Collateral Damage

 

Sometimes the hardest battles to survive are the ones you never signed up to fight. 

𝓒𝓸𝓵𝓵𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓪𝓵 𝓭𝓪𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓮: caught in a war that was never mine, bearing scars I didn’t deserve.

A pocketful of sunshine and 

Of Loss and Regrets… and Getting Through...

“I do not know anymore…” 

This was not a line from Janet Napoles during the Senate Hearing for PDAF Scam but from a colleague/very close friend of mine who is grieving the sudden and unexpected loss of his wife. 42 years of marriage and suddenly he is alone. 

“I should have been kinder…” 

“I should have treated her better…” 

But then, looking back now I cannot imagine what “kinder” and “better” could he have done considering that he was such a kind, devoted, loving companion to his then-frail wife.

Of course, I know where he’s coming from. There will always be regrets. There will always be words that were left unsaid and intentions that were left undone. We can never have enough time to show enough love. 

How do you make the most of your time with your loved ones? How do you make each moment count? I wish I have the answers for him. But after 9 years of coping with my own loss, the same “regrets” still haunt me… 

“I should have…” 

“I could have…”

“Why didn’t I…???"

As I have painfully learned in my own journey, one never gets over grief. You just learn to get through it…

A pocketful of sunshine and 

Image credit: www.memorialize.com

Flowers to Show our Love

After the traditional visit at the cemetery on the 1st of November, my children and I proceeded to Sta. Ana Wharf. It was too late to get a small boat to take us out to sea. The waves were too strong.

As we walked to the shore, the sound of the waves filled the air of silence between us. Raging waters threatened to drench our feet but we were unmindful. We were there for a reason.

Each whispering a prayer for James, my children and I took turns throwing flowers and loose petals into the sea. We had a bag full of them, you see.

The wind roared loudly... The sky turned gloomy… The waves raged to shore… Perhaps heaven heard us.

Time may have eased the pain and helped us mend the broken pieces of our fragile lives but… We still cope with grief one day at a time until now… even after almost 9 long years.

A pocketful of sunshine

and 

Image source: China Central Television

It's Not Your Fault...

Her letter read: "I'm sorry... I just can't take it anymore..."

And just like that, she took her life. Her pain may have ended. Her sleepless nights may have also ended. But then, her bereaved children's nightmare has just begun.

"Why?" Her children asked. For them, this was their mother-- a strong-willed woman who showed no trace of weakness at all in her entire life. A survivor. A real fighter. A winner. She was always in control... even of their lives. She had everything that money could buy. They all thought that she could handle everything. Now they are haunted by "why's" and have no way of knowing what went on in her mind.

Coping with death in the family is one of life's most challenging trials. But when a loved one commits suicide, the family does not only experience profound grief because of the sudden loss but the overwhelming feelings of incomprehension, blame and anger are added to their suffering.

It does not end there though. They then start to feel isolated and judged by their friends and colleagues. The stigma, whether imagined or not, may cause them to withdraw in order to protect themselves from intrusive and difficult questions as well as disparaging remarks.

Right now, I wish I have the right words to comfort my friend who lost her mother. I know that she has not told her son the truth about his grandmother's death. She wanted him to remember his grandmother as the exuberant, positive person that she was.

My friend, at this point in time, there is no right or wrong and there are no rules in dealing and coping with your grief. Let me assure you though that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Whatever drove your mother to commit suicide, you had nothing to do with it. I can feel your pain and confusion. I can feel your anger. You are entitled to feel that way. After all, this tragedy has thrown all your emotions into turmoil.

No, you couldn't have prevented it. A person who is determined to commit suicide is likely to accomplish it. Perhaps what is best now is to learn how to accept this. She is gone so she can't be helped anymore. But you... you have to get on with your life. For your family's sake. For your own sake.

When you are ready to talk about it, you know that I am here for you.

Life's Little Pleasures

Life's magic is everywhere...
You just have to open your eyes a little wider
And take a closer look at the world around you.
Don't worry about where you have been.
Watch your future unfold
Filled with dreams of where you are going.
-Deanna Beisser-

As we were about to sleep one evening, 13-year-0ld Jazzy said "thank you, Ma." I asked what she was thanking me for. She replied: "For all the lessons you have taught us."

She then proceeded to tell me: "It used to break our hearts to see you crying every night. In fact, every night I prayed to God to please make you happy again. After that, I would thank Him endlessly on those evenings that I didn't see you cry. Isn't it that you taught us to be grateful for little things? But when you finally stopped crying, that was the best gift He gave to us and we couldn't thank Him enough."

10-year-old Jamie agreed and said: "That's true Mommy. We also cried whenever we saw you crying. But now we are happy because you are happy."

