The Road to Recovery

"In the end, we stop asking why something has happened... but start asking how we will respond. What we intend to do now that it has happened."
- When Bad Things Happen To Good People by Harold Kushner -

For 11 years, I expected that I would be growing old with James. I was contented with the thought of a shared life together and a shared future. All of that suddenly changed one morning. Everything had been spoiled.

Whether I liked it or not, a core of my old identity was lost. Fortunately, I was left with something else: a chance to grow. My favorite line then every time someone asked how I was coping was: "Don't worry, I'm sure I will survive." Along the way, I learned that growing and thriving are more than just surviving.

In a sense, each loss is a pregnant pause in the process of personal growth. Just as time provides a resource, loss also presents a window of opportunity. Believe me, it was not easy for me to clear off that window and peer through the haze. What proved to be the ultimate challenge was to pass courageously through the familiar framework and into the unknown. But I knew I had to do it because it was the only way I could discover a path to recovery... a passage forward into life.

After overcoming denial, anger and active grieving, I jumped right into action and accepted all invitations and nominations for positions in various civic groups and foundations that I was a member of. I was president of this, vice president of that and a director of whatever. I led a committee for a convention which proved to be the most arduous and controversial task. The busier I got, the better. People talked, I didn't care.

Change was the challenge ahead. I restored my vitality with the thrill of doing things alone for the first time. A new intact identity gradually emerged- someone who was stronger, wiser and perhaps even nicer than the one I reluctantly left behind.

Moreover, I began to sleep better, think clearer, cry less and smile more. I gained greater control of my emotions and was not easily overwhelmed by them anymore. I became less obsessed with my loss and could talk about it more easily (as I am doing now). I felt freer to choose when and how to grieve and to bounce back. I became less preoccupied with myself and more patient with everyone, including myself.

The waves of pain no longer come as often as before and they don't knock me over easily anymore. I think less of the past and find myself reaching forward to the future less fearfully.

And as I drink in the cup of healing, let me take this opportunity to give a toast of thanks to those who helped me along the way.



Blessings to all,