Collateral Damage

 

Sometimes the hardest battles to survive are the ones you never signed up to fight. 

𝓒𝓸𝓵𝓵𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓪𝓵 𝓭𝓪𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓮: caught in a war that was never mine, bearing scars I didn’t deserve.

A pocketful of sunshine and 

Of Loss and Regrets… and Getting Through...

“I do not know anymore…” 

This was not a line from Janet Napoles during the Senate Hearing for PDAF Scam but from a colleague/very close friend of mine who is grieving the sudden and unexpected loss of his wife. 42 years of marriage and suddenly he is alone. 

“I should have been kinder…” 

“I should have treated her better…” 

But then, looking back now I cannot imagine what “kinder” and “better” could he have done considering that he was such a kind, devoted, loving companion to his then-frail wife.

Of course, I know where he’s coming from. There will always be regrets. There will always be words that were left unsaid and intentions that were left undone. We can never have enough time to show enough love. 

How do you make the most of your time with your loved ones? How do you make each moment count? I wish I have the answers for him. But after 9 years of coping with my own loss, the same “regrets” still haunt me… 

“I should have…” 

“I could have…”

“Why didn’t I…???"

As I have painfully learned in my own journey, one never gets over grief. You just learn to get through it…

A pocketful of sunshine and 

Image credit: www.memorialize.com

Flowers to Show our Love

After the traditional visit at the cemetery on the 1st of November, my children and I proceeded to Sta. Ana Wharf. It was too late to get a small boat to take us out to sea. The waves were too strong.

As we walked to the shore, the sound of the waves filled the air of silence between us. Raging waters threatened to drench our feet but we were unmindful. We were there for a reason.

Each whispering a prayer for James, my children and I took turns throwing flowers and loose petals into the sea. We had a bag full of them, you see.

The wind roared loudly... The sky turned gloomy… The waves raged to shore… Perhaps heaven heard us.

Time may have eased the pain and helped us mend the broken pieces of our fragile lives but… We still cope with grief one day at a time until now… even after almost 9 long years.

A pocketful of sunshine

and 

Image source: China Central Television

Remembrance

a distant star glimmers

the coldness of the night

makes me shiver

i hear you whisper

i shudder at the thought

you live in my heart

you never left

that's why i still hear you

and feel your love as

cold air embraces me

every time i lay awake

anxious at uncertainties

you rush to ease my mind

if only you could 

wipe away my tears

memories of rainbows and

of echoing laughter

unfulfilled dreams and
promises lie in their wake

bittersweet remembrance of past

© Bing (PinkLady) 2011



 Thanks to Jingle for The Perfect Poet Week 41 Award

I vote for Lolamouse of Mouse Droppings for her poem "Dirty Blues"

Thanks also for these awards:

Posted for Thursday Poets Rally 41

Image credit: Link

I Finally Did It

 for one 

last time

i looked 

back today

and took 

one last step

into 

the past

so i could 

move 

forward...

finally

i closed the door...

hopefully

this is my closure...

let this be the

last time...

because...

now i am

free!

© Bing (PinkLady) 2011

Posted for Poetry Potluck: Photographs, Memories and Nostalgia 

Image credit: Link

A Bend In The Road

There once was a girl

She wanted to become a lawyer

And as she grew older

Each step she took got her closer

To her heart's sole desire.

As dreams do come true

So did hers,and she took her oath

She went on to fight in court

With fervent ardor

Wearing only the best of suits and stilettos.

Each time she walked into a courtroom

She stepped into a magical world of her own

For many years, the law's complexities

And intellectual challenges kept her

Spellbound and mesmerized to no end.

And then somewhere along the way

Something happened...

Suddenly the law that she faithfully

Served and loved

Seemed distant and impossible.

And so, she took on the road

That led her to another path

She took a turn that would lead her far, far away

From the world that she used to know

It all just seemed meaningless.

But not far into the new journey

She opened her eyes and saw

That she was in a strange world

Where nothing seemed right

No matter how hard she tried.

She felt so lost and alone

Her spark of life begun to flicker

Then it dawned on her

When she took that sudden turn

She left her heart behind.

 © Bing (PinkLady) 2010

Butterfly Thoughts in Paradise

"Out of your vulnerabilities
will come your strength."

~Sigmund Freud~

A black butterfly flutters around me as I write this post. I feel a presence... a haunting presence. But it does not hurt anymore. I can only look back with a smile. It was a life well lived, albeit shortly shared. It deserves a celebration, not an extended lamentation.

The sound of my children's laughter echoes in my ears. They are back from island hopping with their cousins. I hope they will never forget the man whose shortly lived existence showed them what unconditional love really meant... the man whose unabashed display of childish banters made them giggle to tears.

As we take this weekend break with family (James' brothers and their own families), there is no more "what if Dad was here with us?" We no longer feel guilty enjoying life's and nature's bountiful blessings without him.

But as my youngest daughter sees the butterfly, she matter-of-factly states what she thought is obvious: "Dad is here with us." Her face brightens up with the sweetest smile I have ever seen... then she leaves me again to join her siblings and cousins.

Now whenever they look at his photo, they see the smile that used to define his face. In their hearts, the word "Dad" has taken a new form ~~ an angel watching over them every step of the way.

My children have finally moved on.

Weekend in Paradise...

the Parola Wharf/Bar where guests are welcomed
upon arrival and the resort's infinity pool

The Mandaya Houses are laid out on their own beach front,
setting it on a different pace from the rest of the main island.

Mandaya House No. 20... my room, sweet room

pool and jacuzzi right in front of my room

a jacuzzi treat for the kids

kids took a dip at the nearby Malipano Island

Malipano Island's own stretch of white sand beach

a pocketful of sunshine to everyone!!!

Blessings to all,

In Pursuit of Happiness

"You are the person who has to decide.

Whether you'll do it or toss it aside;
you are the person who makes up your mind.
Whether you'll lead or will linger behind.
Whether you'll try for the goal that's afar.
Or just be contented to stay where you are."
~Edgar A. Guest~

Two years ago,
I made a choice...
I MOVED ON.
The climb was not easy
but at least I knew where I was headed.

That choice paid off...
Each little step led me to the light.

I found the warmth of the sun
embracing me again.
I was finally out of the abyss.

Now that I hear the wind whispering...
I show a little hesitation to heed
but the quest for truth
is too tempting to ignore.

But what is the truth anyway...
In my heart there is no doubt
that I can never go back.
I will not put my life on hold again
for another journey in the dark.

In time maybe... in time...
the truth will unfold on its own.
For now it does not matter anymore.
After all, I found closure in my heart
a long, long time ago
when I decided to bury the past and move on.

I have to remind myself over and over again that no "new development" can bring James back. I am not putting my life on hold again for another "breakthrough" that only serves to bring more questions and uncertainties. I had more than enough time to weigh my options these past few days when I got sick. It dawned on me that I made a choice two years ago. Nothing is going to change that now. I am definitely NOT going back. Enough is enough!

No dark cloud can ever hide my sun again.

a pocketful of sunshine to everyone!!!

Blessings to all,