish I did... "Why did you allow him to continue his friendship with a man suspected of having a shady background?" I wish you heard all the conversations James and I had over this. "Why couldn't you stop your husband from going out with his friends? Why couldn't you control him?" Like James didn't have his own mind at 39!

And so on and so forth... One even had the temerity to blame James on my face. Some people could really be so inconsiderate and insensitive.

If I had all the answers, would it bring him back? I guess not.

When things like this happen, why is it necessary to put the blame on someone? Why are so many people quick to judge, criticize and blame the wife... as if she wanted this to happen. They tend to forget that this woman is now forced to pick up the pieces of her life destroyed by circumstances over which she had no control of. The way she grieves her loss as well as the way she raises her children are put under close scrutiny.

But then, she too has to move on and it's nobody's business how she chooses to reclaim her life.

At times like this, when you have nothing good to say, then you'd better NOT say anything at all.


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02 November 2008

Remembering The Dead


Yesterday, millions of Filipinos trooped to the cemeteries to honor the dead. November 1, All Saints' Day or, to us Filipinos, "Undas" or "Todos los Santos", marks the beginning of our Catholic-dominated country's festivities for the dead. The traditional celebration carries on the next day, All Souls' Day or "Araw ng mga Patay."

Filipinos spend these two days visiting the graveyards of deceased relatives, where prayers and flowers are offered, candles are lit and the graves themselves are cleaned, repaired and repainted.

The Filipino-Chinese community has a more colorful way of celebrating All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day. A spray of flowers, fruits and other foodstuff surround the graves of their ancestors in the belief that they too share in the feast. Big dragon candles (WHITE or YELLOW for those who have recently passed on and RED for those who have been dead for 2 years or more) and incense sticks are lighted to honor their ancestors' souls. Chinese money or "kim" are burned in huge clay pots believing that this will bring prosperity to their departed relatives.

These traditions may seem insignificant to some people but for those who have experienced bereavement, the "Undas" allows us to come together and celebrate life with those who shared our loss. Rituals such as this successfully connect large extended families who provide moral and spiritual strength to each other.


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