Starting over after losing James was probably the most daunting task I ever had to do in my life. James and I had planned a dream future and we knew exactly how to get there. But just like that, without any warning at all, he was suddenly gone... and so were our plans and our dreams.
How do you cope when you lose the most important person in your life? I wanted to wither and die behind the door that James closed on his way out of my life. Had there been a grave for him, I would have thrown myself in and joined him. Nothing else really mattered at that time. My life was over, or so I felt, and no amount of kind words from friends and family- not even from my own kids- could comfort me and erase my pain. I was totally lost in my grief.
The painful part was that there were people who could not relate to my pain and, instead of lending support, criticized me (that reached me, of course) either for healing "too fast" whenever I went out with friends or for getting "stuck in my grief" on those extended periods that I preferred to hibernate.
It is true that everyone grieves at his or her own pace. I took my time and that made a lot of people uneasy (maybe because there were those who were afraid that I would eventually become a burden to them). I stayed in that rut for 2 years and 3 months... until I decided to paint a new picture for my life and turn my grief into a new hope for the future. I suddenly realized that all the blessings I counted and thanked God for everyday for the last 2 years would be wasted if I did not put them to good use.
It was uncomfortable at first when the pros started to outweigh the cons of not being in a relationship anymore. I began to appreciate being able to decide on my own without need of conferring with anyone else to seek his approval. I found the true meaning of independence and that was so liberating for me.
Moving on does not mean that I have not loved him enough. It was a decision not to get stuck in the past. When James entered my life, there was no guarantee at all how long he would stay. So instead of wallowing in self pity, I focused on how fortunate I was to have experienced James' unconditional and unfailing love in all of 22 years of my life.Now I am able to laugh again. I have rebuilt my life and my strength. The blessings have taken a new meaning simply because I have learned to fully appreciate, enjoy and share them with others. And best of all, I have learned to love myself again.
I really want to say something, though I'm not quite sure what just yet. I'm going to re-read this a few times. Your insight is quite inspirational and I am so very grateful that you have put your experience into words.
ReplyDeleteLovely. Thank You.
ReplyDeleteKara
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI can relate to how people expect you to grieve. In my case I felt everyone just wanted me to get back to my old self right away. After my mothers passing, I was like you in so much pain I did not want to get up in the morning. Looking back I see that I was in a state of depression for the last 9 months because I did not feel true happiness and everything I did seem to take effort. I am happy for you that you have found your laugh again, and are finding yourself again. I have just reached that point myself. The healing has begun. Although I still miss her everyday and sometimes shed a tear. Thanks for sharing.
Take Care,
Janet:)
Thank you so much for leaving your comments.
ReplyDeleteAlison, I appreciate the email you sent me. Your sincerity is very, very touching.
Kara, I'm glad that you liked the post.
Janet, don't let other people dictate on you on how to grieve. No pressure. You can take your time and when you are ready, believe me you won't even look back. Don't force healing on yourself or fast track it because it is a process that you have to go through. By acknowledging the pain, you have taken the first step.
God bless,
Bing;)
Each word written in this post is so true!!
ReplyDeleteTripti, every word in this post is so true for you because that is also what you are going through right now. Just take one day and one baby step at a time and you'll eventually get to the end of the tunnel. This is no race. Healing will soon come to you.
ReplyDeleteThis I promise... Everything is beautiful in God's time.
Bing;)
"I focused on how fortunate I was to have experienced James' unconditional and unfailing love in all of 22 years of my life." -- I can't help but cry at this. So true. So touching.
ReplyDeletethank you so much, Gege. I meant every word in this post. I truly am grateful for having been part of James' life and for having him in my life as well no matter how short the time was.
ReplyDeleteBing;)
I relate to your love with James. I also lost my spouse, Sereta on August 25, 2005.
ReplyDeleteShe was my soul mate and my opposite. She planted many seeds in my soul over the course of our 11 year marriage. It's always an honor when I can pause throughout my day and acknowledge her and show her that I am keeping up with watering those seeds she planted within my soul. I find it by no coincidence that I have come in contact with threads or links that connect her spirit with mine even after 3 years. I am comfortable in my skin for the most part. The day after she passed, I had a choice to either stay in bed or get up and take care of business. I owed it too her that I got up and took care of business. I have had my share of grieve and I was once told, "grieve is the price for loving" how true! I still get hit with waves of grieve but the sun breaks through much sooner and like you, I am fortunate to have had this experience in my lifetime for I truly believe that not only does giving life changes a person so does death. Peace be with you!
Esther
Hi Esther, that was a very touching comment. The parallelism in our relationships with our deceased spouses is quite amazing.
ReplyDeleteStay on that path. Being able to smile again whenever you remember her is a sign of healing.
Like you, I have no regrets at all. He was the best thing that happened to me. I was lucky to have met and experienced the love of my soul mate in this lifetime.
God bless you, Esther!
Bing (",)