Flowers to Show our Love

After the traditional visit at the cemetery on the 1st of November, my children and I proceeded to Sta. Ana Wharf. It was too late to get a small boat to take us out to sea. The waves were too strong.

As we walked to the shore, the sound of the waves filled the air of silence between us. Raging waters threatened to drench our feet but we were unmindful. We were there for a reason.

Each whispering a prayer for James, my children and I took turns throwing flowers and loose petals into the sea. We had a bag full of them, you see.

The wind roared loudly... The sky turned gloomy… The waves raged to shore… Perhaps heaven heard us.

Time may have eased the pain and helped us mend the broken pieces of our fragile lives but… We still cope with grief one day at a time until now… even after almost 9 long years.

A pocketful of sunshine

and 

Image source: China Central Television

I Stood My Ground

4 years ago, James disappeared without a trace. There were 3 of them actually. 2 weeks later, one of them, a very close friend of ours, was tagged as a "druglord" by no less than this city's highest official himself. Wow! Tough luck! That was our friend. And he was with my husband and another friend (a doctor) that fateful evening.

So this declaration justified the unexplained disappearance then???

One of them was a "druglord" so that makes it okay if they all disappeared from the face of the earth???

If you find a sympathetic police friend in your office room one morning begging you to keep mum so the rest of the family (comprising of 3 little kids) would be spared, do you think you would still find the guts to cry out loud in pain? If you hear of malicious talks from people in power accusing your own husband of having benefited from his affiliation with an alleged "druglord," do you think you stood a chance at defending your name in public? Again, even if it were true, did that justify James' disappearance?

If you received advice to leave the city until things have cooled down, would you heed it despite knowing that you didn't do anybody wrong and you are in fact the aggrieved person here?

I stood my ground. I didn't leave my beloved city. Not that I didn't have anywhere else to go. I talked to my kids, laid down the facts and we faced the odds together.

I am not ignorant. When a person is accused of a wrongdoing, you bring him to court. You don't summarily execute him. You let justice run its course. This is Davao. You can't buy justice here. If you have enough evidence to pin a person to a crime, lock him up if you want, but give him fully his rights to due process of law.

So where is justice in this case?

And what happens now to the family of the people left behind by the victims of summary execution? I have 3 kids, all in their teens. 4 years ago, the eldest was in 4th grade. How can I impart the value of trust to them when they lost their own father because of a friend whom we have considered part of this family and whose children they embraced as their own siblings?

I am telling you this... KILL SOMEONE and you kill his entire family. James' mother died 2 years after his disappearance. I would have killed myself a long time ago if not for my kids. The pain inflicted on us was too deep to find the words to describe it. Nobody was there to comfort my kids whenever they felt the need to run to their hiding places just to cry... Oh, they had that in school and at home.

Where was I? I was out there nursing my own wounds and trying to eke out a living at the same time (amidst my own grief) to raise and feed my orphaned kids.

So please, I am appealing to you... YOU WHO HAVE LONG WANTED TO TALK TO ME... Tell me PLEASE if James' remains were among those found in Ma-a. Allow me to give him a decent burial so my kids and I can fully move on and finally bury the past. Give us closure please. That's what I beg of you.

Will This Bring Me Answers?

I have been following the local news lately. A certain portion of the city has been cordoned off to give way to an investigation, it first said. Video footage showed men in uniform in the area. That was local news.

Tonight it has been confirmed in a national breaking news clip on prime time tv. Skeletal remains have been found on a suspected dumping ground in Ma-a, Davao City.

"The area is believed to be the dumping ground of bodies of victims of summary killings of DDS, according to informants, said the DHR.

The human rights body said the remains were found by a police Special Investigation Task Group (SITG) formed after the CHR created a multi-sectoral task force to investigate the alleged summary killings perpetrated by DDS. The task force is composed of representatives from the Philippine National Police, Armed Forces of the Philippines, Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency, Bureau of Jail Management and Penology, Department of Social Welfare and Development, Department of Health, Department of Justice, Department of National Defense and Department of Interior and Local Government.

According to CHR, the remains were found by the SITG at the site on its first day of digging. CHR said “diggings immediately undertaken resulted in the findings of several fragments identified by the SOCO (Scene-of-the-Crime Operations) as human remains."

According to the news, the remains of at least 8 people have been found. I was dumbfounded. Last year, I got a similar information but I dismissed it as mere hearsay and, therefore, unreliable.

For 4 long years, I waited for answers. Those were 4 agonizing years!!! Do you have any idea at all what I went through each day of those 4 long years hoping for at least an iota of truth as to what happened to James or where I could find his body? Now they are talking of skeletal remains. Oh yes, I should have long given up on finding a body!

"please Lord.. let there be closure.. 4 long years of agony.. just let there be closure finally.. i don't care anymore who did it.. i have no more bitterness nor anger.. i have long forgiven.. i just want to move on.. let there be closure.. now that i have found light again in my life, let me cast darkness aside.. let there be closure.. let this be the last time i look back.. i need closure now..."

Blessings to all,

Chinese New Year's Eve and James' 4th Year of Disappearance

This year, the Chinese Lunar New Year falls on January 26th.

Today, the 25th, is James' 4th year of disappearance. It is also Chinese New Year's Eve. My kids and I will be joining his brothers and their families (the in-laws) to welcome the Year of the Ox the traditional way. That would be dinner and some rituals to:

1. honor and remember the departed family members and ancestors
2. usher in good luck and prosperity into the family

Today, my son also asked me who is responsible for his dad's disappearance. I know the answer but I refrained from giving him a definite one. He asked if his dad is really dead, I said Yes. :( Is there any other way of telling a 14-year-old boy? He has asked me this perhaps a hundred times already.

When he gave me a disappointed look, I told him to accept the truth- his dad is not coming back. I assured him that I feel much better now after learning to forgive the people who have caused us pain... that he would feel the same way if he starts forgiving as well. He nodded. He shrugged his shoulders. And went on to play an internet game on his laptop.

May all of you be blessed with great fortune, good health,
love and laughter in the Year of the Earth Ox.
Happy New Year to everyone!

Blessings to all,

A Child's Grief

My 14-year-old son left me a YouTube link last night in my yahoo messenger. He insisted that I open it right away. As I watched the video, it dawned on me why Laurence wanted me to see it. It speaks of their own grief when he and his sisters lost their dad almost 4 years ago... the kind of sorrow that everyone took for granted because we all thought they were just kids and didn't know any better.

This video was made for the 9/11 victims. Indeed, it was a sudden and tragic loss for most families whose father, mother, husband, wife, son, daughter, brother, sister or friend had perished in that terror attack. Until now, it escapes me how some men can be so cruel as to include innocent people in their rage.

The tragedy happened on September 11, 2001, the same day that James celebrated his 36th birthday. And since 2005, my family has joined the world in remembering September 11 and celebrating the lives of very special people we have lost.