In My Deepest January

In my deepest January, the cold winds spoke,

Of years that passed, of hearts that broke.

Two decades long, a heavy tide,

A journey walked with pain as guide.

Once, anger burned where love had been,

A storm of questions deep within.

But time, so patient, carved a way,

Through endless nights to light of day.

I could have let the darkness win,

Let bitterness take root within.

Yet here I stand, unchained, unbowed,

A soul at peace, my heart unclouded.

No thirst for vengeance, no rage remains,

Only the grace that soothed my pains.

I found my strength, I learned to rise,

To see the world with softer eyes.

Blessed am I, for love endured,

For wounds have healed, for faith matured.

Injustice came, but did not stay --

It lost its power along the way.

In my deepest January, I stand so free,

Grateful for all that life gave me.

Not bound by loss, nor weighed by scars,

But thriving still, beneath the stars.

Poetry Prompt: 

Sherry's prompt "In Your Deepest January" at What's Going On?

A pocketful of sunshine and 

Flowers to Show our Love

After the traditional visit at the cemetery on the 1st of November, my children and I proceeded to Sta. Ana Wharf. It was too late to get a small boat to take us out to sea. The waves were too strong.

As we walked to the shore, the sound of the waves filled the air of silence between us. Raging waters threatened to drench our feet but we were unmindful. We were there for a reason.

Each whispering a prayer for James, my children and I took turns throwing flowers and loose petals into the sea. We had a bag full of them, you see.

The wind roared loudly... The sky turned gloomy… The waves raged to shore… Perhaps heaven heard us.

Time may have eased the pain and helped us mend the broken pieces of our fragile lives but… We still cope with grief one day at a time until now… even after almost 9 long years.

A pocketful of sunshine

and 

Image source: China Central Television

Where Do I Go From Here?

"And now it's my turn
To try and find my way
And if I should get lost
At least I'll own today..."
- It's My Turn, Diana Ross

New year... New Beginnings... But do you know where you are headed to?

I guess the only way to determine where you are going is to fully understand and appreciate where you have been. All of us went through different struggles in the past- with relationships, career choices or even your own self worth. This is now the time to stop worrying and start evaluating those unresolved issues. This year, resolve to make sure that these problems will no longer be part of your future.

In fact, you don't even have to wait for new year or some crossroads to re-evaluate your life and ask yourself these questions...

Where have I been?
Have I reached any of my dreams? Have I made a difference in someone's life? Have I made excuses rather than fulfilling promises?

Where am I going?
Will I live my life to the fullest or find reasons why I didn't? Will I believe in myself and my talents or pretend that I never had what it takes?

What does the future hold for me?
The future for everyone is unknown, but what paths will I choose to lead me into my future and make a part of my life?

By answering them honestly, you can figure out what you have done, what you plan on doing and what you can change.

You have to face the truth and start dealing not only with the consequences but also with the reality of what exists once you give up some of your old ways. If it doesn't work at first, just keep trying. KEEP BELIEVING that YOU CAN CREATE what you want from life and YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN. Stay motivated in achieving positive changes. Little by little, you will see how different days will bring different joys... and the person you were meant to be, YOU WILL BE.

In Pursuit of Happiness

"You are the person who has to decide.

Whether you'll do it or toss it aside;
you are the person who makes up your mind.
Whether you'll lead or will linger behind.
Whether you'll try for the goal that's afar.
Or just be contented to stay where you are."
~Edgar A. Guest~

Two years ago,
I made a choice...
I MOVED ON.
The climb was not easy
but at least I knew where I was headed.

That choice paid off...
Each little step led me to the light.

I found the warmth of the sun
embracing me again.
I was finally out of the abyss.

Now that I hear the wind whispering...
I show a little hesitation to heed
but the quest for truth
is too tempting to ignore.

But what is the truth anyway...
In my heart there is no doubt
that I can never go back.
I will not put my life on hold again
for another journey in the dark.

In time maybe... in time...
the truth will unfold on its own.
For now it does not matter anymore.
After all, I found closure in my heart
a long, long time ago
when I decided to bury the past and move on.

I have to remind myself over and over again that no "new development" can bring James back. I am not putting my life on hold again for another "breakthrough" that only serves to bring more questions and uncertainties. I had more than enough time to weigh my options these past few days when I got sick. It dawned on me that I made a choice two years ago. Nothing is going to change that now. I am definitely NOT going back. Enough is enough!

No dark cloud can ever hide my sun again.

a pocketful of sunshine to everyone!!!

Blessings to all,

Will This Bring Me Answers?

I have been following the local news lately. A certain portion of the city has been cordoned off to give way to an investigation, it first said. Video footage showed men in uniform in the area. That was local news.

Tonight it has been confirmed in a national breaking news clip on prime time tv. Skeletal remains have been found on a suspected dumping ground in Ma-a, Davao City.

"The area is believed to be the dumping ground of bodies of victims of summary killings of DDS, according to informants, said the DHR.

The human rights body said the remains were found by a police Special Investigation Task Group (SITG) formed after the CHR created a multi-sectoral task force to investigate the alleged summary killings perpetrated by DDS. The task force is composed of representatives from the Philippine National Police, Armed Forces of the Philippines, Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency, Bureau of Jail Management and Penology, Department of Social Welfare and Development, Department of Health, Department of Justice, Department of National Defense and Department of Interior and Local Government.

According to CHR, the remains were found by the SITG at the site on its first day of digging. CHR said “diggings immediately undertaken resulted in the findings of several fragments identified by the SOCO (Scene-of-the-Crime Operations) as human remains."

According to the news, the remains of at least 8 people have been found. I was dumbfounded. Last year, I got a similar information but I dismissed it as mere hearsay and, therefore, unreliable.

For 4 long years, I waited for answers. Those were 4 agonizing years!!! Do you have any idea at all what I went through each day of those 4 long years hoping for at least an iota of truth as to what happened to James or where I could find his body? Now they are talking of skeletal remains. Oh yes, I should have long given up on finding a body!

"please Lord.. let there be closure.. 4 long years of agony.. just let there be closure finally.. i don't care anymore who did it.. i have no more bitterness nor anger.. i have long forgiven.. i just want to move on.. let there be closure.. now that i have found light again in my life, let me cast darkness aside.. let there be closure.. let this be the last time i look back.. i need closure now..."

Blessings to all,