If God brought you to it,
He will get you through it.

03 July 2010

Have I Forgiven This Man?

Have I really learned to forgive?
I thought I have
But today I came face to face
With one of the men
Who caused us our grief
Five years ago...

When he walked into the room
I knew right away that
This was the moment 
I've long waited for
Here he was on a table next to ours
At a party hosted by James' cousin...

The man who caused our grief
In the same room with me
My mind raced, my heart skipped a beat
I searched my soul for answers
A lump formed in my throat
Have I really forgiven this man?

have i really forgiven this man?

Cate of Show My Face hosts this wonderful meme.

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Anonymous July 3, 2010 at 7:53 PM  

Well we might disagree here big time but I think to move on doesn't mean that you have to forgive someone. I can hold a grudge for forever actually and I move on quite well. As I have said time and time again I have to be happy with my choices and live with them. I totally believe you can despise some one and live very happily. Doesn't mean you have to belly up to the bar with them just keep a distance away that you are comfortable with. You can't let people like that run or ruin your life. You just be stronger and move on. And you can tell them to kiss your ass (in your thoughts at least). I believe, as you know, in the power of our brain and decisions made we live with. You take charge and handle them but dont ever second guess yourself or beat yourself up over whatever decision you make. Just take charge and move along. Yes I know religion tells you to forgive but I don't buy that for one second. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Bing (PinkLady) July 4, 2010 at 1:00 AM  

thanks for the encouragement. i did not expect to see him there. after all this was a family affair... or so i thought. the cousin who hosted the party was someone i talked to a long time ago telling him about the involvement of this particular guy in the disappearance of his first cousin. i asked him if he knew this guy and cousin did not categorically say he did. now i know why...

i was taken aback when i saw this man there. i could not believe it. apologies were said but... it didn't help at all. i did let cousin know how i felt.

no closure, thom... this is what it does. i guess there will be more episodes like this. somewhere along the way, deliberately or not, i will be seeing them again... and again... and again. you are right, it's all up to me how to react. i did well today. i'm not sure about next time.

joanny July 4, 2010 at 3:02 AM  

Interesting poem.... a situation many of us face whether we are willing to admit it.

Setting boundaries is important, and I would have a talk with your cousin for not telling you and being honest that he was invited and blindsided you and placed you in an uncomfortable situation.

forgiveness is an interesting topic on to it self, you can separate it out in parts if that helps the action of the person you do not have to accept - that is unreasonable -- clearly being a wrong act against another, but having understanding of the situation and how you got involved in the first place -- you need to forgive your self and him and move on -- knowing now you can recognize that action in others and quickly move away from being involved in a painful episode.
Life's strange and difficult gifts for us to learn.

Olivia July 4, 2010 at 3:03 AM  

I think forgiving is key--it makes me think of the Corrie ten Boom story about her shaking hands with one of her captors (one of the ones responsible for her sister's death). It's a kind of magical, impossible thing, isn't it?

Caty July 4, 2010 at 4:09 AM  

forgiveness comes a little too easy for me at times. Forgetting does not! touching poem and happy 6WS. Hope you find your peace...forgiveness or not.

Anonymous July 4, 2010 at 9:19 AM  

You made my point my friend. I think deep down you do know how you will react next time. The thing is for you to be the one that comes out on top of the whole situation. Do not let your seeing him again ruin and mess up everything that it has taken you 5 years to start to correct and get your life back. Think of that. Think of your kids. Think of the progress you have made. It's all so worth it. Again Bing, I'm not the best one to talk to about this subject because, and I wasn't as pointed in my earlier comment but I will now. I can't hate and still be on top of the world. I don't let things or people that I put in that category get me down. My life is too short. So I can and have hated and turned the other cheek. There is so much more in life to live for and the one you lost, being your husband, will be with you forever and is so proud of you and what you have accomplished and you have lived and breathed after such a tragedy. That my friend, is all the closure I need.

On the other hand, if you do need to get more closure by forgiving, by all means do. No one can hold that against you. They can praise you for it is all. And if they do hold it against you they aren't not true friends to you and themselves. We all have to accept the decisions or family and friends make and be it right or wrong, support, love and cherish. We might not like it, but that's how the world goes round. So if you think that will give you the closure, forgive and move on. You don't ever have to be best friends, slight friends, or friends at all, but if it helps you get to your spot then do it.

Whatever you do just do what you have to do is all I can say :)


Bing (PinkLady) July 4, 2010 at 10:25 AM  

joany, funny how i thought i already went through all that before. you know, the forgive and forget and move on part. now i have to reassess again where i am on the "healing" aspect. thanks for the very kind words. i really appreciate them.

