The Ever Elusive Truth

I hope it is not true that political motives are behind the inquiry. Because those left behind by the victims of summary killings and unexplained disappearances in the city just want to move on with their lives.

Injecting politics into the ongoing investigation definitely muddles up the issue. It is unfair to point fingers at people without clear evidence of their participation in the wrongdoing.

It is also unfair to ascribe sinister motives to people who are just doing their jobs. What matters most now is to find out the truth which, in the eyes of the families of the victims (the desaparecidos), is "what really happened to those who disappeared."

For someone like me who has waited for 4 long years, finding the skeletal remains or whatever remnant of my missing husband will forever close that dark chapter of my life and allow me to take a step forward.

The bones that have been found may not even be of James but they definitely belonged to someone whose own family had suffered like us. I am sure they would welcome the answers that have long eluded them.

This new development has opened up old, deep wounds. I wish I can turn a blind eye and remain detached. After all, I have long moved on... or so I thought. They have shattered my illusion.

Blessings to all,

I Stood My Ground

4 years ago, James disappeared without a trace. There were 3 of them actually. 2 weeks later, one of them, a very close friend of ours, was tagged as a "druglord" by no less than this city's highest official himself. Wow! Tough luck! That was our friend. And he was with my husband and another friend (a doctor) that fateful evening.

So this declaration justified the unexplained disappearance then???

One of them was a "druglord" so that makes it okay if they all disappeared from the face of the earth???

If you find a sympathetic police friend in your office room one morning begging you to keep mum so the rest of the family (comprising of 3 little kids) would be spared, do you think you would still find the guts to cry out loud in pain? If you hear of malicious talks from people in power accusing your own husband of having benefited from his affiliation with an alleged "druglord," do you think you stood a chance at defending your name in public? Again, even if it were true, did that justify James' disappearance?

If you received advice to leave the city until things have cooled down, would you heed it despite knowing that you didn't do anybody wrong and you are in fact the aggrieved person here?

I stood my ground. I didn't leave my beloved city. Not that I didn't have anywhere else to go. I talked to my kids, laid down the facts and we faced the odds together.

I am not ignorant. When a person is accused of a wrongdoing, you bring him to court. You don't summarily execute him. You let justice run its course. This is Davao. You can't buy justice here. If you have enough evidence to pin a person to a crime, lock him up if you want, but give him fully his rights to due process of law.

So where is justice in this case?

And what happens now to the family of the people left behind by the victims of summary execution? I have 3 kids, all in their teens. 4 years ago, the eldest was in 4th grade. How can I impart the value of trust to them when they lost their own father because of a friend whom we have considered part of this family and whose children they embraced as their own siblings?

I am telling you this... KILL SOMEONE and you kill his entire family. James' mother died 2 years after his disappearance. I would have killed myself a long time ago if not for my kids. The pain inflicted on us was too deep to find the words to describe it. Nobody was there to comfort my kids whenever they felt the need to run to their hiding places just to cry... Oh, they had that in school and at home.

Where was I? I was out there nursing my own wounds and trying to eke out a living at the same time (amidst my own grief) to raise and feed my orphaned kids.

So please, I am appealing to you... YOU WHO HAVE LONG WANTED TO TALK TO ME... Tell me PLEASE if James' remains were among those found in Ma-a. Allow me to give him a decent burial so my kids and I can fully move on and finally bury the past. Give us closure please. That's what I beg of you.

Will This Bring Me Answers?

I have been following the local news lately. A certain portion of the city has been cordoned off to give way to an investigation, it first said. Video footage showed men in uniform in the area. That was local news.

Tonight it has been confirmed in a national breaking news clip on prime time tv. Skeletal remains have been found on a suspected dumping ground in Ma-a, Davao City.

"The area is believed to be the dumping ground of bodies of victims of summary killings of DDS, according to informants, said the DHR.

