If God brought you to it,
He will get you through it.

15 January 2009

Slipping Back to "What If's"

Music played a big part in my relationship with James. Whenever we had a fight, music always made it easier for us to patch things up. Once he started playing those old tunes, that meant he was already waiting for my turn to cool down. It didn't even matter anymore who said "I'm sorry" first or who was right or wrong.

I was surfing through YouTube tonight (blame it on my son who wanted to know if I am familiar with an 80's music that he likes) when I came across one of the old songs that we really loved back then. Each line of this song touched our hearts. It makes me wonder now if it was written for us...

By Kenny Rogers

I can't remember when you weren't there
When I didn't care for anyone but you
I swear we've been through everything there is
Can't imagine anything we've missed
Can't imagine anything the two of us can't do.

Through the years you've never let me down,
You turned my life around
The sweetest days I've found, I've found with you.
Through the years I've never been afraid,
I've loved the life we've made
And I'm so glad I stayed
Right here with you through the years.

I can't remember what I used to do
Who I trusted, who I listened to before
I swear you 've taught me everything I know
I can't imagine needing someone so
But through the years it seems to me
I need you more and more.

Through the years
Through all the good and bad
I know how much we had
I've always been so glad to be with you
Through the years
It's better everyday
You've kissed my tears away
As long as it's okay
I'll stay with you through the years.

Through the years when everything went wrong
Together we were strong
I know that I belong right here with you
Through the years I never had a doubt
We'd always work things out
I've learned what life's about
By loving you through the years.

Through the years
You've never let me down
You turned my life around
The sweetest days I've found, I've found with you
Through the years
It's better every day
You've kissed my tears away
As long as it's okay I'll stay with you
Through the years.

He has been gone for almost four years now... but the music never stopped playing. Perhaps it was not coincidence at all that I came across this song again.

10 more days... This is one of those months when I can't help feeling melancholic. I know I have been the epitome of a strong woman to a lot of people. But I have to admit though that sometimes, this tough exterior is just a facade. I wish I am much stronger...

Sorry folks, here goes another relapse...

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Dolly's Diary January 16, 2009 at 7:07 AM  

Hi Pinklady,
That song is a very touching tribute to you and James. It is ok that some days you can't be as strong as you would like. It is what it is. We all grieve in our own way.
Take Care,
Janet :)

The Frugal Angel-Guided Psychic January 16, 2009 at 8:35 AM  

Such a lovely post. Music stirs the soul... it makes perfect sense that your feeling how ever you are feeling... loss takes time.

SUSAN SONNEN January 16, 2009 at 10:31 AM  

That is a beautiful song. And how wonderful it is that you are able to share music that was meaningful to you and James with your children.

I can't imagine that pain that you still experience. Just do your best one moment, one day at a time. And if doing your best means closing the door and bawling, then do it with gusto.

I'm sorry. I usually don't try to give advice.


Rita T. January 16, 2009 at 11:25 AM  

Your post makes me want to cry....very touching.

Alison January 17, 2009 at 7:50 AM  

It's ok to relapse, and you don't have to apologise, because you will get back up again, stronger and better able to appreciate every single moment of greatness.
Healing thoughts and prayers are with you. xxx

KAT January 17, 2009 at 11:51 PM  


Never be sorry for the way you feel! Those feelings are yours, and yours alone! You are feeling them because you have to.

You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for! Yes, you are grieving, but you are also living...and raising a family. Credit goes where credit is due. You just don't see what all of us see....be who you are, feel what you are feeling, and live like James would want you to!

I'm sending you a {{{Big HUG}}} because I think you need it right now!! You are doing wonderfully, don't ever forget it!

Take care,

PinkLady January 18, 2009 at 10:57 AM  

Thank you everyone for your moral support. This blog has truly helped me deal with our loss. It has become some sort of a memorial for James. Through this blog, I met good friends who have unfailingly encouraged me to go on. And I've also met a few who are in the same painful journey. You have seen all my moods here. Thank you for allowing me to be myself.

Honestly, I am so tired already of going back to the pain.

Much love,


Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you decide to see beyond the imperfections.

"Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward to the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage and confidence." ~ Og Mandino

If I could wish for my life to be perfect, it would be tempting, but I would have to decline, for life would no longer teach me anything.
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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11-14
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