If God brought you to it,
He will get you through it.

22 January 2010

In The Deep Recesses Of My Heart... Five Years Later

Though I have been tossed and turned in life's storms
I will surely see a brighter dawn
I'm no longer held back by my fears
I'm finally... Moving On
~Moving On by Alan Murray~

Much as I have moved on, I can't help but look back at where I have been.

That was a life of abundance... yet I wasn't happy. Lots of people surrounded me... yet there was not one I could truly identify as a real friend. I had everything yet I was empty.

And then tragedy struck. The abundance turned to scarcity. The people who offered sympathies and their shoulders to cry on even when I thought I didn't need them suddenly made me realize what real friendship meant. I lost everything yet I found all the reasons to be grateful. It started with the little gestures of kindness shown to us.

Funny but the people you expected the most to be there for you because you thought they shared the same grief were the same people who waited for you to give up, stumble and make a fool of yourself.

Funny that they cared more about their social standing and what other people would say rather than on how badly we were hurting. Funny that after FIVE long years, these are the same people who say it's still too soon for me to move on. Funny that, on my journey to NOW, they never even had the temerity back then to call and ask how the kids and I were coping. Funny that they were ready to believe the worst of us back then and until now. Funny how they sneak into my (as well as my kids') private albums just to find evidence on how crazy and frivolous I have led (and continue to lead) my life. Funny that they can't hide their disappointment as my kids and I soar high on our own.

And the people you didn't expect to be there for you were the ones who were ready to offer their lives to prove the others wrong. These were the same people who offered me strength when I had none left and was so weak to fight back. These were the people who didn't back off from shouting to the whole world that I am their friend. These are the people who do not hesitate to say or leave messages of "I am so happy for you" after seeing me finally smile from the heart again.

On Monday (January 25, 2010), it will be five years since we lost James. Five long years. And I have come a long way. As the header of my blog says, I have found myself again and built a new life.

The journey continues. Not just mine but my kids' as well. It has been a bumpy road for all of us but it made us realize how wonderful life is. These kids have learned to accept that everything happens for a reason. Each person that comes to our lives has a lesson to teach us. We greet each day with eyes and minds wide open so as not to miss anything. We have embraced life itself.

So on Monday, we are going to remember James' passing with a mass and a simple dinner. We will offer prayers, perhaps reminisce and share some memories about the past. But we know that we're no longer going back to that dark period in our lives. We will keep the sun shining on us.

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Sandee January 23, 2010 at 1:38 AM  

Big hug honey. What a delightful post. Survival as I see it.

Have a terrific day and weekend. :)

Anonymous January 23, 2010 at 4:31 AM  

Sweetie...good for you. It's great to have the memories of James in all your lives, but you can't live in the past. Hell with all those people that say all that. You have got to be you. And when you are everything around you moves forward as well. It's what YOU want to make of life. I'm so proud of you. :) Have a great day and know my thoughts will be with you on Monday and I send Aloha and Sunshine from the shores of Hawai'i to you and your family :) xoxoxox

Bing (PinkLady) January 23, 2010 at 11:10 AM  

Sandeee i'm glad that you like it. it truly came from my heart. :)

Bing (PinkLady) January 23, 2010 at 11:13 AM  

Thom we have learned... and learned well. we can't please everyone. what matters most is that we get to live our lives the way we want it without stepping on anyone's toes.

"i just wanna live while i'm alive... it's my life!" (bon jovi)

thanks for your continued support on this blog. :)

stigma no more January 24, 2010 at 1:34 AM  

Hi Bing, I was so touched by reading this post. You are stronger than you realize. The people who judge are not worth the negative energy they put out. I truly believe they will get it back. You keep moving on girl!! because you know different and James will always live on in your heart and the kids.
Love ya,
Janet :)

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Mariuca February 2, 2010 at 3:10 AM  

What a lovely dedication for James. I wish you all the love and joy in the world sweetie, big hugs! :)

Mike Golch February 8, 2010 at 2:48 AM  

Bing,we all need to do what we have to survive mentally.for 15 years I worked in a thankless job,until the stress took its toll.In my mind I started to feel it was OK to build a truck bomb and blow up the jail where I worked as a correction officer.Instead i told the schrink that I was seeing and he understood,he had worked as a prison psychologist before going into private practice.Because of hime and a caring supervisor I was able to retire from that job on a disability retirement.

His Unfailing Love February 19, 2010 at 5:54 PM  

first time to be here, I'll be back. Added your blog here. See you

Wenny Yap February 26, 2010 at 12:09 AM  

I feel so happy for you Bing and your kids. I'm glad that you are moving forward. Your strength and determination inspires me and will always remain an exemplary beacon to me. Thank you Bing.

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you decide to see beyond the imperfections.

"Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward to the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage and confidence." ~ Og Mandino

If I could wish for my life to be perfect, it would be tempting, but I would have to decline, for life would no longer teach me anything.
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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11-14
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