The human rights body said the remains were found by a police Special Investigation Task Group (SITG) formed after the CHR created a multi-sectoral task force to investigate the alleged summary killings perpetrated by DDS. The task force is composed of representatives from the Philippine National Police, Armed Forces of the Philippines, Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency, Bureau of Jail Management and Penology, Department of Social Welfare and Development, Department of Health, Department of Justice, Department of National Defense and Department of Interior and Local Government.

According to CHR, the remains were found by the SITG at the site on its first day of digging. CHR said “diggings immediately undertaken resulted in the findings of several fragments identified by the SOCO (Scene-of-the-Crime Operations) as human remains."

According to the news, the remains of at least 8 people have been found. I was dumbfounded. Last year, I got a similar information but I dismissed it as mere hearsay and, therefore, unreliable.

For 4 long years, I waited for answers. Those were 4 agonizing years!!! Do you have any idea at all what I went through each day of those 4 long years hoping for at least an iota of truth as to what happened to James or where I could find his body? Now they are talking of skeletal remains. Oh yes, I should have long given up on finding a body!

"please Lord.. let there be closure.. 4 long years of agony.. just let there be closure finally.. i don't care anymore who did it.. i have no more bitterness nor anger.. i have long forgiven.. i just want to move on.. let there be closure.. now that i have found light again in my life, let me cast darkness aside.. let there be closure.. let this be the last time i look back.. i need closure now..."

Blessings to all,

A Movie That Chased The Blues Away

The herd is back-- Diego (the saber-toothed tiger), Sid (the sloth) and the adorable mammoth, Manny. And who could ever forget Scrat, the saber-toothed squirrel, who lived only for his beloved acorn?

This time though, Manny has become a family man as he and Ellie are expecting their first mammoth baby. Scrat's life and his chase for the ever elusive acorn have also been complicated by Scratte, with whom he was instantly smitten. Diego, feeling insecure about his fading predatory nature, has decided to leave the pack while Sid's search for love led him to three baby Tyrannosaurus.

I am so glad that I went to see Ice Age: Dawn of the
Dinosaurs with my kids tonight. All four of us rolled in laughter as every scene unfolded. Believe me, when the mammoth and the tiger started talking like chipmunks, it brought the house down.

I knew this was going to be a great night for us. It was mostly adult talk during dinner. I can't believe how these kids have grown. Four years ago, they were just babies. Tonight they were asking me what my future plans are. To think that I wrote here a few nights ago that the future scares me. My son said he wanted to know because, although he respects the fact that this is my life, any decision I make will also affect him and his sisters. Touche'! Was that supposed to make me feel guilty?

As I said in that post, it helped me define what was bothering me and gave me the opportunity to reassess myself or the new direction I am about to take. As a result, it gave me the confidence (and the right answers) I needed to satisfy my kids' inquisitive minds tonight.

a pocketful of sunshine to everyone!!!

Blessings to all,

I Am Scared

"People deal too much with the negative,

with what is wrong.
Why not try and see positive things,
to just touch those things
and make them bloom?"
-Thich Nhat Hanh-

It's not easy. Sometimes it also gets dark here. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I just can't get out of it.

I fear of...

The future... I can't seem to see myself 5 or 10 years from now. I don't know where I will be. And the feeling that plans don't happen according to my will is pervasive. It never left me. Why can't I just completely "let go and let God?"

The present... Everything about the present scares me. What if I fail my kids? What if I can no longer go on? What if I am still in denial of my life's present circumstances? What if reality is clouded by my own illusions?

I hate it when I am not in control. But all the things that are happening tell me that there is a greater power out there. Sometimes I just have to believe and trust that everything will end well... for the good of everyone. I should not let "what I cannot do" interfere with "what I can do."

Writing about this helps. In fact, I feel much better now that I have defined what bothers me. I know where these anxieties are coming from. The sun has not stopped shining though. I just have to embrace its warmth again.

a pocketful of sunshine to everyone!!!

Blessings to all,