Butterfly Thoughts in Paradise

"Out of your vulnerabilities
will come your strength."

~Sigmund Freud~

A black butterfly flutters around me as I write this post. I feel a presence... a haunting presence. But it does not hurt anymore. I can only look back with a smile. It was a life well lived, albeit shortly shared. It deserves a celebration, not an extended lamentation.

The sound of my children's laughter echoes in my ears. They are back from island hopping with their cousins. I hope they will never forget the man whose shortly lived existence showed them what unconditional love really meant... the man whose unabashed display of childish banters made them giggle to tears.

As we take this weekend break with family (James' brothers and their own families), there is no more "what if Dad was here with us?" We no longer feel guilty enjoying life's and nature's bountiful blessings without him.

But as my youngest daughter sees the butterfly, she matter-of-factly states what she thought is obvious: "Dad is here with us." Her face brightens up with the sweetest smile I have ever seen... then she leaves me again to join her siblings and cousins.

Now whenever they look at his photo, they see the smile that used to define his face. In their hearts, the word "Dad" has taken a new form ~~ an angel watching over them every step of the way.

My children have finally moved on.

Weekend in Paradise...

the Parola Wharf/Bar where guests are welcomed
upon arrival and the resort's infinity pool

The Mandaya Houses are laid out on their own beach front,
setting it on a different pace from the rest of the main island.

Mandaya House No. 20... my room, sweet room

pool and jacuzzi right in front of my room

a jacuzzi treat for the kids

kids took a dip at the nearby Malipano Island

Malipano Island's own stretch of white sand beach

a pocketful of sunshine to everyone!!!

Blessings to all,

Endings Always Bring New Beginnings

Starting over after losing James was probably the most daunting task I ever had to do in my life. James and I had planned a dream future and we knew exactly how to get there. But just like that, without any warning at all, he was suddenly gone... and so were our plans and our dreams.

How do you cope when you lose the most important person in your life? I wanted to wither and die behind the door that James closed on his way out of my life. Had there been a grave for him, I would have thrown myself in and joined him. Nothing else really mattered at that time. My life was over, or so I felt, and no amount of kind words from friends and family- not even from my own kids- could comfort me and erase my pain. I was totally lost in my grief.

The painful part was that there were people who could not relate to my pain and, instead of lending support, criticized me (that reached me, of course) either for healing "too fast" whenever I went out with friends or for getting "stuck in my grief" on those extended periods that I preferred to hibernate.

It is true that everyone grieves at his or her own pace. I took my time and that made a lot of people uneasy (maybe because there were those who were afraid that I would eventually become a burden to them). I stayed in that rut for 2 years and 3 months... until I decided to paint a new picture for my life and turn my grief into a new hope for the future. I suddenly realized that all the blessings I counted and thanked God for everyday for the last 2 years would be wasted if I did not put them to good use.

It was uncomfortable at first when the pros started to outweigh the cons of not being in a relationship anymore. I began to appreciate being able to decide on my own without need of conferring with anyone else to seek his approval. I found the true meaning of independence and that was so liberating for me.

Moving on does not mean that I have not loved him enough. It was a decision not to get stuck in the past. When James entered my life, there was no guarantee at all how long he would stay. So instead of wallowing in self pity, I focused on how fortunate I was to have experienced James' unconditional and unfailing love in all of 22 years of my life.

Now I am able to laugh again. I have rebuilt my life and my strength. The blessings have taken a new meaning simply because I have learned to fully appreciate, enjoy and share them with others. And best of all, I have learned to love myself again.