Bing (PinkLady) July 4, 2010 at 10:27 AM  

olivia, once upon a time, i dreamt of doing exactly that. i was given two opportunities, both times i couldn't bring myself to even give them a nod or a smile. maybe in another life. :D

Bing (PinkLady) July 4, 2010 at 10:28 AM  

caty, you hit the bull's eye. forgetting is indeed a different story. thanks for dropping by.

Bing (PinkLady) July 4, 2010 at 10:46 AM  

thom, things do happen for a reason. this incident was meant to teach me to recognize the things i can control (like my reaction)and accept those circumstances beyond my grasp (like the people i get to meet everyday).

2 years ago, i was face to face with the man who gave the orders. i wanted to say something to him but decided to keep my silence. my pent up anger gave me a terrible headache and fever for 2 days. yesterday, i wanted to do or say something stupid (like, stab his big bald head with a fork, stabbing him on his back being too easy). instead i went out to smoke and collect myself and my thoughts. that helped because my daughter got the chance to knock some sense into my head. LOL! talk about good old kiddie wisdom (you know, reminding me, the way you did here, that i have already done well these past 5 years)!

yes, this has got to stop. i mean, i will be meeting these people again in the future especially because of my work. i can't let them control my life or my emotions. this was how my daughter Jazzy summed it up yesterday: "perhaps we owe him the kind of relationship we have now... if things didn't happen that way 5 years ago, we wouldn't have met sunshine, we wouldn't have a mommy-bestfriend now." that did it, thom. i do bounce back easily now. :) i'll be ready for them next time.

Bing (PinkLady) July 4, 2010 at 10:52 AM  

oh and... thom... that talk about forgiving... pffft! (let me borrow that from you) it's all crap. i have not forgotten, that much is sure. LOL! i am no saint. i am no martyr. i still wait for justice in whatever form it comes. just be assured though that i am not in a dark place. i will never go back to that. my kids won't let me. :)

˙·٠•●❤Sh@KiR@ ❤●•٠·˙ July 4, 2010 at 1:42 PM  

I am with Thom in many ways.
I really have a lot of bitterness with my mom.When she is around, I would be so uncomfortable.
I just ignore her but if I do meet her, then I do but I am done with ME GETTING ALL WASTED EMOTIONALLY on people since my divorce.
I am so grateful for Mr. S and my life , right now, I am letting go of a lot of bitterness as it will only messed up my life right now , right?
Moreover, LIFE is really SHORT.
as for CLOSURE, I have ACCEPT the situation as it is..enough closure for me, for whatever I do , I have done and I do not wish or need to do more.What is it , whatever it is , no longer has a hold on me.

I hope you will find in within yourself to FORGIVE YOURSELF, SO THAT YOU CAN MOVE ON...he was part of your life but no longer.Please do not allow him to still has a hold on you.


Bing (PinkLady) July 4, 2010 at 7:08 PM  

hi shakira... that was really nice. yes, this has got to stop. i don't need backslides like this.

the best thing about falling down is that you get the chance to stand up again. i'm bouncing back. :) thanks for the encouragement.

Anonymous July 5, 2010 at 3:31 AM  

Hello Bing,

I visited your blog as part of the 18 sites I've visiting for Rally Week 24.

I was moved.

I can't imagine what you're going through pero kaya mo yan. :)

Happy Belated Birthday, thank you for inspiring everyone that reads your blog.

Bing (PinkLady) July 5, 2010 at 7:30 AM  

hi divisoria... thanks for the encouraging words and the birthday greeting. welcome to the poets rally. i'm happy to know you enjoyed my blog. thanks for dropping by.

Anonymous July 5, 2010 at 3:45 PM  

Bravo!!!! :)

Jingle July 5, 2010 at 5:12 PM  

hard to forgive,
but you remained cool,
it is difficult to fight...
please be easy,
think positive thoughts,
do positive work...

Blessings fly your way!
u rock!

Jingle July 5, 2010 at 5:12 PM  

hard to forgive,
but you remained cool,
it is difficult to fight...
please be easy,
think positive thoughts,
do positive work...

Blessings fly your way!
u rock!

Bing (PinkLady) July 6, 2010 at 10:46 PM  

thom, i guess you can say i'm back to my old fighting form. :)

Bing (PinkLady) July 6, 2010 at 10:50 PM  

jingle, there are really things one can never forget. after episodes such as this, i pick up myself, move on and... well, just move on. :)

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you decide to see beyond the imperfections.

"Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward to the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage and confidence." ~ Og Mandino

If I could wish for my life to be perfect, it would be tempting, but I would have to decline, for life would no longer teach me anything.
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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11-14
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