Jazmine added: "See, you taught us to be positive all the time... even on those times when there was no reason at all to be happy about."

I remember that dark period so well. It was then when I thought my family would never see the colors around us again. Everything was pitch black. There was total darkness. In fact, my kids' tears would flow every night as I forced them to recall what they had to be thankful for at the end of the day. I felt their pain because, like them, it was also impossible for me to see or think beyond my grief.

As our gratitude list started getting longer, we began to smile again.

Now these kids say "thank you" for the littlest favor, gesture or gift. A movie that made them feel good, a dinner treat at McDonald's (they know I already hate going there), a walk in the mall, a surprise shopping treat and other little pleasant surprises -- I always get a big hug and a "thank you."

But to be thanked for the lessons in life that they have learned from me... that is the best compliment I have ever received!


Blessings to all ,

Will This Bring Me Answers?

I have been following the local news lately. A certain portion of the city has been cordoned off to give way to an investigation, it first said. Video footage showed men in uniform in the area. That was local news.

Tonight it has been confirmed in a national breaking news clip on prime time tv. Skeletal remains have been found on a suspected dumping ground in Ma-a, Davao City.

"The area is believed to be the dumping ground of bodies of victims of summary killings of DDS, according to informants, said the DHR.

The human rights body said the remains were found by a police Special Investigation Task Group (SITG) formed after the CHR created a multi-sectoral task force to investigate the alleged summary killings perpetrated by DDS. The task force is composed of representatives from the Philippine National Police, Armed Forces of the Philippines, Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency, Bureau of Jail Management and Penology, Department of Social Welfare and Development, Department of Health, Department of Justice, Department of National Defense and Department of Interior and Local Government.

According to CHR, the remains were found by the SITG at the site on its first day of digging. CHR said “diggings immediately undertaken resulted in the findings of several fragments identified by the SOCO (Scene-of-the-Crime Operations) as human remains."

According to the news, the remains of at least 8 people have been found. I was dumbfounded. Last year, I got a similar information but I dismissed it as mere hearsay and, therefore, unreliable.

For 4 long years, I waited for answers. Those were 4 agonizing years!!! Do you have any idea at all what I went through each day of those 4 long years hoping for at least an iota of truth as to what happened to James or where I could find his body? Now they are talking of skeletal remains. Oh yes, I should have long given up on finding a body!

"please Lord.. let there be closure.. 4 long years of agony.. just let there be closure finally.. i don't care anymore who did it.. i have no more bitterness nor anger.. i have long forgiven.. i just want to move on.. let there be closure.. now that i have found light again in my life, let me cast darkness aside.. let there be closure.. let this be the last time i look back.. i need closure now..."

Blessings to all,

The Man In The Mirror Tried To Heal The World

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could
Have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and
Then make a change..."

ED BRADLEY: Michael, what would you say to you — your fans, who have supported you through all of this, and — and who today, some of them might have questions? What would you say to them?

MICHAEL JACKSON: Well, I would tell them I love them very much. And I— I— they've learned about me, and know about me from a distance. But if you really want to know about me, there's a song I wrote, which is the most honest song I've ever written. It's the most autobiographical song I've ever written. It's called, "Childhood." They should listen to it. That's the one they really should listen to. And thank you for your support, the fans around the world. I love you with all my heart. I don't take any of it for granted. Any of it. And I love them dearly, all over the world.

(Interview With Ed Bradley On '60 Minutes')

Here are some of MICHAEL JACKSON'S songs that made a difference in this beautiful yet chaotic world of ours...





We may never see him perform live again but his songs will linger on through many generations to come.

How about you, have you thought of doing anything significant with your life? Nothing big is necessary... making someone smile each day is enough.

Here's my share:

a pocketful of sunshine to everyone!!!

Blessings to all,

Image Source: Michael Jackson - King Of Pop from http://tube.hk

I Don't Want To Stay Angry

The truth is that, I DON'T WANT TO STAY ANGRY. I am done with hatred and bitterness in my life. The best way to deal with it is to confront what or who causes me pain. So that's exactly what I did a few minutes ago. It is indeed liberating to be able to release the burden of anger.

These quotes helped me cool down and stay objective. They reminded me of what forgiving is all about.

It always helps to confront one's anger and deal with it face to face. It also gives the other person or persons the chance to air his/her/their side. At the very least, I was able to convey the message that I won't take lightly any injustice- perceived or real- against my kids.

Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. But in forgiving, one does not have to compromise his principles. He may not be able to change the past but he can do something about the future by taking a stand.

The door has been opened for a dialogue. I welcome that.

Blessings to all,